I Found a Bargain in SoNo New Ro!

Shopping is booming in downtown New Ro. Merchants and environmentally-minded citizens are now calling the trendy area South of North Avenue "SoNo New Ro," and the hip and fab offerings are plentiful. (What does this make the area North of North Avenue--NoNo New Ro...??) On a recent excursion to the area, I discovered just what a few bucks will buy in the SoNo stores. Get there now before the prices skyrocket!

On Main Street's New Elegant Beauty Supply, you can get a hair product made with collagen and placenta. Yes, that's right, placenta! And for a few dollars more, some fresh baby to go with that—works fabulous on brittle split ends.

At the same store, we found Doo Gro. I don't know about you, but I don't know if I want my "doo" to grow. This product made me nervous, but what could go wrong? Doo Grow BIG! Plumber!

Just down the street at Craftform Intimate Apparel/Anatomical Supports (all under one awning!) this lovely lounge outfit was featured. This lady is coming off a seven-day crack bender complete with gang-bang, and she still looks fresh and ready for her first morning shot of gin. Her wrist is broken because she walked into a door, and it's really none of your business, sister.

And across the street at Smart Dollar, bargains abound. I found this great Medical Kit for the kiddies. It includes two weird egg-shaped bedpans, some cutting tools, a tiny scale for weighing organs, and crazy-eyes Yuyitsu, the maniacal doctor. She's so sad about it, but she need to sedate you with tiny green pill bottles.

Also at Smart Dollar: a fetching latex swim cap, the label on which reminds me of a film noir promo. "As Chubby Thighs Magee drowns in Black Lake, her twin sister looks on in horror." Also protects against STDs.

For those inclined to fashion, try Madrag, also on Main Street. There you can find this eye-popping, fruit-flavored outfit. And tons more slutty choices inside. Just like the silver mannequin's stance, it shouts "You wanna piece of this?"

At Alicia's Bakery, also on Main Street, you can get a yummy-looking cake with your child's photo embedded in it. Except that it somehow looks like the child got baked into the cake. And isn't happy about it. And the cake is for a funeral party, not a birthday. Oh, well!

And what of poor NoNo New Ro? What do they have to offer? Well, for one, this creepy discarded item, lying in the shrubbery. It consisted of a pair of undies duct-taped to a pair of socks duct-taped to a plastic bag duct-taped to...who knows. Basically, it looked like something someone had doused in oil and used as a flaming brand. That's HOT! Love the neighborhood!