I am a snarky little so-and-so, and I repent

I really am not very nice lately, and for that I apologize to all and sundry. The thing is, I AM nice to nice people no matter who they are and certainly no matter what they look like, but those who cross me and make my life difficult get blessed with descriptions such as the following:

"A face that's a cross between a Jack O' Lantern and a Dairy Cow."

"All gums, with a face like a worn-out mule."

"Scrawny, sharp-nosed twank."

"Every day is a bad hair day, especially when half that hair is on her face."

"Has the imagination and the physique of a Bartlett pear."

As penance, I've decided to recite the following series of novenas for the next several consecutive days:

"I shall not say mean things about the lumpen offal of the world who do so offend me. When I behold their bewhiskered, rodent-like, swollen, and pumpkin-like faces I will think of the goodness of their hearts and how they are simply trying to better their own lives and line their pockets with filthy lucre gleaned from the honest sweat of others, in order to increase their glory and the glory of their children's children upon our beautiful green earth. May their slutty, skanky, reckless, and just downright irritating behavior be forgiven, and indeed may I be forgiven for thinking ill of their crappy, greedy, unhelpful, and thoughtless behavior, as it is in their very natures and they are just as God made them, even if He in his beneficence made them unattractive and swinish as befits their black souls and also frequently blessed them with pearlike shapes."

Extra points to anyone who guesses the identity of one of the lumpen creatures listed above!
Damn it. I owe another novena.