Saturday, January 22, 2011

I Once Accidentally Spied the Weiner of Lyle Menendez

I recently unearthed my high school yearbook, and found this photograph of my famous classmate:

My friend Claire wrote on the page: "Methinks he'll make ugly babies..."
Yes, it is Lyle Menendez, of the notorious Menendez brothers. He and sibling Erik shot their parents at point blank range while they ate strawberry shortcake in their den. They went to high school with me. For real!

You may wonder: What did I know of this villain? Sadly, not much. Lyle did not deign to speak to me more than a handful of times. I was not of his ilk. His ilk wore tennis whites all day long, in the hallways and classrooms. I tended to hang around behind the school and smoke cigarettes. I was invited to his senior year class party along with everyone else, however, and went up the driveway past the fluttering balloons tied to the mailbox and shook hands with his soon-to-be-dead parents and jumped into his swimming pool.

I was on the JV tennis team, and he on the Varsity. Therefore, we would often pass on the way to the courts. Lyle was usually stuffed with self importance, his dark eyes shining with pride and athleticism and a grandiosity that repelled me. He didn't concern me much, but one day I turned to my pal as we lurked in a bush and had a surreptitious smokie treat. "That old Lyle looks like a Class-A prick," said I.

"He is a Class-A prick," she replied, and took a deep drag.

The only story I have of him is thus. I shared an English class with him, and as we were scribbling away at a freewrite I chanced to glance up. He was wearing his tight, white tennis shorts as he always did. He let his left leg swing out, lazily, blissfully, and his weiner dangled right out of the shorts. I glanced away, horribly embarrassed. But throughout the class my eyes kept flicking over there, against my will—and the weiner kept winking in and out, like a turtle in a cave. He was totally ignorant of the thing. He just kept staring at the English teacher with a dumb, vapid expression.

I wanted to yell out at him: "Put away your weiner, man!" But he was a serious sort of dude. I would never have spoken to him in such a light manner. He had these strange, dark eyes.

That's all I really remember about him. Methinks he'll make ugly babies.

Lyle and Erik Menendez. Remember this shot? I do! Remember the Made For TV movie? I do!


Anonymous said...

Oh, Pony! This is so sad! How tragic that your innocence was lost at the sight of a homicidal tennis champion's penis! In *English* class, no less...Your blog, indeed your prose in general, is testament to your resilience. It would have been perfectly understandable had you forevermore been overcome by blackouts at the sight of paper and! :O)

The Rake said...

@Anonymous: That is a huge leap in logic that that was how the Pony lost her innocence. Really?

In any case, looking closer at the douche's photo, do you think at the time that the shutter clicked he had already hit the ball and this was the follow through of a western-grip forehand? Or, is he, again as of the instant of the photograph, anticipating on and intending to do a one-hand backhand slice lob?

Given the position of his feet, I'm guessing the former. Despite this photo-nalysis, I think the important thing to remember is that, these days, he is likely someone's punk.

Anonymous said...

@The rake: While I am now curious as to how the Pony lost her innocence, I'm even more curiuos as to how you lost your sense of humor.

Jenny Phresh said...

My innocence is gently tarnished, not lost.

Party supplies said...

I’ve reading with full of interest. He’s certainly raised my awareness.

Catherine Stine said...

This is friggin' hilarious gallows humor, really. Such a weird fashion statement--those short-shorts. I was much more fascinated by Erik. He seemed like the more tortured one. I wonder if his story of abuse at his dad's hands was true. I tend to believe him. Unlike whatever comes out of Casey Anthony's mouth in her trial. Man-oh-man, what a pathological liar she is.

Alexis Linkletter said...

Hi Jennifer, I'm working on a documentary about the Menendez brothers for NBC/ UNIVERSAL. I would LOVE to talk to you if you're open to it. Please email me as your convenience,

Alexis Linkletter said...

Hi Jennifer, I'm working on a documentary about the Menendez brothers for NBC/ UNIVERSAL. I would LOVE to talk to you if you're open to it. Please email me as your convenience,