The Great Shopping Cart Massacre

I used to spend a fair amount of my time stalking shopping carts and photographing them. (I intended to say 100 percent of my time, but that sounded weird so I edited it.)

Winner of "Best in Show" at the International Shopping Cart Exposition, 2011. (Domesticated.)

Why did the carts fascinate me? For one, they are sly. They are quick. They can be quite savage, and can attack without warning. Yet they are also lovely, wild creatures, often filled with candy wrappers and empty bottles of Night Train Express.

The afterlife for me looks like...a shopping cart?

And they migrate! Once a single shopping cart infiltrates a neighborhood, you can be sure that more will follow, as if drawn by the scent of their kind. And as for their reproductive capacity—well, shopping carts will try to mate with almost anything, such as the door of your brand-new car. Basically, they are used to snuggling together in close proximity and, like a sausage and a bagel, fit together like magic. Traditional shopping carts are the randiest of the food and goods transportation mechanisms, unlike the "Four Wheel Deluxe Rolling Thingy," below, which hasn't even bumped wheels with another cart-like entity for at least a year. Sad.

But my scientific interests took a turn a while back, and I took a break to pursue some other topics. My recent scholarly publications include:

Chlorinated Pools: How Come There Is No Plant Life? (The Journal of Well-Funded Yet Incredibly Pointless Studies, 2013)

Wallpaper Moves So Slowly Because It Doesn't Want to be Caught So it Can Kill You in Your Sleep (Reader's Digest Large-Print Editions, 2014)

Goodbye, Doo Doo. Where You Goin' Now? Can I Come, Too? (To be published by The Golden Box for Young Readers, 2016) *Reviewers may request ARCs by writing to me in the comments section of this blog.

Anyway! All of these ventures were deeply boring for one reason or another. Except for the children's book, which was not boring at all but still gives me the shakes and the willies. Have you ever been inside a sewer? All in the name of authentic research, but it's not very nice.

And then today I came across this horror—a multitude of shopping carts, dead in a ditch! Had they flung themselves to their doom because people had been buying too many heavy objects, like pumpkins (out of season) and Big Fat Loaves of Bread and Bacon Bricks? (Note: I purchased a Bacon Brick at De Ciccos on Halstead Avenue last week but no carts were harmed during the event. Bacon Bricks should be the subject of another post. What, you've never bought a bacon brick?!)

The humanity!

What led to this massacre? Please, shield your children's eyes, because these photos are disturbing.

Gravely injured; no hope for recovery. 

I can't even bear to look. Heartbreaking.

Going to kill self now.

Ahhh...glglggjjfjfjjk. Choking on tears.

What led to this horrible event? Was it because I ABANDONED the shopping carts for "more interesting" pursuits?

But no, we must not blame ourselves. In fact, I think this is clearly the work of the notorious Pimples Tuscadero, disgruntled "Stop 'n' Shop" bagger, age 22. Vengeance shall be mine. Oh yes, it shall.

You have not died in vain, my beauties. I will chronicle your majesty once again. Just as soon as I finish my work on Basement Crickets of the 21st Century.

You might also like:

http://thepartypony.blogspot.com/2008/08/nature-red-in-tooth-and-handlebar.html

And a whole lotta my older posts, too. Get to it. Life is short, and awfully sweet.

Brenda the Stubby-Legged Bride

So a while back on The Loop, I got a lot of flak for dissing New Ro shopping with cruel barbs and rude photographs. Just to show that I'm an equal opportunity kind of girl, I hereby present Brenda the Stubby-Legged Bride, discovered just this morning in the window of Larchmont Floral Designs on Chatsworth Avenue.

Her icy stare belies her quaking—and very stubby—legs beneath that flowing white skirt. Actually, maybe she has no legs whatsoever and is planning to trundle herself up the aisle on a rolling cart! What lies beneath the skirt? 'Tis a mystery that only her beloved husband will discover as he lifts the skirt ever so gently skyward...and Brenda giggles shyly.

Her left hip appears to be dislocated, but because this is Larchmont and not New Ro it most certainly is the result of a fall rather than an abusive incident at the hands of her fiancé.

[Disclaimer: I bear no ill-will toward stubby-legged, legless, leg-impaired, leg-challenged, and multi-legged peoples of any race or nationality.]



Right next door at K-9, the groomsmen are leashed and ready to attack anyone who dares to interrupt the ceremony. The guy on the right wears dark glasses because the bachelor party went really, really late. His hangover is so fierce that he's a-gonna bite cha!



Also sighted in the window of the Citibank on Palmer Avenue: This misplaced pink lovey, desperately beating itself against the glass in an effort to return to its small and grieving owner. Note the panic in its eyes! Trapped like a rat, it can only hope that someone will release it to run wild and free yet again. Many patrons of the bank turned aside for fear of getting mauled by the creature, and rushed to deposit their money elsewhere.

More to come, oh brave citizens of Larchmont.

I Found a Bargain in SoNo New Ro!

Shopping is booming in downtown New Ro. Merchants and environmentally-minded citizens are now calling the trendy area South of North Avenue "SoNo New Ro," and the hip and fab offerings are plentiful. (What does this make the area North of North Avenue--NoNo New Ro...??) On a recent excursion to the area, I discovered just what a few bucks will buy in the SoNo stores. Get there now before the prices skyrocket!

On Main Street's New Elegant Beauty Supply, you can get a hair product made with collagen and placenta. Yes, that's right, placenta! And for a few dollars more, some fresh baby to go with that—works fabulous on brittle split ends.

At the same store, we found Doo Gro. I don't know about you, but I don't know if I want my "doo" to grow. This product made me nervous, but what could go wrong? Doo Grow BIG! Plumber!

Just down the street at Craftform Intimate Apparel/Anatomical Supports (all under one awning!) this lovely lounge outfit was featured. This lady is coming off a seven-day crack bender complete with gang-bang, and she still looks fresh and ready for her first morning shot of gin. Her wrist is broken because she walked into a door, and it's really none of your business, sister.

And across the street at Smart Dollar, bargains abound. I found this great Medical Kit for the kiddies. It includes two weird egg-shaped bedpans, some cutting tools, a tiny scale for weighing organs, and crazy-eyes Yuyitsu, the maniacal doctor. She's so sad about it, but she need to sedate you with tiny green pill bottles.

Also at Smart Dollar: a fetching latex swim cap, the label on which reminds me of a film noir promo. "As Chubby Thighs Magee drowns in Black Lake, her twin sister looks on in horror." Also protects against STDs.

For those inclined to fashion, try Madrag, also on Main Street. There you can find this eye-popping, fruit-flavored outfit. And tons more slutty choices inside. Just like the silver mannequin's stance, it shouts "You wanna piece of this?"

At Alicia's Bakery, also on Main Street, you can get a yummy-looking cake with your child's photo embedded in it. Except that it somehow looks like the child got baked into the cake. And isn't happy about it. And the cake is for a funeral party, not a birthday. Oh, well!

And what of poor NoNo New Ro? What do they have to offer? Well, for one, this creepy discarded item, lying in the shrubbery. It consisted of a pair of undies duct-taped to a pair of socks duct-taped to a plastic bag duct-taped to...who knows. Basically, it looked like something someone had doused in oil and used as a flaming brand. That's HOT! Love the neighborhood!