Friday, March 25, 2011

Rejection Hurts. Now There's Rejectozolaxil®.

Writers: Has the sting of rejection taken the spring out of your typing fingers? Maybe it's time to speak with your doctor about Rejectozolaxil®.

Rejectozolaxil® is a prescription medicine used to treat the unsettling symptoms of being rejected by agents, editors, and that kid who snubbed you at the eighth-grade dance—symptoms that include weeping, tearing at garments, hot flushes of shame, sticking one's head into a snowbank or a pot of hot stew, tics, agitation, sudden incontinence, and bitch-slapping.

The makers of Rejectozolaxil® know that no one can make you feel like crap, except yourself...and maybe also that weird neighbor who dresses like an Abu Ghraib prison guard, even when it's not Halloween, and keeps unleashing his dogs when you walk past. Rejectozolaxil® takes those unhappy feelings away and replaces them with sunshine and bunnies. Fat little bunnies wearing tutus, and holding royalty checks for your brilliant smash-hit book in their rabbity teeth. 

Have you just received word that an agent or an editor doesn't like your book—the very book that you spent ten years writing on tiny scraps of toilet tissue when you were in that prison camp? No worries! Rejectozolaxil® will cause you to laugh gaily in the face of rejection, and break into a tap-dance routine that will stun any passers-by. Rejectozolaxil® turns a "no" into a delusional "yes" faster than a date rapist!

Rejectozolaxil® is not for everyone. If you are a drunken old man with a shotgun collection, you should not take Rejectozolaxil®. Speak with your doctor about side effects, which may include megalomania, crowing like a sex-crazed rooster, leaping from buildings with those cardboard wings you made attached to your back with duct tape, writing your prose poems on the exposed flesh of strangers with permanent marker, passing out invisible and imaginary copies of your published book, and fecal urgency.

Severe but rare reactions include having the characters in your novel come to life and seek revenge on the person who was heartless enough to reject you. This can be particularly dangerous for writers of paranormal, dark fantasy, zombie/mutant stories, and cookbooks.

Warning: Rejectozolaxil® is intended for rejected writers only. It is not intended for use by spurned lovers, job applicants, and kids who aren't invited to play tag at the playground. If such individuals take Rejectozolaxil®, they will decide they are great writers, too, and they will ask you to read their horrible poetry at every opportunity.

Talk to your doctor today about Rejectozolaxil®, and become the greatest writer of all time.

Rejectozolaxil®: A sugar pill with the words "You're awesome!" stamped on it worked just as well in clinical trials so we thought that would make an interesting tagline.

Eat me, and you shall be the greatest writer of all time! Bigger even than G-d, who wrote that big bestselling doorstopper of a book! Your book will have shiny awards on it, and G-d's book does not.


Angela said...

O-M-G!! This is sooo hilarious!! How are you NOT repped yet?!?! Seriously, I was ROFLOLWHMS (rolling on the floor, laughing out loud, while holding my stomach). Hmm . . . gotta get me some of that rejectozolaxil . . . Do you know a guy who knows a guy? ;o)

Anita said...

Bah! Those miniscule side effects are SO worth it!!

And here I was, all this time, thinking m&ms were the only cure.


Disclaimer: I am not a paid endorser ... nor have I ever used these pills ... but that doesn't mean I won't blame them and sue the pharmaceuitcal co. if/when one of my crazed characters lives vicariously through me and toilet papers the houses of every agent / publisher who's ever poo-pooed my books.

Fitting end that ... toilet paper is the cure for poo-pooing, after all. ;-)

Mindy McGinnis said...

Hilarious! Now - will my insurance cover this?

Bethany C. said...

Anything with a bitch slapping side effect is EXACTLY what I'm looking for.


Melissa Landers said...

This is funny as a mofo!

Jenny Phresh said...

Thanks, guys! Methinks I need to patent this and get RICH.

Sam Southworth said...

Oh, get rich if you must, but don't ever change, Pony! The world craves your crazy l'il take on the madness that THEY call sane.
Now, then, on another matter. Ship me a crate of cases of boxes of 50 or more, OK? Standard Overnight is fine.
And you'll talk me down off the ledge, right??

The Rake said...

Um...I think you've read far too many of those prescription drug inserts that come with the medz.

That said, I think you nailed it. Wish I could see the commercial!

Anonymous said...

This post was hilarious! Thanks, I might need Rejectozolaxil someday...

P.S. Your verification word (by Google) is pallinn =0

StrugglingToMakeIt said...

This post was much needed and full of hilariousness. So glad I've found your blog.

Anonymous said...

It seems to me that there are similar properties of your new "product", that my already proven toffee remedy contain. You'll soon be hearing from my lawyer.

(You know him well.). ;-)

Kristen howe said...

This is a good picker-upper after feeling that burn.

Marewolf said...

panctMy favorite part is how it turns a "no" into a delusional "yes" faster than a date rapist. Classic! Best. Metaphor. Ever.

P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog, and good luck with the WiP based on query letter :)

Ephi Stempler said...

I took Rejectozolaxil after being rejected by a certain equine friend for not reading her blog. I figured I had better things to do with my time -- making art with toenail clippings, gay naked Bible study, talking about my parasite on Facebook, and liking it. But I've done learned my lesson! My gosh darned friend is a gosh darned prodigy! For Beyonce's sake, someone represent this verbal dervish! I will get my mother from Teaneck, NJ to do it if I have to. But justice will be served. And justice, thy name is a five-book deal, stat. Keep phertilizing the phree world, my phresh phriend. You are awesome.

Anonymous said...

I never do this, but I just tweeted a link to this post, Jenny. Thanks for an upper at the end of a difficult day!

Holly VanDyne said...

FANTASTIC! Just what I needed after my rejection today. :)

Anonymous said...

Party Ponnnnnyyyyyy! I love this. I was getting all excited about Rejectozolaxil, thinking it may be just the thing I need to catapult myself into the dating scene again. Alas, the disclaimer warned that it's not for spurned lovers. I guess I'll have to wait (maybe *another* 10 years) until I'm brave enough to try it drug-free. xo Liz :o)

Anonymous said...

I have three words for you.

Ha. HA. HA!

Okay that's one word thrice, but since I started taking Rejectozolaxil®, I don't care!

Jennifer Jackson said...

I saw your posting of this on Nathan Bransford's blog and had to check it out.

Awesome! I need to get my hands on those pills. Thank you for the laugh.