Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Scary High School Textbooks From the 1960s

A smattering of the academic fare that was discovered in my attic. (The former owner of the home being a parochial school administrator.) There are many of these books. Here are some of the more alarming of the batch.

 Everything you've always wanted to know about sin, sluts, interracial marriage, and nudity, answered by your favorite cut-up, "Monsignor J.D." 
"Yes, unless you're a totally rude fuck!"—Monsignor J.D.

"I am a bit out of touch with techniques. Are you referring to the cheeks of the buttocks? If so, a light grazing is acceptable in the eyes of the Lord, but more vigorous 'pressing' or 'grinding' would be considered immoral. As would any ape-like maneuvers."—Monsignor J.D.
I took the Dysfunctional Method. 
And it led to this!

Repeat: Boys and girls should not be allowed together in the same room.
Oh! What if I wish to know very little? Does this book cover that?

I don't think that car has seat-heaters or Sirius XM OR airbags.

If you are white and prosperous. If not, youse fucked.

Perfectly healthy, normal teenagers.

A mentally ill teen who daydreams of lustful car trips with older women!

The fear of the "unknown" is worse than being chased by a maddened cow? I think not.

For shame, Puerto Rican children who are having a delightful time in a water sprinkler. This is by no means the best outlet for your youthful energies!
This photograph was found inserted inside Problems and Opportunities in a Democracy. It puzzles me in several ways. For one, is the mannequin intended to be homosexual? Where are #s 1 and 2? Why does Bobby Sue look happy with her date but Mary Lou look like she just got stuck in the arse with a pickle?

"If you run too much water into a bathtub, some water will overflow from the tub."
(Is that statement about the left testicle really true? Need to know!)

Living things are slumped marionettes dangling from a crucifix.
OK, I'll give this a shot; I'm only slightly "high."
That big chunk of text helps SOOOO much. Thank you, Robinson's New Higher Arithmetic!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Strange Things I Have Photographed in the Suburbs

In my work as an amateur naturalist, I continue to catalogue the oddities of that savage land known as Suburbia. Here is my latest collection of photographs snapped in the wilds of Southern Westchester.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something thick and black and previously used by a burglar. 

This Mamaroneck shop features grand-daddies, infants, occasional flames, and one very very small roast turkey. 

So many people ignored this sign. So, so many naked people. What a clothing store!

Is it just me, or is this statue "shaking the dew off the lily"?

$2.00 additional for the large earwig.

"Don't look now, Mary, but there is a giant, grotesque ear with gnarly legs and toenails and shit walking behind you."

Spotted outside that corner bar that's been closed for 3 years now. The creature is fervently hoping it will become a wine/tapas lounge, rather than another dive.  

Speaking of dive bars, this animal spent way too long at the "Town House II"—an establishment that is strictly "teeth optional."

The poster warning of the dangers of marijuana was spotted in a high school health classroom in Mamaroneck. It has little blue testes. Look closely at the hand dangling by his side. Now, wait for it...wait for it...

Okay, NOW I need a stiff drink!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

The 2012 Apocalypse: A Fragrant Love Story (with exclusive film stills!)

As the Giant Ball of Destructive Space Cheese hurtles toward their home, Sadie "Screwgun" Pickens and Miz Ida Lumplett make their peace with their Lord. "I always knew the pocka-lips would come in 2012!" cries Ida.
While next door, their neighbors—the rich and fastidious Butterworth sisters, Jilly and Betty "Better With Butter" Butterworth—are also facing their fate. The Cheese will crush them as surely as it will their poor yokel neighbors. "Where to hide the valuables?" muses Jilly. "Aw, hell, why am I still a virgin?" bemoans Betty.

Sadie Pickens and Ida Lumplett ain't goin' down without a fight. They plunder their "ammo cupboard" for some weaponry to use against the space mutants that are, no doubt, riding atop the Giant Ball of Destructive Space Cheese!
The Cheese makes contact! The house is rocked as if by a giant explosion. Betty Butterworth loses her pants in the chaos, while Jilly Butterworth loses something more precious...her mind.

"Look, Jilly! Something's creeping up the veranda! Stop that infernal giggling, you idiot! Have you lost your wits?"
Then...the stench assails them. It is unearthly. Betty's mind also snaps, like a crisp cracker. Is all hope lost?

Good God—there is something peering in the window. And it has EYES. Perhaps three eyes in total!
"Perhaps our fragrant visitors are male, Jilly. Perhaps now is my chance to become a woman. For after all, I am not presently wearing pants."
Meanwhile, next door, Sadie "Screwgun" Pickens defies an alien intruder. "You step one foot on my property and I'm a-gonna blast your cheesy hide from here to next Sunday. Stop that simperin,' Miz Lumplett. This ain't no time to git lucky."

With the plunge of a sharp letter-opener, Jilly Butterworth ends the life of her beloved sister. "How...could...you!" groans Betty, as she expires. "I want that cheesy devil out there all to myself, missy," says the perfidious Jilly.

"But Sadie, he's handsome, ain't he? How am I looking?"says Miz Ida.
"Why, he's walking over to the Butterworth sisters' estate! Them damn bitches. I hope they enjoy the stink a' cheese!" fumes Sadie.

Jilly Butterworth is claimed by her new lover. "Pretty blonde lady and Gouda will make excessive love and furry babies. Omgmghphppharggh."