Friday, September 30, 2011

Awesome-Sausage Blog Award!

 So sorry. There are not many sausages here, only sauce. But if I had the time there would have been a lot of damned sausages raining down!  I have enclosed one sausage at the end.

I am terribly belated in giving out the award given to me by the awesome and inspired Anita Howard of a Still and Quiet Madness. Thank you, Anita, for my awesomesauce! Without further adieu, I am going to pour a big vat of awesomesauce down the neck of....

...Mary Frame, aka Marewulf, of It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets an Agent. Proud member of the #goatposse on Twitter, and now bedecked with sauce.


1. Thank and link to the person who gave me this fabulous piece of work. I did that!

2. Pay it forward to no more than one person per month. Elaborate why said person is deserving of said award. The month is almost over so I'm getting this one in under the wire! Mary is swell and clever and writes a wonderfully helpful & smart blog, so we lurves her. Do you not see the people stalking her in the photo above? We like her! So do the stalkers!

3. Answer the following questions:

- What is your favorite song currently playing on your iPod, CD player, etc.?
Low's album "C'mon"

- If we peek into your Internet history, what would we find?
How long should a humor memoir be?
Light sensitivity
Brain tumor
Time between dinosaurs and now 
Personality disintegration
Station Liquors Mamaroneck
Allergy to fluorescent lights 
Cell phone cancer risk

-And lastly, what is your all-time favorite movie that you watch over and over again?
Wizard of Oz, Star Wars, shit like that

-And here's nice big photo of The Sauce so that Mary can grab it and post it on her bloggeroo:

Awesome-Sausage! Tastier and less vegetarian. Porky. Greasy. Bad for you.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Hey Slapass, What Are You Supposed to Be Doing Right Now? Taint This.

Hey fathead!

What are you doing here, anyway? Are you malingering, procrastinating, wasting your precious gifts, face deep in a laptop when you could be face deep in the lap of a fine young man or woman, ignoring your garden, ignoring your children, ignoring that strange man at the front door with the funny tic in his eye and the metallic smile, wishing you were somewhere else, wishing you could run off and join the circus, wishing that the world would stop and grant you a few more hours, biding your time until the muse comes up and bites you on the perineum, wasting your time until the oceans rise and wash over you and your uncompleted manuscripts?

Go on, get outta here! If I catch you on Twitter later this evening, there will be hell to pay, I assure you.

Are you still here? Do I have to take the switch to you?

Go away. Your naughtiness will be recorded in the annals for all to read and you will be mocked and people will throw potatoes at your head. And maybe bricks and nails.

I'm getting really angry now.

Go and make beautiful art, muttonheaded buffoon! The world is mooning over you, prematurely. The celebrity rags have already prepared their articles.

I am going to get on a plane now and whup the daylights out of your porkchop ass. Get ready, dinkums. When I arrive, I expect to see a first draft. Or hear your fine composition on the peee-a-no. Or taste your cake baked in the shape of the state of Texas. Or see the tree that you have carved into a fine replica of Abraham Lincoln. Or pet the little knitted Zombunny that you have stitched in your spare time.

Go now and do what you are meant to do.    

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A La Cart!

As a longtime observer of shopping carts in the wild, I was intrigued to discover an influx of foreign carts into our neighborhood. Suspecting that these carts were here not to mix and mingle and learn English, but were bent on bad business, I faithfully recorded their secretive plans and movements and had their comments translated (at considerable personal expense). The startling results reveal rich cultural differences between American and foreign carts. No plots were revealed.

Oh, vous délicieux phallique jaune objet. Je suis violant vous maintenant ! Oui, me violer vous pensez-vous ? Je suis un panier d'achat et suis très amoureux. Va-va-va-voom ! N'est-ce pas?

(Oh, you delicious phallic yellow object. I am raping you now! Yes, do you feel me raping you? I am a shopping cart, and am very amorous. Va-va-va-voom! N'est-ce pas?)
Ich bin Vizened und alt, und Sie werden nicht löschen Sie mich aus diesem Pol. Nein! Nehmen Sie die Hände weg meine Gestricken Kleider! Ich habe Stiefeln im Innern von Mein selbst, und Wille verwenden es, um Ze Sheeet von Ihnen!

(I am vizened and old, and you will not remove me from this pole. Nein! Take hands off my crocheted garments! I have jackboot in interior of mein self, and will use it to kick ze sheeet out of you!)

Gehen Sie weg!

(Go avay!)
Soy un tonto baile. Voy a Remolino y Molinete y mostrar mi tren de aterrizaje a los chicos, y voy a vestir un tutú rosado. Me deja en el Salón de baile!

(I am a fool for the dance. I am to whirl, and twirl, and show my undercarriage to the boys, and I will wear a pink tutu. Show me into the hall where the dancing takes place!)

Yo, man. Pass me een rook. Een rook. Ja. Ik had veel te veel Miller Lites. Fuck. Ik ga te kotsen.

(Yo, man. Pass me a smoke. A smoke. Yeah. I had way too many Miller Lites. Fuck. I'm going to puke.)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Prayer for the Fallen

Here is what happened, then. Some children in a nearby school on that day had run from the blast, herded by their teachers. When asked later, several of the children said that the birds were on fire. Rumors among the children gained courage, as if the children expected to be told that they were correct, that they had divine imaginations. When told, no, your birds are not birds, some of them might have secretly concocted further strange and magical things made of wings and paper and fire. Monsters of air, ghosts of light and pressed metal. Anything with teeth and a heart could not live. I will make it on paper, the children said, and my fat yellow sun in the corner of the sheet will stay faceless.
But these were not birds, nor conglomerations of paper, steel, glass, bent at rigid constructions that defy the edgeless human form. They were people. They were men and women, clothes flaring out like vain, unfamiliar parachutes.
What happens at the moment of leaping? Can you still believe that everything happens in its proper time and place, and that time has brought you here to this conclusion? Do you curse the light? Or do you fall thankful for the light you have been granted all these days?

And those on the stairwells, in darkness, falling. And those on the planes in the bright blue Tuesday sky. The papers rained down like shorn birds deep into Brooklyn-calendars, promises, names, remnants. I touched the railings of my stoop and my fingers were printed with the dust of the dead. I had walked for miles in shoes long since discarded. I had seen the white flags shaken from the burning girders. I should never regret my life.

I want to think that they did not ask for mercy, but found something saved from bright days long ago. A day picking pears, stung by an errant bee that fed on the sweet pulp. A whistle across the fields, and the whisking tail of a dog at the door. Stumbling home barefoot that night drunk and in love. A newborn placed on your chest, its mouth and hands seeking, your hair slicked with sweat. A bowled and ancient sky by a lake, and the sound of a guitar, and laughter. Much beyond anything, love. You flew, you flew, you were born.

Remember us and all fine things and all good people who do so honor the dead.