Friday, August 26, 2011

Hate Mail From My Readers

July 12, 2011
Dear so-called "Party Pony,"
I am a small Shetland pony who gives rides to children at parties. Some of them are critically ill, and are missing limbs, eyes, noses, and important organs. In my service work as a Party Pony for these children, I consider myself a hero. Imagine my froth of indignation when I discovered you using MY name to spread your foul breed of goat worship and dirty language about Care Bears and other inoffensive creatures. Your post on "Poo Poo Snowballs" sickened me to my very hooves, and I was struck speechless by your story of "Poo-Splosion." Some of us cannot help but defecate in the vastness of nature, to our great shame. Must you speak of doo-doos in such an inane and disgusting manner? Please cease and desist all use of the "Party Pony" moniker immediately. You will be hearing from my attorney.
The Real Party Pony

Dear Party Pony,
How dare you lambaste all these food groups, you fucking nutcake? Eat yourself some Prozac and and stop giving apples and corn and other healthy foods a bad name. We are really pissed off and inclined to hurl ourselves at your head.
—The vegetables and fruits of southern Westchester, NY

Dear Ms. Prescott,
 I am a protector and lover of wild shopping carts, and I find your posts on them to be offensive in the extreme. While purporting to be a naturalist, you objectify and sexualize the behavior of the carts, while neglecting to mention their almost-human emotions and treatment of their young. You portray the carts as aggressive and savage; why, nothing could be further from the truth! Shopping carts are gentle and shy creatures. Do not stalk them any more, or you may find me at your door—and I won't be coming for tea and crumpets.
H. Hoogsworth Lillyfat

Date: 4/21/2008
We are going to fucking kill you.
—The Cones

Dear Party Pony,
You will be getting a turd for Christmas after this unkind post about My Workshop.
—Santa Claus

*I was completely offended by your rude comments pertaining to Craft Form apparel in this post. That store offers a valuable service for ladies who have had mastectomies. It is clear that you hate women, especially women who have had mastectomies. You must hate people with cancer. You also hate black people and all minorities. You are a terrible person. New Rochelle is a lovely town.
* Note: I really did get this piece of hate mail.

Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for posting these helpful etiquette tips for The Rapture. Because of you, many people behaved in a seemly fashion during My Most Holy Judgment, instead of running around like ill-mannered lunatics. Despite this, I have decided to smite you, because you are generally heathen and inappropriate and have been so since childhood.
The Lord God
P.S. God uses the "Times" font. I do not care for Arial. I despise Comic Sans still further. This is why it is not offered in the Blogger menu.

This post was inspired by E.B. Cummings post, It's Important to Apologize When You Offend Someone;  thanks to her, I now have a handy form to send to all these individuals! Rah, E.B.!


Anonymous said...

I will get you for what you said about minivans.
--minivan owner

Santa Claus said...

This Christmas will be no better. You will not get the Lego set you asked for.

All Minorities said...


Angela V. Cook said...

Oh my! LOL! Well, all your hate mail makes me feel better about OCCASIONALLY offending people. You offend people all the time! ;o)

Seriously though--regarding the real peice of hate mail--people have too much time on their hands (and not a very good sense of humor). Can you imagine living in THAT house? Blech!

Don't ever let comments like that stop you from doing what you do best!

Andrew Leon said...

I laughed. I cried. I cried some more.

cherie said...


*dies laughing

Marewolf said...

It's no fair that you get all this attention!

I wish someone would send ME hate mail.


(jealous of your ability to incite fear and hatred into the hearts of bloggers everywhere)

Anita Grace Howard said...

ROFL!!!!!!!!! Haha! My belly is so happy from laughing!!

P.S. Rochelle is a lovely town. I have a friend who lives there. Though she also seems to be missing a sense of humor. Coincidence?? I think not. Pony, you must report about the alien invasion in Rochelle, post haste!

Anonymous said...

*falls to floor laughing*

Bethany C. said...

I saw this coming.

traceyhansenwrites said...

I loved this post. I've gotten some great ones myself. I like them!

Catherine Stine said...

Bring on the wacky-hate mail. You know what Oscar Wilde said:
"There is only one thing worse than being talked about and that is NOT being talked about."

traceyhansenwrites said...

Oh and don't miss the #HumpDayChallenge today young lady!