Sauna and Steam Room Etiquette

This sign was posted outside the sauna/steam room at the Mamaroneck NYSC. I found the tone a little bit aggressive.

Sauna and Steam Room Etiquette

Please abide by the following rules so all members can enjoy these facilities.

• Refrain from leaving debris behind (e.g. towels, water bottles, rodent entrails, bones, newspapers, etc.). If debris is traced to you, you will be exterminated.
• Do not tamper with the monkey. The monkey is to be left alone. If we even suspect that the monkey has been tampered with, your membership privileges will be revoked.
• Do not pour water on the heating coils in the sauna. You will be immediately electrocuted. The resulting power surge will short out the entire village, and your nearest relatives will wander off a bridge into the icy waters of the Mamaroneck River.
• Shaving of one's perineum, waxing of nethers, and practicing veterinary medicine is NOT permitted in either room—it is unsanitary! The fact that you would even consider it causes us to think about revoking your membership privileges. You have been warned. Some of your friends have already been taken into custody.
• Using sauna as a centre for taking over of the earth is not permitted.
• Using sauna as personal boudoir is not permitted. Any underthings left hanging in the sauna will be burnt, as will your collection of stage wigs.
• Using sauna as a political arena is unacceptable. "Followers" of any kind, as well as pamphleteering/leafleteering within 50 feet of the sauna, is strictly forbidden.
• Using sauna to empty one's bladder is not permitted, not to mention unsanitary! You have gone too far already. You are now being arrested.
• INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR OF ANY KIND WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. YOU ARE FUCKING WITH US SO MUCH NOW THAT WE ARE GOING TO USE CAPITAL LETTERS. YOUR TIME AS A FREE INDIVIDUAL IS OVER.

Sincerely,
NYSC Management