Saturday, November 28, 2009

Your Property Is Needed in a Movie

So says the subject line of a recent email I received. According to this email, I can get up to $10,000 per day! Boy, what I could do with $10K per day, so I wrote to them immediately. They came and checked the joint out, and shared with us the screenplays to the following films that would be suitable for filming on our property. Here, a brief synopsis of the offerings:

Lil' Appalachia
A down and out couple find themselves the bane of the neighborhood when their children turn feral and begin living in the woodshed. Special Guest Appearance by Macaulay Culkin as Ju-Ju the Dog-Faced Boy.

The Chamber Pot
Ten years ago, a destitute old Granny took up residence in the attic, and has not been seen since except to exchange the daily chamber pot for a platter of gruel. But when the house is sold and a happy young family moves in, Granny is accidentally left behind...and she is very, very angry. Cameo appearance by the ghost of Shelley Winters.

There's something brewing in the compost heap, and it hasn't got any legs! Terror ensues when the creatures commandeer some moldering Jack O'Lanterns and bring down an ass-kicking post-Halloween Apocalypse. Starring Sandra Bullock as Juicy Goodheap, the village constable's wife.

Ninja Assassin Back to the Future to Get You, Suckah!
A couple who move into a charming, 1890s Victorian home invent a time-travel machine so they can go back and beat the tar out of the former owners, who tore all the crown moldings out and installed acoustic tile ceilings. Currently attached to project: Jackie Chan as "the husband."

It seemed like a good idea to rip out the old 1970s shag carpeting from the new house. But the seemingly innocent action releases the spirit of Shag, a beast with a musty, teal-green pelt, piggy red eyes, and the funk of 40,000 drunken swingers' parties and dropped glasses of red wine about him. His bumbling attempts to find love in 2010 will have audiences giggling at this heartwarming, romantic comedy.

Schtinky Teddy: The Vengeance
A sweet but fragrant teddy bear comes to life and engulfs a lot of innocent folk with his stink. Music and lyrics by R. Kelly.

Dude, Where's My Stash?
A perennially drunk, suburban couple become obsessed with the notion that gold, jewels, cash, or drugs is hidden somewhere in their home. As they wantonly tear their house down to the foundations with axes and hammers, they discover that the only true source of wealth lies in organic veggies, and start a beet farm atop the ruins. Unfortunately, the immense quantities of lead paint, acoustic tile, and shag carpet remnants in the soil sicken an entire generation of beet-eating children, and lead to a lawsuit and a furious court battle. Based on a novel by John Grisham.

The Faux Wood-Themed Wallpaper
A mentally ill woman comes to the country to recuperate, but she starts to see bulbous eyes and creepy aliens in the disgusting wood paneling of her bedroom. In despair, she does a lot of laundry in the dank and dripping basement, where she is maimed by large crickets. Starring Angelina Jolie-Pitt as The Woman.

New Moons
Vampire heartthrob Edward Cullen comes creeping around the perimeter of the property, but happens upon an ill-timed gathering of three be-wigged ladies and a skunk. Lots of pre-prandial cocktails ensue, which are quickly interrupted by small children who have to go piddle.

Rumbling Toward Gomorrah
Michael Moore heads to Mamaroneck to investigate why the neighbors are so durned suspiciously friendly and why they keep coming by with fruitcakes and pies. When he makes a wrong turn off I-95 and winds up in New Rochelle by accident, he is swept away in the yearly Great Mating Ritual of the abandoned shopping carts and decides to make a nature documentary instead. Cameo appearance by Our House in an overhead aerial shot of the Great Trek of the Carts.