Which Personality Type Are You? A Quiz

Answer each question as truthfully as possible. Then tally your answers to find out your personality type!

1. Which vegetable would you rather be pelted with while running, naked and afraid, through the streets of Larchmont?
a. Beet
b. Rutabaga
c. Turnip
d. Cauliflower

2. Others perceive you as what kind of animal?
a. A prowling, sensual wolverine
b. An herbivorous donkey
c. A jellyfish
d. A fire ant

3. You are at a party at a fancy club in Mamaroneck and someone offers you shellfish. You're allergic! Do you:
a. Punch the nearest person in the eye
b. Throw the shellfish out the window
c. Eat the shellfish, and die dramatically
d. Poop in the punchbowl

4. Your firstborn son's name would be:
a. Testicles
b. La-La-La Phoofa
c. Jiggles
d. Rump

5. Your firstborn daughter's name would be:
a. Vagine
b. Juicy Greenteeth
c. Arfy McWoof-Woof
d. Dave

6. You come home to catch your spouse snacking on a doo-doo he/she just fished from the toilet! Do you:
a. Yell, "I was saving that for a midnight snack!" and then laugh uproariously together
b. Stare quizzically, yet penetratingly, at the offending object whilst raising your right eyebrow ever so slightly
c. Turn around to leave the house, and quickly drive off the nearest bridge
d. Start singing and dancing to an impromptu jingle that begins: "Everything tastes better with butter!" Get a brainwave to launch a butter empire.

7. Your idea of the perfect date is:
a. Makin' a baby
b. Egging a neighbor
c. Fornicating
d. Toilet-papering the statue of Thomas Paine

8. Your favorite charitable cause is:
a. "Everything Tastes Better With Butter!" (tm) Campaign to Bring Butter to African Children
b. Help for Middle-Aged People Who Are Funny-Looking and Portly
c. Scataholics Anonymous
d. Support New Ro's Wild Shopping Cart (WSC) Population

9. If you ran for office, your campaign slogan would be:
a. Cheaper Cigarettes for the Elderly
b. Make My Mama Proud
c. I'm Here to Burn Your Village
d. Hot Buttered Everything for the Poor

10. Your favorite toy as a child was:
a. Fuzzy, the Carnivorous Whelk
b. Daddy's gun
c. That gnawed-on, disembodied Barbie Doll head
d. An ancient, cursed amulet that brings with it 600 years of blight

11. You live in Southern Westchester because:
a. Snuggly opportunities on the commuter trains
b. Good cheese
c. You're just that wealthy, damn it
d. The sex offender registries in some other communities are more stringent

12. Your favorite local merchant is:
a. Silkies Saloon
b. Craftform Apparel and Mastectomy Supports
c. That New Ro brothel that went out of business (no thanks to your generous patronage)
d. Silly Little Fripperies for Your Other Summer Cottage

If you answered:
Mostly As: You are ruthlessly unappealing and are shunned at nearly every social gathering. Someone will soon try to poison you.
Mostly Bs: People with pitchforks and flaming brands are currently approaching your place of residence. I would have said it faster but I didn't want to give you a head start.
Mostly Cs: You are an noxious mugwump with questionable hygiene. Expect someone to send you a turd by U.S. Priority Mail in the coming weeks.
Mostly Ds: You are an unlikable lumpen. People are signing a petition asking you to leave the country.