A Bushmaster AR-15 Assault Rifle in Every Lunchbox, a Sig Sauer M400 in Every Pot

In the face of scalding criticism for their proposal to install an armed gunman at every school in America, the NRA today finally caved to pressure and announced their next initiative: "A Bushmaster AR-15 Assault Rifle in Every Lunchbox, a Sig Sauer M400 in Every Pot."

Blammo! You is dead!

"Kids just love guns!" said Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association (NRA). "So why not arm the bloodthirsty little savages and let them defend themselves, by God, against...other people who have turned out to be bloodthirsty savages."

"So true," concurred Sadie Dewgrit, mother of five near a town where numerous school shootings have taken place. "If my lil' monkeys had been packing heat at those schools, the gunmen would've be deader 'en a doornail. My kids are a fine shot with them Nerf pistols 'en shit, and they'd do even better with real guns."

"We can buy 'em at the local Walmart and it's real easy," added Dewgrit. "My kids keep asking and I say, 'Yore birthday is coming up, don't be a greedy little thing!'"

The initiative proposes that, by Kindergarten, children will be taught to assemble, oil, and load an AK-47 and take down some poor motherfucking deer with gimpy legs. This will prep them, claims the NRA, for a future in on-site law enforcement during "Circle Time" and "Snack Break."

Common Core State Standards will be re-aligned to included the following strands: Lock and Load 101, Grooming Your Gun Collection for Maximum Shininess and Death-Dealing Power, and The Coming Apocalypse of Rabid Animals, Zombie Mutants, and Government Operatives.

Teachers, also, will be able to order their own guns along with other school supplies such as pencils, paper, and crayons. Teachers are often forced to spend their own dollars on supplies for the classroom, and the guns will be no exception; however, the NRA will give any teacher who purchases a gun and fills out a rebate form a special "smiley face" sticker with the NRA logo.

Guns Are Not Toys

"Children need to understand at a very young age," said LaPierre, "that guns are not toys. Guns are real! And we want to put them in the hands of children so that they understand that. It's all about education."

The NRA has faced much backlash in recent weeks for their "misguided" and "clown-assed" response to the tragic events in Newtown, CT, during which 28 people died including the gunman and his mother. Their "A Bushmaster AR-15 Assault Rifle in Every Lunchbox, a Sig Sauer M400 in Every Pot" proposal is intended to mitigate the unpleasant response from people with a modicum of reason and to ensure a safe, viable solution to the problem of gun violence.

"As we have all said about 9, 895,789 times, guns do not kill people," said LaPierre. "But little children armed with guns? They'll kill people, all right! Have you ever tried to slow a child down or put one in a time out? Naw, they get really excited. They're not gonna stop shooting until all the bad guys are dead! Especially when you give them a lotta sugar."

Having every single child in a school armed would prevent any instance in which an armed guard were, for example, visiting the restroom during a violent attack.

"It's like backup times 22," said LaPierre. "Except for the schools that have to teach like 40-plus kids per class because they have no resources. Whoo-ee, that's better!"

Guns for You, Too

The second half of the initiative proposes that every household be required to own at least one gun.

"Mah wife's cookin' a pot a stew," said Bub Keewak, a gun owner. "Say some bad guy comes to the door. I like to know that when she is occupied, the children can go grab the guns to defend our home against the government. Because the government is clearly made up of zombie mutants born in foreign soils."

Guns, say the NRA, should be left unlocked for easy access.

"It's kinda like a girl's dress in high school," said Jesse Goons, NRA member. "If you gotta fumble with all sorts of clips you're gonna miss your objective. Get in, get 'er primed, shoot that sucker!"

Debbie Goons, 28, concurred while trying to nurse an infant and balance a Sig Sauer M400 on her lap so she could caress it and oil it.

Walmart, which also sells things like baby formula, dolls, and diapers, is offering a special coupon on their Colt LE 6920 rifle, which will blow a squirrel and its entire family of 485 squirrel-lings off your trees in the space it takes to say "motherfuckin' squirrels." If you want to give the squirrels a chance, you can also  purchase Walmart's "Lil' Boy Scout Slingshot" (not on sale).

The NRA suggests that families buy their guns now, even stocking up for next Christmas.

"If our initiative gains hold, every kids in America is gonna be wanting that shiny new gun come Christmas morning. The government is coming to clear the shelves. Stock up! Stock up!" said LaPierre. "Do you want your child to be the only child on the block without a gun when 'Billy Lardass' the local bully comes sauntering up with his new Smith & Wesson 811030?"

We asked: What if one of the children decided to "go naughty" and use his or her gun as a "Bad Guy"?

"Well," said LaPierre. "The other lil' mites would just have to take that fucker down. That's what guns are made for."

I Am Currently Being Murdered With Nerf Guns, By Mine Own Formerly Dutiful and Good Children

I write this from a small closet on the third floor of my home. My boys have gone feral, and are seeking me. My food supplies are running out and it is cold, terribly cold.

It started innocently, when they were given Nerf N-Strike weapons for Christmas by their doting Grandmother. Yes, even the 2-year-old, dear sweet angel that he is...was. At first, they made a merry game of chasing one another around the house, and pinging their brothers on the buttocks with darts. Jolly laughter accompanied these games. Such delights were rarely seen about the fireside, as boys gurgled down hot chocolate and donned their winter garb for snowy adventures.

But all was to turn.

After a few days trapped indoors, with little to no formal schooling, their innate savagery asserted itself in sudden and ugly ways. The stuffed animal herd was cruelly culled, with many animals eviscerated and dangling from lampshades, their intestines strewn about my formerly tidy living room like spaghetti. Lego structures, once revered, were destroyed with the whoomp! of a mighty fist. Beloved books were found with the spines gnawed out, and little Thomas the Tank Engine trains showed up floating in the potty—their formerly bulbous eyes now in that traditional x x state of the deceased. When questioned, the boys gave rude and sullen stares and refused to confess. We threatened them with Time Outs, but they laughed merrily.

"What matter to put us in a chair?" shouted the elder. "What can it harm us, for it is not beatings on the buttocks, or other direful things. It is merely being seated in a chair!"

"Ho, ho!" carolled the other two, evilly.

My late husband turned to me then and said "We are done for, indeed."

The elder boy began to carry his N-Strike weapon everywhere with him. Like dutiful little ducklings, the younger two followed his lead. Such is the way when children are indoctrinated into the military. Soon they were all marching in single file, their expressionless features cracking only when they asked for "Juice in cup with lid on please!" or "Animal scrackers! Now please!" or other horrible things.

Mealtimes became frightening, dire affairs. Screams and guttural grunts were heard, and booglets of strange shape and proportion flew out of the boys' noses as they attempted to eat their meals while singing their cruel, militaristic songs about poop and suchlike. It was like eating with animals, my friends, and I feared for our very lives. Sometimes I saw the sheen of yellow plastic glinting under the chairs, as they cradled their Nerf N-Strike weapons. Dear Grandmother, what hast thou wrought?

It is all too late to ponder that. They come now, with their little rubber bullets of doom. I can hear their maniacal sniggers as they start up the stairs. It is over for me now. Bar your doors, for they are loosed upon the world, until Monday when they must once again commence school!