Monday, May 16, 2011

8 Helpful Etiquette Tips for Judgment Day

So, like, Judgment Day is coming on May 21, and it's going to be frigging awesome for 2 percent of the world's population, who will be "raptured" up to God's bosom immediately—even in the middle of eating their soup or tying their shoes!

The rest will suffer lots of awful torments, but you are not among them, because if you are reading this you are clearly one of the saved. Why else would you have clicked on any link that contained "etiquette tips" for Judgment Day? The sinners are going to be far too busy lobbing turds at the ascending ankles of the saved to worry too much about color coordination and chewing with their mouths closed. They don't need "etiquette tips" while they dance under the lash of a vengeful God.

We rock, saved people! Woot.

I'm not sure the exclamation point is really necessary. After all, we are talking about the end of the world. A simple period  would carry sufficiently ominous weight. Is the proper spelling of judgement with an "e" or without? My style guide suggests the "e" is not required and is more commonly used in Britain. This is something I can wonder about until Saturday, when I don't gotta wonder about it no more. Cause I'll be in heaven, and maybe only four or five proofreaders will have made it there, too. But heaven is pretty big and I probably won't run into them.
"It's getting real close. It's really getting pretty awesome, when you think about it," said Harold Camping, the California evangelist who ran some numbers in the Bible that, dude, "blew his mind."

Camping predicted the end of the world in 1994, but he had eaten so many 'shrooms then that he got that dates wrong. This time he has them right, because he studied the Bible a little more fervently.

"I thought I was back in Cincinnati '87 at that awesome Dead show, when I ate the acid and saw a Dodge Dart turn into a jackrabbit. I ate this one burger at that show, and it became like real alarmingly conscious in my stomach. But no, I was reading the f'ing Bible and it was saying some weird shit! What?" said Camping. 

Camping plans to watch television during Judgment Day. Sure, that's what I'd do on the day the world starts to come to an end, too. Watch television. “The whole world will be weeping,” he said. “I think I will have my eyes glued to the TV.”

Camping, how can you have your eyes glued to the idiot box while you're ascending into heaven? Is it one of those little portable televisions?
But what if some of the saved ones are the very ones responsible for quality television programming, and in their absence we get automatic re-runs of Saved by the Bell and some of the Scooby-Doo cartoons that featured the execrable "Scrappy Doo"? I don't want to be watching that shit while my home sinks into a yawning chasm.

Anyway, there are some important etiquette tips to keep in mind while being raptured. Manners matter!

1. Practice your "O Face" quietly and in the privacy of your own home, until it is super convincing. God knows when you're faking it! Unless you're really good at faking it.

2. "How do you do, Lord?" is preferable to "Heya! Have we met? Where are the canapés?"

3. Right before the moment of rapture, it's probably not a good idea to say: "Hold on. I just want to step out for one more quick smoke."

4. If anyone who is not saved tries to grab at the hem of your garment as you are being transported up to Heaven, well, why not let them? Aiding and abetting stowaways is a nice Christian impulse. I will wager that having these stowaways in Heaven will make it a more amusing place. They might start up a comedy improvisation troupe. I think we could make a good movie about this called The Madcap Stowaways about a funny group of bums and drunks who make it into heaven during the rapture. I will need lots of money to make this film. Please see Tip # 5.

5. Give away all your money quickly before 5/21. I recommend giving it to me. However, put it in some kind of deferred escrow account, because I don't want to be like that rich guy for whom entering Heaven is harder than a camel passing through the eye of a needle, or a baby passing through the vagina of a woman.

6. Heaven has a lot of verdant, grassy areas. Spike heels are not recommended. Please note that May 21st is before Memorial Day, not after. No white shoes at the Rapture party.

7. When God is talking, try not to take out your Blackberry. Total instant smiting. God has an unlimited family plan, and that includes Jesus and that Holy Spirit person who is always lurking about. He can smite without getting dinged by a mobile services provider, because he is Most Awesome.

8. Don't get all giddy and giggly and dance about hugging random strangers just because you got picked to be one of the chosen. That's totally gay, and God doesn't like gay stuff.

23 comments:

greenwoman said...

If I said I love you, would you get a restraining order?

Marewolf said...

I really hope to be left behind because there could be some seriously good looting to be had down here on earth when all the suckers ascend to heaven.

P.S. Best. Post. Ever!

God said...

You are going to be very smited.

cherie said...

O_o

Um, are we supposed to live in a cave while waiting for May 21st?

Robin Weeks said...

Hope God doesn't smite me for laughing....

My Word Verification is paconcod. If I could do math like Harold, I'm sure I could decipher the hidden meaning and somehow unsure my rapture status. Damn my useless law degree!

hann said...

A Quartz composite sink might be the best choice for this range of sinks. These are known for their durability.

hann said...

A copper bar sink will make that statement loud and clear. Copper bar sinks have become increasingly popular in recent years and for good reason.

hann said...

We now are the proud owners of a utility sink again. The best thing about the whole project was the cleanup, which I did not have to do in the downstairs bathroom sink.

