Monday, November 17, 2008

The Stash-Hole, and Other Things They Left Behind

Now that we are the proud owners of a new house, we have spent many happy hours exploring the nooks and crannies of the old estate to discover ITEMS OF EXTREME VALUE that were unaccountably left behind by the sellers. I have been cataloguing these treasures and I would like to say one important thing. Clearly there is either cash or drugs (or both, or a quantity of valuable JOOLS) hidden in my home and I INTEND TO FIND THEM.

First of all, we know that the previous owners of our house kept things of extreme value around because they had what we now refer to as THE STASH-HOLE.

Over the weekend, while tearing away a particularly hideous railing in the living room faux-foyer, we revealed this secret cubby hidden beneath the top of a built-in bookshelf. Was it filled with Depression-era cash? Jewels? Pot? No! But if you were a drug mule or a gem thief, wouldn't you want a little stash-hole like this for your stash? No doubt the booty had recently been removed. But we are now wise to the game. Armed with my crowbar, I went prowling.

And I found this. Creepy the Squirrel!

Was he really sitting on the circa 1953 Speed Queen washing machine? No silly, I placed him there for the photo op. But look at the blackness of his black, beady eyes. The vacant hopelessness. Drugs, yes? Notice a theme? I searched inside Creepy the Squirrel's orifi but found nothing of interest.

Also discovered in an abandoned fridge in the basement: This fresh bottle of Rheingold Ale. Just as good as on the day it was fermented. Juicy good fun!

In the "Blair Witch" category, this birdcage dangling in the basement shadows, next to what looks like a miniature noose. It used to be in an upstairs bathroom. Now it's down there. Weird! I'm really sorry now that I drank so much of that Rheingold, because things are getting freaky. The bird's various orifi were also free of smack, crack, goofballs and downers. So where was the stash?

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Anyway, I thought for sure I was onto something when I found this "antiseptic." Isn't this for, like, people who shoot up and stuff? To clean their grungy old needles? This was out in the garage. We immediately used it to cleanse a number of minor flesh wounds we had incurred in the search for DRUGS AND CASH.

I went back for another slug of the verdammnt Rheingold (Gott in Himmel!) and noted this potential "stash" area. Meat-Keeper? My arse!

I don't want to talk about what was in the Meat-Keeper. Can you say "38-year-old pork product?" More Rheingold, please!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh god! the number of things you missed and forgot. there must be a part II to this. um...need i say more than "fresh meat"!?!??!? i thought not.

what about the florida shrine?

mmmm....the olde texte bookes? oh lord, it goes on and on and on and on and...