Saturday, February 9, 2013

Terrifying and Dismal Valentine's Day Gifts

Valentine's Day approaches! And once again, my local drugstore has offered up a myriad of beautiful and touching ways to tell my loved ones that I mean them grievous bodily harm but can only communicate that sentiment through something plush. Here, a selection of products and the meaning behind them.

I wish to murder you.

I love you theeeeeiiiissss much...ughghgh. Damn stubby little arms!  
My winker has now deflated to the size of a vienna sausage.  

My nethers are in a state of surprised and oily arousal at the thought of your arrival in my pants.

Owl Luv U 4 Eva, as you can tell by the heartfelt expression in the doleful and buggy eyes of this Lesser Saw-Whit Owl, caught and stuffed for your pleasure.

Is it okay if I snurfle at your crotch in public gatherings?

My boyfriend sniffs at my pubic area in public places and I am seriously skeeved out.  If I come live with you will you ignore my incessant weeping?

Hey, HEY, where you going? I just had me 18 liters of Night Train Express and slathered myself in choco pudding and I am ready for some ACK-she-oh-nee! What? When did I last bathe? I dunno. 

Nothing says "I love you" like 2 1/2 pounds of chocolate stapled to your thighs. This isn't a sampler, it's the entire product line.

Seriously, we have to break here and ask: If you got this grotesque purple elephant for Valentine's Day wouldn't you just punch the stuffing out of whomever gave it to you? And why is there an elephant theme in 2013? Is this something sexual or something? Gross.

I am planning to rape you in a parking lot in a few days.

This tiger is more animated than my penis.
So what's the worst Valentine's Day gift you ever received?