Wednesday, August 31, 2011

"Thems are the stupidest people I have ever met!"

A discussion with my five-year-old son at summer camp, after his first night in the cabin:

Mom: How do you like your new cabinmates?

B: Thems are the stupidest people I have ever met!

Mom: They seem nice! Why would you say that?

B: Well, N. farted on a piece of gum before he gave it to me.

Mom: Oh. Did you chew the gum?

B: Well, yeah. It was my first piece of gum ever; come on! OF COURSE I chewed it.

Mom: And what about K.? Is he nice?

B: He's the second stupidest person in the whole world. N. is the first. He's so mean to me!

Mom: What does he do?

B: Well, when I am sleeping in the night, he climbs up to my bed and punches me in the head! I never wake up, but I think he's doing it.

Mom: You said you don't wake up?

B: No, I stay asleep! I'm tired from running around and stuff. He's gotta stop punching me in the head while I am sleeping, though. That kid is a rotten kid.

Note: Both N. and K. were determined to be sweet and decent children, and the three became fast friends.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Hate Mail From My Readers

July 12, 2011
Dear so-called "Party Pony,"
I am a small Shetland pony who gives rides to children at parties. Some of them are critically ill, and are missing limbs, eyes, noses, and important organs. In my service work as a Party Pony for these children, I consider myself a hero. Imagine my froth of indignation when I discovered you using MY name to spread your foul breed of goat worship and dirty language about Care Bears and other inoffensive creatures. Your post on "Poo Poo Snowballs" sickened me to my very hooves, and I was struck speechless by your story of "Poo-Splosion." Some of us cannot help but defecate in the vastness of nature, to our great shame. Must you speak of doo-doos in such an inane and disgusting manner? Please cease and desist all use of the "Party Pony" moniker immediately. You will be hearing from my attorney.
The Real Party Pony

Dear Party Pony,
How dare you lambaste all these food groups, you fucking nutcake? Eat yourself some Prozac and and stop giving apples and corn and other healthy foods a bad name. We are really pissed off and inclined to hurl ourselves at your head.
—The vegetables and fruits of southern Westchester, NY

Dear Ms. Prescott,
 I am a protector and lover of wild shopping carts, and I find your posts on them to be offensive in the extreme. While purporting to be a naturalist, you objectify and sexualize the behavior of the carts, while neglecting to mention their almost-human emotions and treatment of their young. You portray the carts as aggressive and savage; why, nothing could be further from the truth! Shopping carts are gentle and shy creatures. Do not stalk them any more, or you may find me at your door—and I won't be coming for tea and crumpets.
H. Hoogsworth Lillyfat

Date: 4/21/2008
We are going to fucking kill you.
—The Cones

Dear Party Pony,
You will be getting a turd for Christmas after this unkind post about My Workshop.
—Santa Claus

*I was completely offended by your rude comments pertaining to Craft Form apparel in this post. That store offers a valuable service for ladies who have had mastectomies. It is clear that you hate women, especially women who have had mastectomies. You must hate people with cancer. You also hate black people and all minorities. You are a terrible person. New Rochelle is a lovely town.
* Note: I really did get this piece of hate mail.

Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for posting these helpful etiquette tips for The Rapture. Because of you, many people behaved in a seemly fashion during My Most Holy Judgment, instead of running around like ill-mannered lunatics. Despite this, I have decided to smite you, because you are generally heathen and inappropriate and have been so since childhood.
The Lord God
P.S. God uses the "Times" font. I do not care for Arial. I despise Comic Sans still further. This is why it is not offered in the Blogger menu.

This post was inspired by E.B. Cummings post, It's Important to Apologize When You Offend Someone;  thanks to her, I now have a handy form to send to all these individuals! Rah, E.B.!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Haikus for Strange Abandoned Items

Lashed to a tree branch
The abandoned lovey waits.
Days pass, and seasons.
Cruelly shorn of clothes.
Are those her pants in the weeds?
Ah! How the world is weeping!
Cry havoc, gummies!
When the grenade exploded
A part of me died.

Lone chicken nugget.
Once crisp, now not fit for man.
You rest on rough stone.

The jalapeño!
Wedged with such ferocity.
May buttocks meet you.

The humanity!
Who would unleash such terror
Into a calm dawn?

Monday, August 22, 2011

A Million Suns ARC giveaway, plus four more!

