This New Year's Eve I was reminded of the following incident by a friend, as the man in question in the story celebrates his naissance on December 31. In his honor I tell the tale once again.
Every word of the story is true. As far as I can remember it, that is.
During sophomore year in college, my dear friend and quadmate (let's call her Luscious) was dating a young man (let's call him Johnny) with a peculiar physical quirk. Evidently, his manly member bent at an acute right angle, such that he had some difficulty inserting it into tight spaces without some desperate acrobatics. He was also a bit of a religious zealot. During one of their early groping incidents, Johnny reportedly placed his hands together in prayer, gazed up at the sky, and said aloud: "Lord, please forgive me for what I am about to do."
Poor Luscious! She was distraught. Johnny then proceeded to try to defy the laws of physics and defile dear Luscious with his strangely-shaped apparatus.
Time went on and Luscious moved on in her love life, leaving Johnny behind. She still mooned after him, but her quadmates had always found him a bit odd and even deeply unpleasant, so we told her to forget about it. He had these googly, swollen eyes, you see. And he was also a bit fat. And the begging God for forgiveness after every "touching" session was tiresome, and made Luscious gnaw her nails with anxiety that she was causing the fellow to think that he would burn in hell, which wasn't as bad as actually burning in hell but....
One day, my fellow quadmate (let's call her Shanona) and I decided that, for fun, we would decorate the walls of Luscious' room with large, winged, green penii. Except we did it sneaky-like. We decided to draw the green penii UNDER every one of Luscious' gorgeous art posters, and then replace the posters as if nothing evil had ever transpired!
Many of the creatures had googly eyes and maniacal expressions. One, in particular, was bent at an acute 90 degree right angle and had a speech bubble coming out of its mouth that read: "Allo! I am J.Z." (Johnny's initials.)
Many weeks passed and Luscious had no idea about the green fleshly evil that waited behind her posters while she slept. But she, like many of her college chums, used that Blu-Tack substance to secure her art to the wall. It can give way at any moment! And, it did.
One night Luscious got uncharacteristically tipsy, and brought home none other than Johnny Z. from a fraternity party. "Let's give this another whirl!" she thought hopefully. She had been dreaming of the fellow for quite a while, after all. They were just getting romantic in her room when the very poster that covered the winged weenie with the bent member was revealed, with a ominous "fhoop!" sound.
Johnny looked up at it and said: "Dear Lord. That's me."
He left the area with alacrity.