The April Fool's Day Prank I Pulled on My Mom

My mom has a habit of collecting newspaper clippings about awful tragedies and worrisome things that her children need to know about, putting them in envelopes, and mailing them off to us. 

Over the years I have gotten clippings that pretty much tell me I am going to DIE at any moment because the world is full of dangers. And clippings about bed bugs. My mom may have a specific fear of bed bugs. (One time, in fact, one of her bed bug clippings randomly wound up in a box of clothing that we were trying to sell at a tag sale in our yard. Most unfortunate! Nothing sold, and we could not understand why.)

Anyway, when it came to April Fool's Day I realized that the best person to prank was my own mother. (There will be more blog entries about the pranks I have pulled on my mother, because this is rich fodder indeed.) I decided to prank her with an email, even though she doesn't read email (my dad does, and he prints them out and hands them to her). So I thought, how about a [blank] of-the-month club? What would really give my mother a good laugh, once she figured out the prank? Ideas included:

Bag of Organic Matter and Compost of-the-Month Club
Something Dug Up at an Archaeological Site of-the-Month Club
Things That End in "Ork" of-the-Month Club (January: A Spork! February: Pork!)
Exotic Meat Nugget of-the-Month Club

But my brilliant sister came up with the perfect scheme. Bad News of-the-Month Club! (aka Clippings-of-the-Month Club, for more sneakiness). 

NEWS FLASH: I just got an email signed from my mother stating that she "does not wish to receive this service. Please remove me from your list." Maybe the Bag of Organic Matter of-the-Month Club would have been more favorably received?

Here it is:

Dear ______,

All sorts of need-to-know news is generated every single day, and some of it can be quite alarming: Articles about foreign bug infestations, infectious diseases, political plots, malfunctioning children's toys, cars that suddenly accelerate without warning, and so much more. But it's impossible to keep up with all the absolutely crucial stories that YOU really can't miss.

That's why we created Clippings-of-the-Month Club! Our dedicated team of editors works tirelessly each month to comb media sources, local and worldwide, to bring you the stories that you need. We inform. We educate. We help keep you safe and alert to what's going on in YOUR world.

And thanks to a special gift from Anonymous, you've been signed up for a full year of Clippings-of-the-Month Club absolutely free!

Each month, you'll receive a fresh bag of newspaper clippings delivered right to your door. You'll find stories that amaze, educate, and startle you. We guarantee that you'll want to share these headlines with everyone you know, especially your loved ones. It's truly "can't-miss" news. Here are just a few examples of the kind of news you're going to get every single month:

Please tell a friend about Clippings-of-the-Month Club. We hope you enjoy your year of astounding, amazing, and hair-raising news stories.

Best,

Juniper Crane

Clippings-of-the-Month Club Co-Founder

Winged Green Winkies

This New Year's Eve I was reminded of the following incident by a friend, as the man in question in the story celebrates his naissance on December 31. In his honor I tell the tale once again.

Every word of the story is true. As far as I can remember it, that is.

During sophomore year in college, my dear friend and quadmate (let's call her Luscious) was dating a young man (let's call him Johnny) with a peculiar physical quirk. Evidently, his manly member bent at an acute right angle, such that he had some difficulty inserting it into tight spaces without some desperate acrobatics. He was also a bit of a religious zealot. During one of their early groping incidents, Johnny reportedly placed his hands together in prayer, gazed up at the sky, and said aloud: "Lord, please forgive me for what I am about to do."

Poor Luscious! She was distraught. Johnny then proceeded to try to defy the laws of physics and defile dear Luscious with his strangely-shaped apparatus.

Time went on and Luscious moved on in her love life, leaving Johnny behind. She still mooned after him, but her quadmates had always found him a bit odd and even deeply unpleasant, so we told her to forget about it. He had these googly, swollen eyes, you see. And he was also a bit fat. And the begging God for forgiveness after every "touching" session was tiresome, and made Luscious gnaw her nails with anxiety that she was causing the fellow to think that he would burn in hell, which wasn't as bad as actually burning in hell but....

One day, my fellow quadmate (let's call her Shanona) and I decided that, for fun, we would decorate the walls of Luscious' room with large, winged, green penii. Except we did it sneaky-like. We decided to draw the green penii UNDER every one of Luscious' gorgeous art posters, and then replace the posters as if nothing evil had ever transpired!

Many of the creatures had googly eyes and maniacal expressions. One, in particular, was bent at an acute 90 degree right angle and had a speech bubble coming out of its mouth that read: "Allo! I am J.Z." (Johnny's initials.)

Many weeks passed and Luscious had no idea about the green fleshly evil that waited behind her posters while she slept. But she, like many of her college chums, used that Blu-Tack substance to secure her art to the wall. It can give way at any moment! And, it did.

One night Luscious got uncharacteristically tipsy, and brought home none other than Johnny Z. from a fraternity party. "Let's give this another whirl!" she thought hopefully. She had been dreaming of the fellow for quite a while, after all. They were just getting romantic in her room when the very poster that covered the winged weenie with the bent member was revealed, with a ominous "fhoop!" sound.

Johnny looked up at it and said: "Dear Lord. That's me."

He left the area with alacrity.