UPDATE: Winners have been selected randomly from my magic party hat. Thanks to everyone who entered! If you didn't win this time, you might win the next time. I picked:

April (@PhiliaFelice)
Angel C. Mermaid Books (@mermaidvisions )

Enjoy the books and report back on what you thought!
I have some shiny new ARCs to give away! This treasure trove includes the hotly anticipated A Million Suns, by Beth Revis, as well as exciting titles by Beth Neff, Janet Lee Carey, Julia Karr, and Mary Lindsey. Picture yourself in a lawn chair, a stack of these by your side, as you sip a drink with an umbrella in it and call for Jeeves to bring you some fresh canapés. (Jeeves not included in giveaway; you must supply your own gentleman's gentleman.)

All you have to do to be eligible is:
1. Follow my blog.
2. Leave me a comment.
3. Tweet at least once about the giveaway (make sure to tag me @feralpony so I can see it). If you don't use Twitter, you can commune with your associates through witchcraft, ESP, Carrier Goat, or skywriting. I will surely take notice, because I am all-knowing and all that rot.

Good luck and have fun! (P.S. Contest will end Wednesday morning 8/24.)

They may look like ordinary girls, but they are criminals at a juvenile detention facility!

I see a lot of book covers with maidens in flowing dresses looking drugged, dragged about, and possessed, don't you?

The others have to wait until January 2012! You don't.

All sixteen-year-old girls are forced by the Governing Council to get an XVI tattoo, announcing that they are prey.

She looks drugged, dragged about, and possessed as well! Excellent.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Belated Blog Awards

As many of you know, I spent the last several weeks languishing in the belly of a large ursine animal. I shared the space with one can of tuna, a jar of peanut butter, a belt buckle or two, and a very surly hiker who insisted on complaining and not making the best of the situation. I escaped, and returned to civilization to find that I had been given some lurvely blog awards. I now have the wits about me to bequeath them to other deserving ladies and gentlemen. (Or just ladies. It seems I have left the men on the sidelines holding their dance cards and their winkers. Next time, boys! It wasn't meant to be a slight. But you always tend to misplace my awards next to the urinal, you know.)

The Liebster Blog Award is given to bloggers with less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. The rules are delightfully simple:
  1. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.
  2. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
  3. Post the award on your blog.
  4. Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the internet—other writers.
  5. And best of all – have fun and spread the karma. 

I received this award from TWO people: The lovely Catherine Stine, author and illustrator and all-around talented individual, and Angela V. Cook, writer, great pal, and member of the nefarious #goatposse. Thank you both!

And from Lisa Ann, animal trainer and aspiring writer who snuggles with the four-legged and finned on a regular basis, I was also gifted with the Blog on Fire award. I had it, but getting it again means I am SUPER META ON FIRE AND LIKELY TO CAUSE A BIG CONFLAGRATION AND DRIVE PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR HOMES. So thank you, Lisa Ann!

I will re-gift the Liebster to the following people:

1. Tori: I dunno how I found her, but her writing is Grade-A, marvelous, amusing, and so weirdly original and offbeat that she needs a big fat following now. She's just sending out awesome beauties into the universe. I don't think she is an "awards" kind of person so she may trunk this award in a chest with some Fitzgerald and Hemingway novels.
2. Jennifer of Serendipity's Library: I cannot figure out how many followers she has because she is so durned secretive, she must have hidden them under a pile of Harry Potter paraphernalia! But she is lovely, and seems to write all her posts in verse, as they are center justified. Crazy! Cool!
3. Carissa Elg, who is the author of the Pendomus Chronicles, a sci-fi genre bending dystopian series that sounds fascinating! Follow her. I command this.
4. Riley Redgate, who is super-talented and funny and clever and also is, by all reports, a teenager. Wow! She is also a member of the Skeleton Key Blogvel crew.
5. Mary Frame. Mary, Mary, Mary! She is a goddess among men. Can it be that I am first to give you this award, or am I just too drunk and stupid to find it among your recent blog entries? Either way, to you it shall be given.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Summer of Bloggerly Love: Guest Post By Michelle Simkins

Today I am honored to share a guest post by the astounding Michelle Simkins, aka Greenwoman, as part of her "Summer of Bloggerly Love" tour. The general theme: Love. I'm guest posting on her blog today, so be sure to visit. Here, I give you Michelle and her take on our lexicon of lurve. Nom nom nom!
Y'all, we have a problem. It goes a little something like this:

Love [luhv]

  • a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
  • a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
  • sexual passion or desire.
  • a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
  • (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
  • to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
  • to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
  • to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
  • to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
  • to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

And those are just the official definitions. The dictionary forgot "to, like, really totally enjoy?" As in, "I love avocados." Or, "to find unbearably cute," as in "I love puppies."

