Monday, May 23, 2011

All Food Is Poison and Anything You Eat May Kill You

People with panic and anxiety disorder are very suggestible, and they are especially suggestible to their own stupidity. The story of the last month, below, reveals my extremely scientific approach to food intolerance and how it may affect the brain. Please note: If you read this and decide that you, too, are intolerant to all the things I have listed, then we should have a martini together. Contact me. (Except that martinis are derived from wheat, and are now a terrible poison to me. I will be drinking a tea made out of organic quinoa shavings, while you enjoy your delicious martini.)

About one month ago, I decided I was intolerant to Gluten. Gluten can cause all sorts of bad things, I’d read, and I wanted no part of it. It has been reported to cause indigestion, osteoporosis, rashes, and depression. I cut all Gluten out of my life. By the second day off Gluten, I decided I was cured of every anxious thought I have ever had. I ran about through the wet grass in the night, and hurled a tennis ball at the moon.

“Yah! I am cured!” I said to the moon.

A few days later I started feeling dizzy and anxious again, so I decided I had an intestinal parasite. I researched all kinds of parasites, and found out that some can bore into one’s brain! They really can. They can invade every major organ in the body. I researched some online cures that promised to expunge parasites from the body.

But what if it wasn’t a parasite? What if it was just my own idiocy? Then I would have paid $47 for a revolting “colon cleanse” that would just cleanse the nutrients from my body and make me even more dizzy and ill.

I held off, but still brooded heavily about the parasites.

Another week or two went by. By Thursday 5/19, I decided that I didn’t drink enough water. Water, by God, now that was the solution! If I could gurgle down about 10 glasses a day of water, I would be instantly healed and would wake up with my hair in a braid and a song on my lips. As I woke, I would sing a song that would begin with the words: “Another glorious day to celebrate my life!” I made a chart and started to check off how many glasses of water I imbibed per day. On the first day, I drank 10 glasses of clean, pure water.

I woke up feeling just as rotten as ever. “Perhaps,” I thought, “I was right about the parasites.” I also pondered a bit about brain tumors and incurable mental illness. Or maybe I had lactose intolerance? Maybe I was allergic to coffee. Maybe there was some kind of oil in the coffee bean that was sick-making, and caused incurable mental illness. Why, look at the proliferation of coffee shops, and all the poor sad addicts standing in line.

On Friday 5/20, I gave up coffee.

On Saturday 5/21, I was fully convinced that my troubles were all due to a mysterious malady called Fructose Malabsorption. If you have this problem, you can’t eat most fruits, high fructose corn syrup, asparagus, artichokes, onions, leeks, wheat, and brown rice. Basically, everything that is good for you. Fructose Malabsorption can make one extremely anxious and depressed, and can even make one’s eyeballs ache. Plus, it causes bad poop incidents and a bloated tummy that looks like you just swallowed a dodgeball. All these terrible things have happened to me. Therefore, I had "Fructmal."

I started drinking coffee again. What did it matter? Apples were poison.

By Sunday 5/22, I had discarded the Fructose Malabsorption theory altogether. It would be a bore to never eat an apple again! How would I explain this weird food intolerance at Appletini parties?

Instead, I now determined that my trouble was corn and dairy. Corn, the evil of America! No pretty corn-fed maidens, sipping frothy glasses of milk, would tempt me again. I packed up the industrial-sized bag of Costco tortilla chips and, on Monday 5/23, thrust them at our nanny on my way to work.

“Take them, take the awful things from my sight!” I begged.

“But, we just bought those,” she said.

“And look, I have eaten half the bag,” I cried. “It is no wonder the corn has made me quite ill and mad.”

I glared at the cheese in our fridge with suspicion. No doubt it had been made from mad cows and goats, and eating it would pickle my brain matter. I would eat no cheese. I gave up coffee again. I had some weak tea without sugar and milk. I felt very bitter.

By now there was very little left on the "safe list" that I could eat. I ate a few nuts and a banana for breakfast, and became worried about the Fructose thing all over again. “Suppose I was right, and this banana is not on the ‘safe” list, and it makes me sicker than ever!” I fretted about this on the way to work.

By 11:00 I was so weak and shaky from not eating a proper breakfast that I had a panic attack, and immediately nibbled at the corner of a small Xanax. I felt much better.

