Friday, January 1, 2010

It's the New Year! My Predictions for 2010.

Ten Predictions for the Coming Year
These things are gonna happen, people, so just gird your loins.

1. Per chaos theory, a violent tornado will arise as the result of an errant Argentinian butterfly flapping its wings. Picking up nails, screws, and long sheets of scrap metal as it travels, the tornado will whisk all my enemies into the ocean, where they will sink while being gnawed in a desultory fashion by a pod of sharks.

2. A cut lil' bunny rabbit that has been kept in a cage for all its natural life will turn feral, escape, and eat all the members of the household. It will then lead its dumb cousins in cages everywhere to mimic its actions in "copycat" fashion after they observe the story airing nightly on local Fox news stations. Earth will hereafter be known as The Bunny Planet.

3. Glenn Beck will be eaten by a bunny.

4. Sarah Palin will be eaten by a bunny, but only after she takes down a rabid army of bunnies Rambo-style. She survives for a time on their flesh, hiding out in a decrepit trailer in the Alaskan wilderness, before succumbing to a Great Raid by the bunny infantry.

5. The bunnies will finally be defeated by a pride of lions who decide that enough is enough of this bunny crap. They eat a bunch of people too, but then peace will be achieved by a group of vigilante vegans who convince the beasts that a macrobiotic diet will ensure longevity. The lions wait and bide their time, fretting that the humans are getting awfully lean and stringy.

6. In the last days of 2010, health care reform will finally be achieved. Uninsured citizens will be able to buy into an affordable plan starting in 2015, but anything related to hearts, lungs, skin, tummies, brains, and other sundry organs will not be included in the plan thanks to a last-minute clause inserted by the Republicans. Approximately 1,245,678 small children will be gnawed and devoured by bunnies in the intervening time, making their health care issues rather moot.

Cookie LaRue, the 35th mistress of Tiger Woods to come forward, will vastly underestimate the appetite of the American public for scandalous gossip when she uses the phrases "nine-iron" and "the pooper" in the same sentence. Fox News ratings go up again, and Accenture executives muse about bringing Tiger back as a spokesperson with a few fresh and amusing taglines.

8. Spencer Pratt, his bride, Britney's spawn, Bill O'Reilly, and Jon and Kate and all eight children all get eaten by bunnies in a most grisly spectacle known as "The Circus of the Rabbits." The lions finish off what the bunnies left behind.

9. Sacha Baron Cohen's new film, "Li-Li," shames a lot of people who are duped into thinking the actor is actually a maniacal 8-year-old Japanese girl who likes to wear party frocks made out of meat and wants to show you her detachable penis.

President Obama, in an effort to bring peace to the Middle East, hosts an all-day "Booze and fucking crazy-ass drugs summit" at the White House. Refreshments include fountains spurting liquid LSD, psychedelic mushroom canapes, and a roasted tofu-piggie stuffed with "chronic" marijuana and vomiting a constant stream of goofballs and pep pills via a perpetual motion machine invented by Al Gore. It all goes well until someone gets beheaded in the jello shot salon and a lot of fingers get pointed.

The Same 10 Questions I Always Ask Myself, Part the Seventh

1. What are you wearing?
Under my clothes and underthings I am wearing nothing. I swear to god, naked! I know this is unseemly but I am a naughty girl.

2. What's the nature of today's hypochondria?
Inability to breathe properly might mean that the pasta I ate for lunch went down the wrong tube and wound up in my lungs. Really! It could happen, maybe? If certain foods go down the wrong tube it could seriously hamper one's breathing. Clams casino? Carrot sticks?

3. What was today's workout?
While the boys watched the bizarre and twisted Rankin Bass special "Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July," I hauled out the 10-pound velcro wraparound weight I used to use for knee exercises at age 11 and did the very same exercises. They involve lying on the floor on your back while hoisting the dismal weight up into the air with a straight leg. Lift 20 times and then repeat with the other leg. Repeat as needed. I hated these exercises as a child and now I did them voluntarily so as to get "lean thighs." It was about all I could muster after gurgling down quantities of Very Expensive Wines at our neighbors' last night for New Year's. Does anyone else experience that finer wines cause a more grevious hangover?

4. How do you do what you do and stay so sweet?
Baby Sunshine is all that stands between me and a dire bout of Bad Blood Pressure.

5. What's that burning smell?
My New Year's Resolutions beginning to sizzle at the seams. Oh forget it, they are already completely damaged and will have to be returned until 2011.

6. If you were an animal, what kind would you be?
A turkey, but not the whole bird. Maybe just a drumstick, or a thigh.

7. What are you drinking, and why?
The best cocktail ever invented, the dirty martini. Oh, I shall sing its praises in another dedicated blog entry! I am drinking it because it was poured for me, and because it is cold, and because it is good.

8. In what ways hast thou offended?
Today I gazed at the pile of projects on and near the children's art table and thought: "By god, I could just bundle it up and throw it all away. All of it! Without even picking through it to sort out the pieces of better quality." I didn't do it, however, and for that I am out of sorts. I also let the little mites watch 10+ hours of TV today because I felt kinda funny and when I bent over I got dizzy and stuff.

9. What's the next big thing?
Real estate prices are going to surge through the roof and make us all rich, rich, rich! My own home will triple in value in the next five months, I promise you. Also, in March of 2010, a small pet turtle in the American midwest will become sentient and begin to plot our demise.

10. Music selection?
Thanks to our good friend S, I have the tune to "Jingle Bell Rock" repeating endlessly in my brain. Christmas is over but the fun lingers on. Sometimes "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" will intrude on the merry "Jingle Bell Rock" tune but I shoo it aside; there is room for but one Christmas song in my head.