Saturday, February 4, 2012

Subliminal Messages Behind Common Valentine's Day Gifts

Today this blog is lucky enough to welcome renowned psychiatrist Dr. Q. P. Turnipseed, an expert in human behavior and motivation whose various works include Why You Can't Stop Piddling in Your Shorts, Hey Fatass! and Who Moved My Oysters? Welcome, Dr. Turnipseed!

Dr. Q.P. Turnipseed. Photo credit: James Turnipseed, Jr.
With Valentine's Day fast approaching, Dr. Turnipseed has taken some time to evaluate the secret meanings behind some of the gifts you might give and receive on this "most romantic of days." What she reveals may shock you.

"The giver of this gift has recently been kicked in the nads, and also stopped taking his
Prozac approximately 2.5 weeks ago. He blames you completely but can only say so with chocolates."

"This stuffed animal contains within it many layers of meaning. It also contains a small videocamera."

"He who gives a pile of stuffed canine nethers to you for Valentine's Day pretty much wants to
have an orgy with you and your sorority sisters."

"The person who gave you this stuffed dog plans to tattoo your name on his face. He wants to kill you."

"The boyfriend who gave this gift feels inadequate. He knows that his girlfriend would rather be caressed by a gorilla who sings and dances to its own rendition of 'Bad to the Bone' than ever look at him again. You can help the situation by referring to him as your 'dream lover gorilla' so incessantly, and in a tone so babyish and high-pitched, that next year he gives you the dog pictured above."

"The person who gave this really wants to be kissed, but decided to express his/her feelings through the use of an animatronic heart that will give the recipient a fatal heart attack when it starts inching, inching slowly through the boudoir at 1:00 a.m. This gift is a mistake. It is always wise to express one's feelings openly, not through the use of cursed, goggle-eyed objects. Note the spatulate paws, which suggest an inability to grapple with deep emotions."

"The person who gave you this gift wants to imprison you in his basement in that special room that was built outside of code in 1972. Run and call 9-1-1! Seriously, there are some really weird freaks out there and THIS ISN'T NORMAL."

"If given by a man, this gift usually suggests that he is cheating on you at this very moment with that waitress down at Mo's, and hopes that Mr. Romance will buy him enough time by enthralling you with witty sayings such as, 'Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.'

If given by your best female pal, she's really sorry that she insulted you with this gift but she thought you needed a talking doll since you're so lonely and all and kind of have become antisocial since your long-time lover Bob left.
Plus, it could double as a dildo! I didn't say that. You thought it. I know this since I have written a lot of books on human psychology."

"The giver of this gift is eager to please in many ways. Rowwwff! If you were given the white dog in the background, it probably means that you are coming up short in some manner. Step up your game to satisfy your lady."

"The suggestion here is that your love has left the giver bereft and penis-less.  He or she will soon expire."


Sam S. from NH said...

Good God, it's as if she read my mind! But two sets of plastic pink handcuffs for three dollah is one helluva bargain. Only you, Goat Girl Supreme, could turn a simple stroll down the aisle at CVS into a deeply demented look at what is so terribly wrong with our human condition. So, if furry anthropomorphic dildos and plastic cuffs are off the table, perhaps the sainted Dr. Turnipseed would like to weigh in on something that might almost fit the bill come Feb. 14th? Not for me, mind you--I usually spend that day drunk in a church somewhere, singing "You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby."

cherie said...


Dr. Turnipseed has the best perm ever. And the most logical advice/s. I think I'm going to have nightmares about the googly-eyed heart with the grappling arms, and Mr. Romance, of course.

*dies laughing

Anonymous said...

MERCIFUL HEAVENS please don't let me get the stuffed tattoo dog. PLEASE. Those handcuffs are a DEAL, though.

Catherine Stine said...

Love Mr. Romance! What kind of freak would buy him though, seriously!? And now, I suspect I have spatulate paws. I must pay a visit to my good Herr Doctor.

J. Lea Lopez said...

"It could double as a dildo!" hahahaha that was the best one.

You never cease to amuse and amaze me :-)

Jenny Phresh said...

@J. Lea, I am so sorry I had to say it out loud. This is my role in life. Such is my burden!
Thanks for the RT!

Jenny Phresh said...

@ Sam S from NH, I always like a nice duck stuffed inside a turkey stuffed inside a hog for almost any occasion. The Turduckapig!

@ Cherie, Dr. Turnipseed curls her own hair! I can send you her fashion secrets.

@ Tori, you are not the only one to covet those handcuffs. Everyone thinks they are a steal!

@Catherine, your paws could never be spatulate. Never. How would you write such lovely prose?

one woman in Vermont said...

I too want the Luv Cuffs!

Bethany C. said...

I need that gorilla.
I WANT that gorilla.

Jenny Phresh said...

@Bethany, aw crap, now I might have to BUY it for you. Does Dr. Turnipseed approve? Why yes, she does.

Anita Grace Howard said...

Bwah-ha-ha! I pity the fool that got Mr. R for Valentines day!