Wednesday, January 28, 2009

These Are the Rules; You Shall Obey Them!

The rules of the household are as follows. If you do not obey these rules, you will be taken behind the shed and shot.

1. When the Master of the House is cooking breakfast, do not touch the bacon. Do not ask for bacon. If you ask for bacon, you will get no bacon. If you try to touch the bacon before all the slices of bacon are cooked, you will get no bacon. If you plead for bacon, or look at the bacon with a gleam in your eye, you will get no bacon. Commentary on how the bacon is being prepared is unwelcome, and may get you shot.

2. Cheese must be sliced in one direction only. Slicing the cheese "against the grain," off kilter, too fat, or too thin will result in severe reprisals and occasional stabbings with the cheese knife. American cheese and "cheese food" are not permitted in the household.

3. Teabags are not to be left in the sink.

4. If someone in the household sneezes, you must immediately snap to attention and shout "bless you!" Failure to immediately shout "bless you!" will result in an aggrieved cry of "Nobody said 'bless you!'" Attempts to make good after the fact will not result in forgiveness. You will be watched most carefully.

5. If the younger members of the household are engaged in a musical performance, the guests must sit quietly. Talking during the song will result in your name being put on The List. Singing or movement during the song: Your name goes on The List. Clapping before the song is complete will get your name on The List. If your name is put on The List, you will be disappeared. Those whose names are not on The List will get a reward sticker.

6. Only the Master of the House shall be permitted to cook the following:
If this rule is not obeyed, it will result in aggrieved cries of "These are horrorful pancakes, mommy," "Why is my spaghetti all clumped together?," "Daddy's oatmeal is so much better," and "You messed it up AGAIN. This is horrorful!"

7. If the Master of the House emerges from the shower to find no towel, you will be blamed. Return all towels to the bathroom after use.

8. Mein Schtinky Teddy shall always be referred to by his full and proper name. He is not to be called "that thing," or "that putrid bear." Mein Schtinky Teddy shall be honored and revered, flung down the stairs, and ritualistically gnawed upon.

9. Any inquiry made to the Eldest Son shall not be made during his working hours, when he is engaged in massive art projects, engineering contraptions, birthday-party planning for invisible friends, and the like. Any inquiry made during these times will result in an apoplectic fit and bites to the ankle area.

10. "Pizza patting" is not recommended. Anyone caught "pizza patting" will be subject to ridicule and ostracized socially for several days.

11. If a phone is not placed back in the charger after its use, your phone privileges may be revoked. You will also be beaten about the head with said phone, and made to wash the linens.

12. Wring out all sponges after use. If a sponge is discovered loitering at the bottom of the sink, you will be made to eat a "sponge sandwich," scented with mildew, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

13. In any dispute pertaining to these rules, Baby (aka "Baby Sunshine") shall be consulted to bring order, clarity, and a gummy smile to the proceedings, resulting in fewer purges, deportations, and executions than would normally be anticipated.


Anonymous said...

I just stood outside your house in the snow and broke every one of your stinkin' rules. Ha!

Anonymous said...

That's funny...those are the rules in MY house as well! Seems odd, I'll grant ya...

Old NH

chefmlkim said...

I personally think the idea of a dirty sponge sandwich with pizza drippings so appetizing that I might just make one right now!

X-Stina's X-Ploits said...

I am printing this and hanging it up!
Still lmao!

cherie said...

My little one's asking, "What's funny?" as I'm snorting rice pilaf through my nose. Methinks I'm on The List now and will be disappeared.