Saturday, March 19, 2011

Supermoon™!

I was a little worried about  Supermoon™, the extra large and fatty moon now hanging in the sky and staring at me with it blazing, Cyclopean eye. Would it be malevolent? Beneficient? Would it pull the spittle from my body, remorselessly, with its frightening gravitational pull? Would it perhaps pull the fur off cats and the feathers off chickens? Would it cause madness?

Supermoon™ eats a small city.

Although I thought about flinging the curtains aside in Youngest Son's room while he slumbered, revealing Supermoon™, I did not. I expected him to scream and shield his poor eyes from the thing. "It's a grotesque orb of omnipotent light!" he would have cried, in his babyish slur. "I say NO. Go 'way!"

To my immense pleasure, Supermoon™ has proven to be an aid in needful times. As soon as it rose with its megalomaniacal glow, it quickly tore the back of our house off, reduced it to rubble, and replaced it with a brand new kitchen. It chose Corian ® countertops and a really nice Wolf gas stove.

"Thanks, Supermoon™!" I cried, with happy heart, but it was not done. I noted that it had captivated the several teenagers whom, late last night, had attempted a "ding, dong, ditch" maneuver on our elderly neighbor. They were walking toward the sea, completely in the sway of Supermoon™, and will soon be swimming vainly toward distant Long Island. Ah, Supermoon™, ye are powerful.

Supermoon™ also has a habit of tearing up sidewalks and uprooting trees, which is rather naughty. But Supermoon™ cannot be blamed, for it has been 18 long years since it asserted such power. Supermoon™has been making a lot of political connections during that dormant period and is now ready to overtake the world. It will start by getting larger, larger, and larger and then eating your grandmother and all her china and underthings!

Supermoon™, I want you to know that I am thankful for my new kitchen and I did not slander you, even during the times when you were but a wee sliver. Please do not eat me. I think you are very grand and bright. You make me want to use ALL CAPS. youcause miusspellings and typofoggragfical eorors. Supermoon™, come back in 18 more years and I shall cook you a dinner on my fine new gas stove! By then, the sidewalk will have been repaired and I will most certainly need you to deliver a new Sub-Zero refrigerator.

8 comments:

Jack Silbert said...

Dangnabit. I read the interweb artcles too quickly today and have spent the last few hours starting at my soup spoon.

Sam Southworth said...

Supermoon seems to have begot a Superpony as well! I half expected ye to break into that little song "Luna, the moon-a, I hope I see you soon-a..." as of old. And it didn't turn you into a werepony as you had sort of expected!
But for the moon (or any spacial object) to tear the ass-end off your house might be a little stretch!
Great little lyrical blog entry! You always explain stuff to us that we didn't even know we was wondering about--thanks!

Jenny Phresh said...

Jack, did the dish run away with said spoon?

Anita said...

Gads, but I envy your new kitchen and appliances! The wretched supermoon used his maniacal wrecking prowess to shake our nine year old water heater to his rusted iron knees. And now we're left with cold showers and teensy winkies.

No, ye old moon has not been generous to me and my lot, so fie on him, I say. Fie on him and his ungrateful favoritism.

Or is it nepotism? You aren't in fact kin to him in some way, are you? A mooney-eyed child. I always suspected you were one of those mooney-eyed types. Hmmm. Suddenly, it all makes sense.

Jenny Phresh said...

I do tend to wander about and gaze at the moon with wide, vacant eyes! Sadly, my new kitchen is but a fantasy. I still have the Nu Econo Brik siding above the cabinets. It is really spelled that way. I found the box in the basement.

Robert Lettrick said...

Supermoon! Up, up and away!
Thanks for the comment on my blog! I dig your writing.

Jenny Phresh said...

Thank you, Robert! I hope to have your book in my hands soon! I like your snarling wolf icon. I think he has been affected by Supermoon, too?

Anonymous said...

Supermoon in Princeton was like a man with a one-inch penis on viagra. Meh. So I'm jealous that you got a new kitchen out of it. I tossed and turned feverishly all night in lunar frustration. xo Liz