If you can cure me of this stupidity, I will send you a package of cookies. They will not contain any wheat, corn, dairy, nuts, fruit juices, or sugar, and will taste like little turds coated in sawdust.


The Rake said...

Hurray for the Pony! You have finally, properly and accurately, described--nay, grappled with--your affliction.

In sum, you've finally figured it out! Congrats!

I can cure you. It's all about 4 oz of protein per day. That's not hard to get, now, is it?

And, with that demure comment, I proclaim that I have single-handedly cured you of said "stupidity". (If only you'd listened to me all along!)

I shall not, however, claim the turd-like cookies (unless, of course, they are soaked in butter; in which case count me in!). I shall, rather, claim another cookie as my prize.

In sum: Yay for the Pony and the Rake!

captcha = rYssents (WTF)

cherie said...

That's the best diet plan devised so far. You should market it.

I have a hypochondriac brother. When he was only 20, he thought he had prostate cancer. No kidding. O.o

On another note, food allergies run in the family, so I'm always extra careful with the food my kids eat...just in case. I have seen anaphylactic episodes happen and they are scary.

I was allergic to shellfish when I was a kid. The reaction was strange--if somebody scratched my skin, it would puff up, so that I became a drawing board for my unsympathetic siblings. "Let's draw a house on your forehead!" And poof, a house there was. True story.

Andrew Leon said...

Don't eat sugar.
That's all I have to say. But you can read some stuff about sugar on my blog.

chefmlkim said...

Does this mean you have stopped eating for good? Is there nothing in this world that can cure you? Before you answer that, try my multi-cultural chicken soup. That should cure you of all your ailments. If it doesn't kill you first. :-)

cherie said...

Oh, I hope you don't add allergies to your list of no-no's now. Sorry.

And...I'm trying to see if Blogger works, so you're my guinea pig. Hold on. Let's see...

Mindy McGinnis said...

Yeah..... my car is littered with straw wrappers from fast food joints and there actually is a little corner of cheese on the ceiling by the dome light. No clue on how that got there.

But I'm NOT the chick to give you food advice :)

Anita said...

Awww! My poor starving friend! I guess regular horsie fodder is out. Isn't hay a form of wheat??

What's a pony to eat?

EEV said...

I'm glad you can talk about your "stupidity" with such a great sense of humor. For sure it isn't that funny when you're feeling hungry and anything may kill you... LOL
I am no nutritionist, so I can't help you in the food choice, but are you still going to the nut dog-doctor? Any shrink/therapist/psychologist at all? It should help.
I wish you good luck. And if I were you I'd discard the turd-cookies. Bad advertisement, you know. LOL

Angela V. Cook said...

I have anxiety issues, but I can't relate to the hypocondria thing. Mine usually takes the form as, "Anywhere I go, I might die" lol. Seriously, I'm flying next month (I haven't flown in 9 years) and ever since booking the flight I've been plagued with visions of the plane crashing. *gulp*

Yes, some day I will make a very good recluse. I will be known in the neighborhood as "old lady Cook," and kids will make up tales about me being a witch and so on and so forth . . .

In the meantime, eat your carbs! Seriously, I went on Adkins last summer, and the diet made me dizzy, weak, and I even had heart palpitations!

Bosbo400 said...

Go out and get a great steak - rare, a few martinis and follow it up with a big cigar. Instant cure.

Bethany C. said...

I wish I had some great advice, but all that comes to mind is: ALWAYS ORDER THE 2ND MARTINI WHEN THEY BRING YOU THE FIRST!

One day I'm lactose intolerant, the next have a gluten I can't process raw veggies. I feel your inexplicable pain, my friend.

Ephi Stempler said...

I have just the cure! Become a guidance counselor! Then become a famous screenwriter! Then put your balls on the Internet! Then travel the world! Then go to an ashram and not speak for a month! Then smoke a bowl and envy your friend's beautiful home and family in Mamaroneck when she's secretly envying your glamorous Brooklyn freedom!

Baby Pony, I love you and all your meshuggas. We are all fucking nuts. But just remember: nuts can mean two things. Courage and instability will always go hand in hand. Keep fighting the good fight my talented, beautiful friend. I am inspired even more every day by you. xxxxo