Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Easy Guidelines for Stalking Almost Anything, Including Me

Dear Friends,

I have now installed a "follow me" gadget on my blog! It took me only three years to do so. Blogger suggests that I write a post announcing the new feature and asking those who can figure out the technology of the thing to please "follow me," so I am obeying Blogger as I do in almost all things, except for the things in which I obey Wrdga-Hu, the demi-god who lives in the grout in my bathroom tiles.

I am absurdly easy to follow because of my trick knee, and also because of the pantomime pony costume that I have taken to wearing on almost all outings. The combination makes for a highly visible entity, especially against a snowy backdrop. I move very slowly over the hillocks of ice, and occasionally sing a merry tune as I go, something about "pom-tiddly-pom" and apples in the springtime.

An example of a very clever and intricate pony disguise.

You can usually see me from about a mile off, if you have strong spectacles.

If you choose to follow me, I suggest that you attend to that "mouth breathing" problem that has been troubling you since grade school, and that you refrain from chewing on celery sticks or paste board while coming up close behind me. I would also advise against wearing anything made of glacine, crumpled paper, or small skulls. All these things will make me extremely alert to your presence and will give you away in an instant. I will turn, quick as an adder, and strike you down with my pantomime pony hoof. You will not see it coming.

When following me, it is highly advisable to stay within shrubberies and ravines, so that you will not be spotted. You might also disguise yourself as a small Asian woman, especially if you are a large Norwegian man. The combination will be enough to flummox me, for I am quite unobservant and have my head in the clouds most of the time.

In winter, wear white. In summer, green. In spring, dress as a giant butterfly and run about in small, lazy circles. In the fall, dress as compost and/or humus and lie flat on the ground. These are all handy tips for following not just me, but anyone whom you would care to stalk!

If you are stalking something non-sentient (e.g. meat, soup cans, beets), it is not imperative to wear the proper disguise—but it does help break the ice for the face-to-face meeting when you finally catch up to the object of your affection. Otherwise it can be terribly awkward and you may find yourself with nothing to say but "So. Here we are."

Stalking animals is not recommended. They will find it creepy and will make fun of you.

If you abide by these useful guidelines you will succeed at your stalking endeavors. I will never know that you are following me, and will remain blissfully unaware of your malodorous enmity and/or slavish devotion.

Thank you,
The Party Pony


Jack Silbert said...

If you walk away, walk away, walk away, walk away, I will follow.

Anonymous said...

You've put this quite in a nutshell, old thing! In my experience you have only two modes of operation: 1) all-seeing and all-knowing hyper-awareness, and 2) merrily oblivious or distracted revery verging on sleep-walking. Why, I followed you for 20 blocks one time in NYC with nary a glance, and yet another time you spotted me in the royal enclosure at Ascot where I was disguised as a lawn jockey--shockin' sharp eyes!
Yrs, Sam

Julie said...

Ha! Funny stuff. I will follow thee.

Anonymous said...

You already know I will follow you to the ends of the earth and back, prancing pony of my heart's desire!

These tips are very useful for those who, unlike me, have not yet mastered the art of Goat Fu. Goat Fu requires cloven hooves and sparkly pants and fantastic climbing abilities.

But your tips will help the uninitiated achieve acceptable results, and we cannot all be masters of the arcane arts.