I really believe that nothing says "I love you" like a beautiful diamond pendant from Kay Jewelers. That's why my husband is going to head right out to the nearest Kay Jewelers, write out a check for $99.99, and get me one of those pendants.
It's shaped like a heart, because hearts mean "love." And see the tiny diamonds embedded in it? Every one of those diamonds is like a precious teardrop of happiness for the years we have spent together, the sons I have borne, and the dishes we have each washed so that our beloved spouse did not have to suffer "dishpan hands."
Do you know how I know my husband plans to acquire this pendant for me on this very day--the day when lovers everywhere express their heartfelt love in the form of pendants that cost $99.99? When we were snuggled close the other night, watching American Idol and holding hands, a commercial came on for Kay Jewelers! And they showed this pendant! When I realized it cost $99.99, I hung my head, and two lonely tears fell from my eyes. Surely this lovely thing was much, much too dear. But then my husband turned to me and asked gently, "Do you want one of those, honey?"
"Oh, no," I cried, but surely he could see that I wanted one more than all the riches of the Earth. For what is more sweet and desirous than a Kay pendant? He gave a little smile that told me all I needed to know. The pendant would be mine, and soon. My lady friends would gnaw their own spleens with envy, and the pendant would bring me joys unknown to pathetic, single women who cannot afford $99.99 and would be too shamed to be seen shopping for their own jewelry prior to a National Holiday like Valentine's Day.
I expect my pendant to arrive shortly. I hope it comes in one of those Kay boxes, and that a single red rose is placed beside it when my beloved husband hands it over. Then he might say something like "Every kiss begins with Kay." And then kiss me! I [heart] Valentine's day sooooo much!
Then, when I give birth in the spring, I await this lovely piece. Because nothing makes 14 1/2 grueling hours of labor more tolerable than knowing that, at the end of it all, this tasteful necklace will be dangling between my engorged, painful breasts as I nod sleeplessly over a squalling infant.