Wednesday, February 27, 2008

My Top 15 Questions About New Ro

Now that my blog is being featured on The Larchmont Loop, a great local resource for news and information, I am on the prowl for New Ro scoops. As a chronicler of all that is weird in this little hamlet of 72,182 souls, I find my curiosity piqued by the following 15 questions. I shall not rest until I have pick-axed my way to the truth of each!

1. Are New Ro drivers, like the proverbial "mass-holes," really worse than others in Westchester? Or does the city attract horn-thumping fools like a magnet?
2. Is Sound Shore hospital really a medieval fright-fest, where women wander the halls like wraiths desperately looking for a bite to eat, and the emergency room has a layer of filth an inch thick? Or are these just scare stories meant to keep kiddies from leaping dangerously off high places and needing stitches?
3. Is Donald Trump embarrassed yet?
4. Why do people, when driving up the Post Road through Larchmont, discreetly hang onto their fast-food wrappers and old bottles--only to toss them wantonly out the window as soon as they cross the New Rochelle border?
5. Were there just as many geese pooing like crazy on the grass at Glen Island when it was home to Big Bands and was an elite destination for hip New Yorkers in the 30s?
6. Will there be lots of geese also pooing at the brand-new Echo Bay waterfront development when it is finally finished in 2044?
7. How many car dealerships can I hit with a pellet gun from my attic window?
8. Is it really a good idea for people in my neighborhood to hang their undergarments out on the line to give them that clean, springtime scent?
9. What's up with that Wykagyl area? Every time I drive through there it seems like people are on their way to worship the Lord. Are there any "bad guys" there?
10. Will I ever meet anyone who is member of the incongruous-looking, swollen beach clubs down on Davenport Avenue? Will they invite me to one of their parties? Will I get to swim in a pool? Will the other members like me? Will I want to write a very snarky blog entry about the experience afterward?
11. Have the Huguenots finally escaped persecution, or do they feel peeved about the food wrappers and offal mentioned in Item # 4?
12. What retail stores will go into New Roc City to replace the arcade? Will there be a "Chess King"? How about a "Dress Barn"? I like stores that refer to "barns." They make me feel womanly, and hungry for a snack.
13. Dude, who moves out from Manhattan to live in the Trump Plaza?
14. What goes on in the Poet's Corner on Main Street? Are there poets in this town? Do they write poetry with titles such as "Sweet Avalon, on the Sound"?
15. If I begin to use a thick parody of a French accent whenever I speak the name "New Rochelle," will the town take on a new "coolness" and European je ne sais quoi?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

OK, I take it back. There's SO much here that I don't get and can't answer! Um, yes, tou'll be invited to a beach club and will scribe a snarky blog in response...I think? Poets? Uh, mebbe. Bad driving and littering, yup. And I believe you can hit twelve car lots with a pellet gun from your upper windows...but I suggest the Barrett .50 for maximum range and truly ferret-stunning stopping power. Actually, that would vaporize a ferret at over a mile, not to mention a rutabaga....uh, as to the other there a time limit? Can we do some research and get back to you? Are there prizes? Are they cupcakes or mini-muffins?

Furrowed Brow, NH