Saturday, May 21, 2011

After the Rapture: What Was Taken and What Was Left Behind?

The rapture done come and gone, and some things were snatched by God. Others were left behind on this dreadful ball of doom we call Earth. Now we have to live with this nonsense until October, when even these pancakes (below) and their ilk will be destroyed.

These hideous and misshapen pancakes were deemed unfit for the Lord, and were left behind to sink into a fiery crevasse.
Jonathan Snartzhugh, part-time laborer, was Raptured right off his ladder, leaving only a lone chicken nugget which fell out of his surprised maw onto the pavement below.
The shopping cart known as "Big Red" was belched forth from its grave during the Judgment, and carried straight up to the arms of God, who immediately filled it with nutritious organic vegetables and overpriced products from Whole Foods.
Schtincky Teddy was instantly raptured and rose unto Heaven. Mousie, left behind, tried to grab at the ascending ankles of the fragrant teddy bear, but was, alas, too slow.
A good Christian bunny rabbit, about to be caught in a nefarious heathen trap, was raptured right before succumbing to the lure of the bad carrot of Atheistic Irresponsibility. Note: The child in the background was raptured after he fulfilled his "time out" for naughty behavior.
"No." —God
Evil Grubby Baby, aka "The Trumpet of God," decides who shall rise and who shall perish: My Little Pony "Star Shine" version, or The Party Pony?
Star Shine is cast down! Burn, Star Shine, for you are a plastic thing from the bowels of Hasbro, and will not be raptured. You have bulbous eyes. I once loved to comb your hair with the Pretty Purple Comb, but your vanity and licentiousness have doomed you. Your stubby purple wings will fly you only to the Hot Place.


cherie said...

Poor Jonathan Snartzughsomething! The look on the piece of chicken nugget will haunt him forever. "Oh, Jonathan, why thoueth not closeth thy moutheth?" squeaked the abandoned nugget, before an unRaptured denizen of Hell called a squirrel squirreleth it away.

Ah forgive me. This stuffy head doth not worketh when ill.

Anita said...

Hmm. Lindsay Lohan accused God of stalking her a while back. She went so far as to get a restraining order against Him.

Too bad. I KNOW she would've been taken up otherwise. She was next in line after that chicken nugget.

Angela V. Cook said...

Haha! THAT was funny ;o) I loved the picture of teddy in mid-rapture. You might be able to get that photo published in TIME Magazine! I mean, how many others have been able to get a photo of such a divine event as it takes place?

Anonymous said...

Well, I am still here. Actually nothing at our house was raptured. We heard a voice telling us something about "licentiousness" "fornication" "false idols" and "taking the lord's name in vain", but whatevs. I figure only like five people actually made it anyway!

cherie said...

I saw Big Red yesterday, cavorting with three gormless rioters. Just off the Target store. I thought he was raptured? Or maybe it was his evil twin.

word verfification: wifying

Definition: Er...when you're trying to hack into your neighbor's WiFi, and find out all sorts of questionable searches in their search history bar.

Bethany C. said...

I KNEW chicken McNuggets weren't something God ever intended us to eat!

Anonymous said...


OH CRAP I think I just ate a close kin of Jonathan Snartzughsomething! *cries*

traceyhansenwrites said...

The LaLohan pic was the best! Thanks for visiting my page! I'll take you up on that drink! I'm down for martinis or moonshine, or even this drink on the discovery channel where women fermented the drink in their mouths and spit it into a cup had it's appeal to me. : )

The Rake said...

Hmmm... I wonder how good ole Hann and his Awesome(!) Sinks fared.

captcha = phorc

T.S. Welti said...

The rapture hit our house, but we all ended up stuck on the ceiling. Glad to see Schtinky Teddy made it out alright. :)