Friday, February 14, 2014

22 Awesomely Terrible Valentine's Day Gifts

We now interrupt our regular Manny Diaries programming for our annual Valentine's special, in which we showcase a series of unfortunate Valentine's Day gifts that will make your loved one run screaming into the nearest snowbank.

1. Giant Meat Heart
$8.57 for all that meat? I tried to enlarge the image to reveal the text, which no doubt read "Turkey Scrotums and Pork Spleens," but the resolution is poor.
 2. Brief Jerky
Discomfort factor: Quite high.
3. His and Her Tongue Scrapers 
Because there is no way you want to share such an item with your spouse or anyone else. Ick! Tongue fur...tongue fur.  I'm going to keep saying that until you FREAK OUT. Tongue fur.
 4. Chocolate Heads
Before you decide to commission your love's face in chocolate, try to find a photograph of said love taken right before he bites into a big hoagie or right after releasing gas. The results will be so much better! YUM.
 5. Faceless Snuggly Thing
This faceless snuggie will comfort you when you are lonely and sad. Then it will heartlessly strangle you. Best avoided.
 6. Fundies!
No Valentine's Day list would be complete without these. Even more fun when worn by
religious fundamentalists with opposing views!

7. Big Phallic Rose

I cling to my fading manhood much as this small, frightened bear clings to this giant, phallic rose. 
8. Giant Purple Gorilla
Apparently there are lots and lots of giant plushies for sale, and all of them feature besotted adult females clinging to them. There's something somewhat unsavory about this. 
9. Valentine Punkin
Found it in the Halloween remainders bin, put a fresh onesie on the item to repurpose it for Val's Day. Fail. 
10. Disapproving Lovey
"I am deeply disappointed in you and will sit here in judgement until you wither before me" did not fit on the heart.
11. Giant Plush...Oh My God What IS That?
Whoa, is that thing to scale? How many acres of Saran wrap did it take to package it? When I "dream big," will you console me when I awaken? That delivery man (or is he a guard?) sure seems anxious.

12. Unidentifiable Pile of Something

Nothing says "I love you" like a pile of hot buttered yak wool with eyes.
13. Long Dog With Fleshy Tongue
It would have been pretty bad as it was, but they had to add that awful, fleshy tongue
that looks somehow real and vaguely human. I made this photo extra-large so you could see
the detail...the taste buds. I suspect tongue trafficking!
14. Fairy Turdlets
When I saw this I couldn't help but think of the phrase "fairy turdlets." There is something potty-esque about her seat, and the brown matter that's piling up around her ankles is just...well, blergh. Plus she has the vacant expression of the perennially constipated. 
15. Valentine's Day Luxury Kit
With this luxury kit, you can watch yourself making love in the bath via a two-way mirror while you simultaneously hug and make up after the big blowout that happens when you discover your creepy "Peeping Tom" Doppelgangers spying on you and blame it on each other. Wait, what?  
16. Milk Chocolate Heart
A one-pound, anatomically correct chocolate heart. VEINS. It has veins. 

17. Sleeping Bag With Teeth 
This really cute sleeping bag zips your loved one (nearly comatose with fright) into a life-size bear pelt! You can then act out your weird animal molestation fantasy while her tears drizzle down the bear's "gullet." What fun! 
 18. Cupid Sweater
Everything about this Etsy sweater would have been JUST ADORABLE until I enlarged the image and spotted the heart poking out from the nude cupid's rear. This begs the questions: "Does he poo hearts? Or are his buttocks red and heart-shaped, to attract other suitable cupids? Or did he have an unfortunate accident in a kindergarten classroom?" Also, this sweater's 3-D attributes make it unsuitable for most dry cleaners and crowded public gatherings. 
 19. Bobblehead Lovers
Customized bobbleheads simultaneously rape an innocent Valentine's heart,
revealing the dark side of this cruel holiday. 
 20. Winkie Warmer
Hand-knit winkie warmer! With scrotal flaps. I think it's supposed to be an elephant.
I actually think this is pretty awesome. 

 21. One-Armed Replacement Wife
Lonely men need look no further than the one-armed Replacement Wife. Lovingly hand-stitched by grannies in the Ukraine. Comes with rubber glove to avoid those "dishpan hands." Please specify boobie size: Ping-Pong Balls, Bocce Balls, Croquet Balls, Dodgeballs.
 22. Some Scary Thing From Etsy
Handmade with terror. Please do not purchase this for me.


Catherine Stine said...

AAAACKKK!!!! Hiding under the covers until V Day is over! Actually, I'm hsaring the link to your blog because it's just so dang funny!

Marewolf said...

I really, really, really want winkie the elephant.

I would also like to get video of religious fundamentalists with opposing views partying in the Fundies!

This was hilarious, sharing now.

Now hurry up with the Manny Diaries! :)

Angela V. Cook said...

Laughing so hard I'm crying . . . OMgoodness . . . you outdid yourself, Phreshy ;)

Suzanne Payne said...

I'm not sure which is my favorite: the meat heart or the chocolate anatomically correct are hilarious! And you found some really creepy things

Bethany Crandell said...

Winkie Warmer...


Anita Grace Howard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anita Grace Howard said...

Bahahaha! You had me weeping at phallic rose...

Jennifer Prescott said...

I totally want the elephant winkie warmer! I mean, I have three sons. Does it come in various sizes for the severe winter weather we are having? Oh SORRY sons for humiliating you into the next century. oops?

Precy Larkins said...

Bahahahaha! I tried to leave a comment yesterday but I was on my phone and it ate it up (curse you, phone! The same thing happened when I tried to leave a comment on Mare's blog post). Anyway, thanks for the laughs, Pony!!