Liz said...

Pony, Pony, Pony...how like you to first think of how you can increase your fellow earth dweller's chances of ascending in rapture. How selfless! How kind! And how hilarious! Since you seem in the know (and since I assume I will be ascending-what with all of the hell I've already endured during my stay), I just have a question or two:
1. Will we have to pay the $15 baggage fee, or will God waive that?
2. Will there be a full body patdown if I refuse the scanner? I think I'd rather enjoy a patdown by God.
3. Is there wine in Heaven, or is it a BYOB kind of venue?
I.Love.You!
p.s. my captcha word is "butbru", which I think is a sign.

David Kazzie said...

This was awesome.

EEV said...

Could you share the donations with me? I mean, it's not like they're going to need money in heaven... LOL

Best post ever - you rock!
- EEV

Angela V. Cook said...

May 21st, really? I had no idea (my ignorance will probably not help my case on judgement day).

My dog's birthday is on the 21st. No joke! So while everyone is freaking out, I will be putting a princess b-day hat on my dog and snapping pictures ;o) So much more fun than watching Saved by the Bell reruns.

Jenny Phresh said...

@greenwoman, you can love me anytime and I will love you right back.
@marewulf, there is a Facebook event for that! It's called "Post Rapture Looting."
@God, I'm really sorry. Don't smite me too hard?
@cherie, you are supposed to live in a bar until May 21st. But, since you don't drink, why not go to the circus?
@Robin, all attorneys shall be raptured!
@hann, I let your Spam through because I think it's awesome that you are selling "awesome sinks" before the end of the world.
@Liz, two words: Henrietta Hippo!

Bethany C. said...

For the record: I will not throw turds at anyone.

Anita said...

LOL! You silly, nutty girl. ;)

So that's what Mr. Camping was doing when he had his vision ... eating a hamburger that was conscious. How did he know? Did it MOO from within his innards? No WONDER he's so much smarter than the rest of us. His FOOD TALKS TO HIM. That's inspiration if I ever heard it!

Of course, I think it would inspire most of us to find the nearest stomach pump, but hey, who am I to judge? It's not like Mr. C is judgEmental in the least. Let's take a cue from him. Or better yet, a Q, as in bar-b-Q. I got a hankerin' to hear some pigs oinkin' in me belly.

Let us go out and eat many animals so we might bask in their end of the world wisdom!

*Note to PETA ... this was all in jest; please don't hunt me down with pitchforks and torches ... you won't catch me before Saturday anyway, and you KNOW we're I'll be then because food is the KEY to open those pearly gates ... erm ... whites. Pearly whites (i.e. teeth).

greenwoman said...

Well GOOD then! I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Also, someone needs to tell hann that, when packing for the rapture, you take everything BUT the kitchen sink.

Lydia K said...

Funny! I like the part about not wearing heels. Good advice, ha ha.

The Rake said...

@Hann: You really should clean up the downstairs bathroom sink, you fucking pig! Don't leave your disgusting mess in there!

Next time you have three martinis followed by uni sushi, go outside to get your barf on. Do you think quartz composite and copper sinks clean themselves?

You're a nasty bugger, Hann, and you are no longer welcome in the home of the Party Pony and D'Rake.

Sam Southworth said...

Dear Party Pony, This posting is high-sterical! Even long-term friends wonder "Could Phresh be actually getting FUNNIER as time goes along?" (and we only partly mean "more peculiar"). Well, let's look at the records, shall we, since you left college?
Summer 1990: VERY funny.
Fall 1990: Not so funny.
1991: Progressively funnier.
1992: Very funny all year.
1993: More whimsical than funny.
1994: Pensive, and then funnier.
1995: Just damn funny all year.
1996: Pretty damn funny!
1997: Funnier and funnier.
1998: Funny as fuck-all.
1999: REALLY FUNNY.
2000: Funniest year yet!
Anyway, no need to flog a dead pony, but, yes, we have concluded that you are building to some unholy climax of funniness!! Excellent posting!!
Yrs,
Blodgett in Central Stats, Division 23, Office X9, Half-Baked Research Company, a division of SAS and SOE

Sophie Li said...

ROFL!! I guess I'm really screwed if Im a Buddhist and don't really believe in heaven or hell aye?

Thanks for the laugh and double thanks for listing my blog. You will be happy to know that I have returned in kind. :)

Anonymous said...

Greenwoman does not need a retraining order. I do believe Herr Southworth does. If the day of reckoning is right around the corner, why not gorge yourself with 500lb.'s of delicious artisinal toffee? (I know where you can get the good stuff.). Or this that bad etiquette. Something to think about... Okay, but don't take too long. :-)

Jennifer said...

Wow you are too funny! I'm a little worried about laughing for fear of being smited do you think God can see me if I hide under my desk and laugh? I found you from another blog...You are awesome...was that creepy?

cherie said...

We're getting closer...

Need to find a circus now. :P (no clowns)

I'm stocking up on bumpits and goats, in case I don't get raptured.