Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Same 10 Questions I Always Ask Myself, Part the Eighth

1. What are you wearing?
A brassiere made of gallbladders. Smudged glasses.

2. What's the nature of today's hypochondria?
The occasional ringing in my left ear is caused by a rapidly growing brain tumor that will soon cut off all sound and sense. I also think the doctor gave me the wrong prescription for my eyeglasses, and as a result I will soon go blind.

3. What was today's workout?
A punishing session of wrassling "Baby Sunshine" into his diaper while he slapped at me with snot-encrusted fingers.

4. How do you do what you do and stay so sweet?
I have wallpapered my writing den with the flesh of darling little animals, such as bunnies.

5. What's that burning smell?
That's the neighbor down the block, Crazy L, who is putting into effect her brutal Scorched Earth policy. First she put up the No Trespassing signs. Next will be the chain link fence complete with slavering dogs. Soon, she will install gun turrets on the roof to take down anyone who accidentally strolls across her property line with the "double tap" to the forehead.

I like what this does for our property values.
6. If you were an animal, what kind would you be?
A hot buttered bivalve.

7. What are you drinking, and why?
The hot, bitter mead of insatiable sorrow and jealousy.

8. In what ways hast thou offended?
Instead of going to church last week, I waited in the shrubbery outside the church and threw pickles at the churchgoers. I do this every weekend.

9. What's the next big thing?
Spam filters made out of actual SPAM, designed to catch unwary tourists and people with unfortunate surnames like "Fagina" in their rubbery, pink coils.

10. Music selection?
Elbow: "Build a rocket, boys!"


cherie said...

Lol! I love it ;) Especially the pickle throwing church activity. And the SPAM. I'd make some witty remarks here, but they'd just wilt and die from the radiation needed for that tumor.

greenwoman said...

I think maybe you are my new (s)hero.

Anita said...

Your questions ROCK.

Oh, but you didn't answer why on number seven. Hmm.

And give me back my gallbladder! I did not sign any consent forms to allow it be sewn into a vest w/other LESSER zombie organs. Harumph.

LOL! Once again, I start my day with a smile because of you and your Madness! Thanks, pal. :)

David Kazzie said...

If I were Crazy L, I'd have a gun turret, too. After all, her neighbor has just blogged about wearing a brassiere made of gallbladders and using bunnies as wallpaper.

Your block parties must be awesome.

Jenny Phresh said...

You guys all make me laugh.
Anita, I totally stole your gallbladder. Let's just say you inspired me!

The Rake said...

If anyone hasn't watched that Elbow video, it's a must. I just love the technique of taping down the key so that that one, repeated note is the spine to the entire song. Those guys are absolutely brilliant.

Bethany C. said...

Holy. Sh*t.
That is funny.

This seems like the appropriate venue to share my maiden name with you. It is DYKMAN.

Go ahead...I know...

wosushi said...

This made me laugh. In that unattractive, choking on your own saliva, SHNARF, sort of way.

I particularly enjoyed your drink of choice.

And throwing pickles.

I wish I had started my day reading this. I am pretty sure this is going to make for some weird dreams.

Anita said...

OMSqueals! They really are brilliant! Why have I never seen this group??

Going to YouTube now to look for more songs. Wow. Thnx Mr. Rake. (And Jenny for your fantastic taste in music).

Oh, and Bethany... LOLOLOL! You are SO BRAVE! Heehee ;)

AVY said...

(s)hero was a new word for me, I like it.

/ Avy