Sunday, August 17, 2008

Brenda the Stubby-Legged Bride

So a while back on The Loop, I got a lot of flak for dissing New Ro shopping with cruel barbs and rude photographs. Just to show that I'm an equal opportunity kind of girl, I hereby present Brenda the Stubby-Legged Bride, discovered just this morning in the window of Larchmont Floral Designs on Chatsworth Avenue.

Her icy stare belies her quaking—and very stubby—legs beneath that flowing white skirt. Actually, maybe she has no legs whatsoever and is planning to trundle herself up the aisle on a rolling cart! What lies beneath the skirt? 'Tis a mystery that only her beloved husband will discover as he lifts the skirt ever so gently skyward...and Brenda giggles shyly.

Her left hip appears to be dislocated, but because this is Larchmont and not New Ro it most certainly is the result of a fall rather than an abusive incident at the hands of her fiancé.

[Disclaimer: I bear no ill-will toward stubby-legged, legless, leg-impaired, leg-challenged, and multi-legged peoples of any race or nationality.]

Right next door at K-9, the groomsmen are leashed and ready to attack anyone who dares to interrupt the ceremony. The guy on the right wears dark glasses because the bachelor party went really, really late. His hangover is so fierce that he's a-gonna bite cha!

Also sighted in the window of the Citibank on Palmer Avenue: This misplaced pink lovey, desperately beating itself against the glass in an effort to return to its small and grieving owner. Note the panic in its eyes! Trapped like a rat, it can only hope that someone will release it to run wild and free yet again. Many patrons of the bank turned aside for fear of getting mauled by the creature, and rushed to deposit their money elsewhere.

More to come, oh brave citizens of Larchmont.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

New Ro' needs a window merchandising school. Or at least free 'Window Dressing' classes offered by the Chamber of Commerce. There. I said it. It needed to be said. These shopowners should be tarred and feathered for these visual insults. And here I thought the design of the track/warm up suits of the U.S. Olympic team was enough of a visual affront to send me over the come these window displays to put me sheer over the edge.
Can we talk about the US Olympic warm up suits, anyone? Elastic band cuffs at wrist and waist? Non functional to say the least? A bad eighties flashback comes to mind. Puffy, unflattering, cheap nylon (does it breathe? Does it wick? does it drape? does it flatter? maybe, probably not, no, definitely not). I just can't get over this uninspired, cheesy, dated design. I rant every time someone from the US gets up on the podium with those inverted blue 'v's at the shoulder to the waist, blue, white, then blue pants just to break the line and make everyone look short, fat and out of proportion. God help me I need to get on the next Oly committee design team to offer a fashion intervention!
Oh, land of Big Macs, Sears, and New Ro' Window Displays, save your aesthetic soul...