Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fatso, Silly Bits, and Sneakypants told me to write this

I would like to share the draft of Chapter #5 in my new etiquette and self-help book, tentatively titled "Stop Buttering My Crumpet For Me, You Asshole."

Chapter 5: Thou Shalt Giveth Amusing Nicknames to People

There is nothing that people love more than being given a cute nickname. It means that they are "in the club." So go out of your way to bestow nicknames on everyone you meet. It will give them a charming touch that they would not have achieved in their current state of hiding in their attic. Imagine if someone had nicknamed God "Fatso," Jesus "Silly Bits," and the Virgin Mary "Sneakypants." These guys would have been totally popular. They do like the nicknames that I gave them, and for my witticisms I have received a goat, a ram (neutered), and a pie.

Here are my super-nice and therefore famous-making nicknames for some folks I have encountered in my gym, workplace, church (I don't attend church so this a lie, but I will explain in Chapter 7, Why Lies Are Nice), grocery store, and temple (I am not Jewish but I will explain in Chapter 12, How Faking Various Religious Affiliations Can Get One Free Sweets). The names:

Sally Piddlepants
She Who Chews Soup
The Oompa-Loompa
Droopy Dawg
The Mushroom
That Miserable Wretch
The Tanned Lizard
Reptilicus Vaginicus
Me, Me, Me!
Snackus Adorous
Johnny Laid-a-Turd
The Eggy-Eyed Robotic Humanic Impersonation (EERHI!)
That Child Molester
Breath of Doom
Punkin Head

All these people were boring and bad before I gave them super-duper nicknames. Now they are better than bad! Their miserable fuckness-ess has been transmogrified into perfectitude. I want to write about each and every one of 'em. But I can't. I have had two martinis. Tomorrow, Johnny Laid-a-Turd and She Who Chews Soup, I will tell of the beautiful moments that gave you your beautiful names.


Anonymous said...

I am crying with laughter

genecawley said...

I'm assuming the one simply called "Fat" must have one hell of a personality.

This is brilliant, Jenny Phresh. I gotta start doing this as a coping mechanism.