Sunday, January 2, 2011

Podiatric Products: Surprisingly Delicious and Addictive

Just imagine that those toes are...olives!
I bought these knock-off Yoga Toes at CVS today to correct a pain in my toes. The brand FLEX-TASTIC advertises itself as "The Secret to Healthier Feet." The box also contained this mysterious and prominent warning:

Do not eat FLEX-TASTIC (TM) - Choking or health problems may result.

This was disappointing, because the first thing I thought of when viewing my new Yoga Toes knockoffs was how good they would taste draped in proscuitto. I really wanted to eat them. Both of them--the one for the left foot, and then the one for the right. See how they have five holes, one for each toe? When I saw those holes, I didn't see spots for toes--I saw spots for OLIVES. Olives stuffed with delicious pimentos!

Then I thought: Maybe this is sort of like the health warning they put on other so-called "unhealthy" items, which everyone totally ignores. Should I really bother to pay attention to it? Why, it didn't even have the stamp of the Surgeon General. I wanted to taste just one of my new FLEX-TASTIC toe-spacers. But suppose this was the one that addicted me? Suppose, just suppose I couldn't get enough of the thick, chewy, molded plastic, and had to run to CVS to buy more? At $8.99 a pack, this could lead to financial difficulties in due time. And the social stigma....

I was nervous, but I couldn't rid myself of the vision of five neatly-rolled cream-cheese stuffed ham roll-ups poking out of each hole in my new Yoga Toes! Other people must eat them all the time and never experience any of this "choking" or "health problems." What kind of health problems, anyway? Couldn't they be more specific? When I eat podiatric products, I like to know exactly what kind of risks I am running, for goodness' sake! Maybe they meant a bit of psoriasis, or increased acne.

Then I thought: They would never have put this warning on the package if these Yoga Toes were not INCREDIBLY TASTY AND ADDICTIVELY SO! That made me want to eat them even more. I stared at the box for a long time imagining them dusted with powdered sugar and fried lightly to a succulent crispness. They would make a clever miniature jello mold! A cute little garnish for a rack of lamb?

I looked at the health warning once again, and noted that it did not use a single exclamation mark. Also, it said that eating the item "may" cause health problems, not that it "will." How dangerous could the things be, anyway? CVS sells them! CVS wouldn't sell anything bad for you. CVS is all about HABA: Health and Beauty Aids! These FLEX-TASTIC brand toe-fixers were simply too tempting to deny any longer.

I ate them. 


Anonymous said...

My first thought when I saw this was that you inserted things in there to straighten them. (written with legs crossed)

Anonymous said...

These could also function like brass knuckles. And you could paint your nails in them when you're not using them to make a knuckle sandwich.

Jack Silbert said...

That Black Swan lady could've used these. Her toes were all stuck together real yuckily. Plus she was too skinny from all that dancin' and could've snacked on them afterwards.

chris said...

i had them for a while, those yoga toes, and i have to say, they seemed like they would feel really good between your teeth if you chawed 'em! like those jewel tones key chains with stuff written on them...they look like jello but are much more al dente.