And forget about defining love as "want to stalk" or "think you own". That's much deeper than I really want to go in this post.

Do you see my problem here? Our love lexicon SUCKS. We REALIZE there's an enormous difference between the affection we feel for a parent or child and sexual desire (unless, of course, you are reading The Collector's Edition of Victorian Erotica, in which it appears that people only have intimate encounters with their relatives or their teachers, or both. And usually there is a switch or riding crop involved somewhere. And excessive use of the word "lascivious". Not that I would know from experience or anything.) And we know that sometimes sexual desire comes without "profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person."

We won't talk about sexual desire and avocados.

The lack of terminology for the varieties of love and affection gets us in trouble all the time. If I tell you "I love you" on Twitter, chances are good that I don't mean "I want to spend the rest of my life with you and would jump in front of a speeding train to save you." Rather, my meaning probably falls somewhere between feelings of friendship and enjoyment of avocados. Probably I like you more than avocados, but it's hard to say. I like avocados an awful lot. So what do we do? I think we need a new Lexicon of Love, people. I would like to make some proposals toward that end. Let us consider the following terms.

aff could be used when we feel affection for someone, such as a child or a friend or someone with whom we've had meaningful interactions. "I aff you." I think it's cute, don't you? And then we'd have a new noun too. "She's my affie." It's like BFF. Only, more sincere (because let's face it, BFF's never ARE Best Friend's Forever.) But that's another blog post.

fam could be a term for affection such as we'd feel for a member of our family.We could use it to express not just familial love, but also the kind of deep friendship that we feel for our chosen families. "I fam my friend Linda.".

lust. We already HAVE a word for sexual passion and desire, and it's a good word. I think we should start using it more often. Dude, if you just want to sleep with someone, call a hard on a hard on. No need to say you love them; say "I lust after you", and nobody gets hurt.

nom is a perfect way to express our deep enjoyment of certain foods. "I totally nom avocados." Because nomming is more than eating, right? It's consuming with gustatory delight and enthusiasm. It is the love of the eating world.

wub: I have often seen casual love and affection spelled "luv" or "lub" or "wuv" or "wub". I have chosen "wub" because of it's similarity to web. And I propose that "wub" should henceforth be used to denote the specific variety of love we feel for those who amuse and delight us on the internet (or web). It is, you see, web love. I wub you, Feral Pony. I wub the Goat Posse. And none of you expect me to drop to one knee with a little velvet box. Unless, of course, it's a little velvet box full of avocados, and someone just kicked me in the leg.

If we adopt these or similar terms, we could then reserve the term "Love" for "profoundly tender, passionate affection" and avoid confusion. I would be free to express my feelings for the funny folk I meet on the internet without anyone showing up in my driveway with a UHaul and a Justice of the Peace.

And I'm definitely open to other suggestions. I know I have many friends who are more clever than I am and who can help me solve this linguistic problem.

Let's nom some avocados, affies. I wub you all.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sex Toys of the American Presidents

Our famous "Presidential Treatment" is now available in 44 deluxe options! All designed for her pleasure, and loaded with historical goodies. Each model sells for only $9.99 plus shipping and a lot of excessive handling. Your package will be delivered in a tasteful brown wrapper covered with patriotic flags, stickers, and slogans.

Lyndon's Johnson. (A reconstruction of an older model, the Andrew's Johnson.)
Lincoln's Log. It will emancipate your vagina! Comes with a removable top hat.
The Warren G. Hard-On. Unfortunately, reviewers note that it lasts for only a minute and a half.
The "Tricky Dick." Get impeached tonight. Special half-off price on "Ike and Dick" when purchased together!
Teddy Roosevelt's Bull Moose. Sounds effects an additional $3.99.
The Grover Cleveland. He comes twice!
The James K. Polk "Poke."
Old Hickory. Always stays hard; includes knobs.
The Millard Fill-Me-More.
The William Howard Taft Shaft. Comes complete with muttonchop ticklers.
I Like Ike...up my wing-wang!
Tippecanoe and Fuck You Too!
Not pictured in this catalogue, but available for order:
The Harry S. Truman: Comes in both Fat Man and Little Boy sizes
The "Stay Out of My Bush" George W. Bush
The "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am" Obama
Take One for the Gipper
"Vice" President Gore
Cal's Cool Cucumber
The Garfield: Get Assassinated!
The Mount Rushmore

Coming Soon! The GOP hopefuls, including:
The Bachmann Turner Overdrive
The Rick Sant-OH!-rummm
Tim Pawlenty of Inches [Note: Withdrawal already announced.]