Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Scary High School Textbooks From the 1960s

A smattering of the academic fare that was discovered in my attic. (The former owner of the home being a parochial school administrator.) There are many of these books. Here are some of the more alarming of the batch.

 Everything you've always wanted to know about sin, sluts, interracial marriage, and nudity, answered by your favorite cut-up, "Monsignor J.D." 
"Yes, unless you're a totally rude fuck!"—Monsignor J.D.

"I am a bit out of touch with techniques. Are you referring to the cheeks of the buttocks? If so, a light grazing is acceptable in the eyes of the Lord, but more vigorous 'pressing' or 'grinding' would be considered immoral. As would any ape-like maneuvers."—Monsignor J.D.
I took the Dysfunctional Method. 
And it led to this!

Repeat: Boys and girls should not be allowed together in the same room.
Oh! What if I wish to know very little? Does this book cover that?

I don't think that car has seat-heaters or Sirius XM OR airbags.

If you are white and prosperous. If not, youse fucked.

Perfectly healthy, normal teenagers.

A mentally ill teen who daydreams of lustful car trips with older women!

The fear of the "unknown" is worse than being chased by a maddened cow? I think not.

For shame, Puerto Rican children who are having a delightful time in a water sprinkler. This is by no means the best outlet for your youthful energies!
This photograph was found inserted inside Problems and Opportunities in a Democracy. It puzzles me in several ways. For one, is the mannequin intended to be homosexual? Where are #s 1 and 2? Why does Bobby Sue look happy with her date but Mary Lou look like she just got stuck in the arse with a pickle?

"If you run too much water into a bathtub, some water will overflow from the tub."
(Is that statement about the left testicle really true? Need to know!)

Living things are slumped marionettes dangling from a crucifix.
OK, I'll give this a shot; I'm only slightly "high."
That big chunk of text helps SOOOO much. Thank you, Robinson's New Higher Arithmetic!


kelly lake said...

Pony, I am so glad that your eyes glommed onto the same "Bathtub" overflowing sentence as mine in the first moments... Thank you for giving me good reason to dry my eyes!

Angela V. Cook said...

Oh my . . . I REALLY want to know what this "ape-technique" is. Just might have to google that one.

This was unbelievably hilarious. I had to read this with one had over my mouth--seriously (my hubby and kids are sound asleep!).

Oh, and not to offend anyone, but THANK GOD I'm not Catholic, lmao.

sam said...

Jaysus-Haitch-KeeRist!! How do you find these things? There they are, hidden from the rest of us yet in plain sight, but only YOU, most powerful of Party Ponies, has the moxie and grit to uncover them! It's like that picture of you clutching in both mitts a fat frog at the start of Allagash Stream--you want it, and ye git it!! I laughed so hard at thsese books and this world, and love to be reminded of it. Your captions made my bathtub o'erflow....

Jenny Phresh said...

OH NO..."you made my bathtub overflow" has to be the most unfortunate euphemism. I think it's got to become 2012 slang.

I can't believe such blog fodder was sitting in my attic. I am happy to share the love with the world!

Kathryn Elliott said...

Just lost bladder control! Holy Crap - have not laughed this hard in years. Thx!!!

Anonymous said...

your use of "maddened" is impeccable! but then again, i'd expect nothing less from you.

cherie said...

I can't believe you had these in your attic! But then again, you having these gems in your possession is not such a big surprise. :D

Now I know we have Monsignor J.D. Somebody to blame for the bigotry in this world. Hee!

(and, I shall avert my eyes from overflowing bathtubs from now on...)

Tracey M. Hansen said...

I want to read them! lol This was awesome!!!! "Youse fucked"

Jenny Phresh said...

There are so many treasures within Monsignor's book that it's astounding...he deserves a repeat visit to this blog with his own special entry! Wait for it, friends!

Bethany C. said...

The last time I participated in ape-like dancing, I got pregnant. I'm just sayin'...

Huntress said...

I ADORE old textbooks.

Marewolf said...

OMG those are awesome! I want to find books like that somewhere, I'm keeling over with laughter!

Also, trying to envision "intense cheek rubbing". Hilarious!

Catherine Stine said...

OMG, that top book cover art looks like a portrayal of a complex torture device. And I never realized how much shorthand resembles Arabic. I might be tempted to do a sort of seance/smudging cleansing to get some of those vibes saying bye-bye.

Jen said...

That is hilarious! Where do you find these awesome things?

I can't help laughing over the seminal emissions. It's perfectly normal and nothing to worry about...I was waiting for the "BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY DON'T TOUCH IT!"

And Monsignor J.D? He can bite my oversized left testicle.

Ok, I'm female, but I like to think I have figurative testicles, just for situations like these.

@ Angela, I'm not an expert, but I think the "ape technique" is when you f*ck hanging upside down from trees. It was all the rage in the sixties, in Protestant circles at least.

Lydia Kang said...

OMG, I almost choked on my tea reading some of these. Really? Actually, I shouldn't be surprised at all. It's just shocking to see it all in print.

LisaAnn said...

OMG, I am laughing so hard right now! Well done, milady!!!

Jennifer said...

Great now I am curious about the left testicle as well.....This post had me laughing so hard my office mate came over to see what the hell was so funny.

Anita Grace Howard said...


Next post: 101 uses for a pickle. Hosted by an ape, Mary Lou, and Monsignor J.D.