Rejectozolaxil® is a prescription medicine used to treat the unsettling symptoms of being rejected by agents, editors, and that kid who snubbed you at the eighth-grade dance—symptoms that include weeping, tearing at garments, hot flushes of shame, sticking one's head into a snowbank or a pot of hot stew, tics, agitation, sudden incontinence, and bitch-slapping.
The makers of Rejectozolaxil® know that no one can make you feel like crap, except yourself...and maybe also that weird neighbor who dresses like an Abu Ghraib prison guard, even when it's not Halloween, and keeps unleashing his dogs when you walk past. Rejectozolaxil® takes those unhappy feelings away and replaces them with sunshine and bunnies. Fat little bunnies wearing tutus, and holding royalty checks for your brilliant smash-hit book in their rabbity teeth.
Have you just received word that an agent or an editor doesn't like your book—the very book that you spent ten years writing on tiny scraps of toilet tissue when you were in that prison camp? No worries! Rejectozolaxil® will cause you to laugh gaily in the face of rejection, and break into a tap-dance routine that will stun any passers-by. Rejectozolaxil® turns a "no" into a delusional "yes" faster than a date rapist!
Rejectozolaxil® is not for everyone. If you are a drunken old man with a shotgun collection, you should not take Rejectozolaxil®. Speak with your doctor about side effects, which may include megalomania, crowing like a sex-crazed rooster, leaping from buildings with those cardboard wings you made attached to your back with duct tape, writing your prose poems on the exposed flesh of strangers with permanent marker, passing out invisible and imaginary copies of your published book, and fecal urgency.
Severe but rare reactions include having the characters in your novel come to life and seek revenge on the person who was heartless enough to reject you. This can be particularly dangerous for writers of paranormal, dark fantasy, zombie/mutant stories, and cookbooks.
Warning: Rejectozolaxil® is intended for rejected writers only. It is not intended for use by spurned lovers, job applicants, and kids who aren't invited to play tag at the playground. If such individuals take Rejectozolaxil®, they will decide they are great writers, too, and they will ask you to read their horrible poetry at every opportunity.
Talk to your doctor today about Rejectozolaxil®, and become the greatest writer of all time.
Rejectozolaxil®: A sugar pill with the words "You're awesome!" stamped on it worked just as well in clinical trials so we thought that would make an interesting tagline.™
|Eat me, and you shall be the greatest writer of all time! Bigger even than G-d, who wrote that big bestselling doorstopper of a book! Your book will have shiny awards on it, and G-d's book does not.|