50 Things That Make Me Happy

December, January, and February are very terrible months. I thought that writing this list might help.

50 Things That Make Me Happy

1. Throwing a baseball with my sons, the afternoon sun blinding me for a moment
2. Shoveling snow, pushing the planes of whiteness ahead of me like surf
3. Finding a hidden pane of winter ice in a wheelbarrow and pressing it with my hand until it cracks and the cold water floods out onto the surface
4. Snipping scallions
5. The accidental tangle of my five-year-old's hand in my hair and his gentle efforts to pull it free
6. Writing a paragraph that I never saw coming
7. Writing an entire book that I never saw coming, either
8. Birds wheeling in symphony over the buildings
9. Early crocuses, confused by temperature changes but startled up alive nonetheless
10. I have recently noted that my Christmas lights, still hung, look rather like droopy breasts

11. The scent of lavender
12. Thinking of packing for summer camp. Which happens in July.
13. My child threw a gobbet of bubbles at me from his bath and it stuck in my eyebrow.
14. That same child needed help with his undies because his skin was "sticky."
15. He also said he had to "port-a-potty" his troops ("fortify") during a game of Risk.
16. There is a small leaf-shaped birthmark on my right calf; it is something constant and unchanging. How many times have I changed over, like water, and still that birthmark remains?
17. Green olives with pimentos inside them
18. The same olives inside a chilled martini
19. The taste of a grapefruit, cut into slices

20. Kneesocks that don't fall down
21. The softest blanket in the world ( I OWN it!)
22. A fresh shipment of The Hundred to my doorstep, to be sold and given as gifts
23. The cashiers at the Larchmont Trader Joe's, ever cheerful
24. Capture the Flag with my boys, the territories Upstairs and Downstairs in the house. Front and back stairs neutral ground. High stakes!
25. Very, very small turtles—especially peevish ones!

26. Uni, especially at Hajime in Harrison, NY
27. The Hundred: Book Two (Working title: The Vision and the Clock). Every word I write is a surprise to me.
28. Playing "Karma Police" on the antique Chickering Baby Grand piano. And then playing "Gavotte." And then maybe "Minuet in G" followed by "Jet Plane."
29. Extreme weather events. Provided no one gets hurt.
30. Hot showers in my 54-degree FREEZING FUCKING COLD SIEVE of a house
31. This. Note the date, people. JANUARY.
32. I'm having a hard time getting to 50 things on my list. Did I mention that it was January, and people generally just keel over and die with despair during this most awful of months? Okay...thinking hard...how about lemons? They are fine. And they are yellow. They smell nice. Fuckeroo. I am getting desperate.
33. This morning's poo was well-formed and attractive. (It was not my poo, it was my son's. But I was pleased to find it floating in the toilet exhibiting gleaming evidence of good health on its pelt.)
34. I only hyperventilate in certain places. I totally stop hyperventilating as soon as I go to the Caribbean.
35. When I went to make my tea this morning the teabag stayed intact.
36. Cheese is nice.

37. Somewhere in this world, a child may be having a birthday party right now. With ponies! And atop the ponies are clowns. But I dislike clowns. Now I am having a panic attack. This 50 Things list sucks.
38. I have two kneecaps.
39. I have never been to Abu Ghraib.
40. My middle name is not "Marmaduke," "Ton-o-Lovin'," or "Pol Pot."
41. I don't own anything that poos on the ground. Mwa-ha, poo scoopers!
42. The mosquitos are all absent. But there are crickets in my basement during the winter! Bad bad bad.
43. I didn't accidentally hammer any nails into my duodenum today.
44. Butter atop a slab of lobster
45. I did not name any of my children "Oofhy," "Unmentionable," or "Tudleriffic." Including middle names.
46. Tiny....turtles? No, I already mentioned them, the lil' fuckers. How about tiny OWLS! No bigger than a thumbprint. Or tiny cattle? Bonsai cattle? Or tiny goats!

47. I have not started any fires nor burnt myself on an errant grilled cheese sandwich today.
48. Beans cause gas.
49. Little shirts and suits for tiny turtles. Sewn by arctic maidens wearing lovely wool sweaters and playing zithers.
50. I am still alive. I am waiting for the thaw, and I will never, ever give up.

The Curious Case of the Nutball Who Wrote on Our Ivory Piano Keys With Blue Marker

Normally, one has to keep an eye on kids with markers. When an adult is seen with a marker in hand, it's usually not a sign for alarm. This used to be the case, anyway.

A few weeks back my kindergartner had a playdate with a classmate from school. Because it was their first "date," the mom decided to stay for a while. I was working from home so I made polite chit-chat for a few minutes and then excused myself. Our nanny stayed below to get the kids some snacks, while the mom--who happens to be a piano teacher--played a few sprightly tunes on the 1910 Chickering piano that is a family heirloom of my husband. I worked upstairs happily while she played.

The next evening, my husband sat in the near-darkness, idly tickling the keys. Suddenly he gave a hideous roar of outrage. I ran in to see what was the matter. On about 12 of the piano keys, the notes (C, D, G, etc.) had been penned in bright blue marker. In a vintage music book of Christmas songs, the same blue marker had been applied. The notes were written very carefully, clearly by an adult hand.

We managed to get the marks off with some assiduous rubbing and pure, old-fashioned spittle. But I sent the following note to the mom:

"I don't know if you were aware of this yesterday, but someone actually wrote in blue marker on the ivory keys of our antique piano during our playdate. There were also notes written in the old music book we had on the top of the piano, in the same marker. (I assume this happened while I was upstairs working.) We are trying to get the marks off but worried about damaging the keys, since the marker used seems to be leaving a tint/stain behind....
We're not very happy about this so just wondering how it might have happened. This piano has been in our family for years.
Thanks for any insight."

I thought this was an awfully restrained note.

And she wrote back:

"I am so sorry. The best way to clean the ivory keys is:
Vinegar
I don't know how old this piano actually is, but if it is 50 or more years old, I am pretty sure that the keys are ivory, and ivory tends to yellow over age. DO NOT use chemical cleaners on the keys if they are ivory. The best thing to use for cleaning piano keys is a solution of vinegar and water. Ivory keys used to be the norm.

I can do this for you if you want. Also ivory is like "teeth" and many people use white toothpaste as well. Do not use water."

How about SPIT? I wanted to ask. And, if one is so knowledgeable about ivory keys, why would one choose BLUE MAGIC MARKER as a writing tool? Would you go to someone's house and write on their wall? What type of pen would you use? I, for one, would choose BLUE MAGIC MARKER.

A little while later, this email arrived:

" My friend a piano technician at the Steinway piano store also told me that rubbing alcohol mixed with water on a cloth is a sollution they use for their Steinways."

This was very helpful. I have learned a lot about caring for ivory keys through this process, and I hope you have learned a great deal as well. Remember, no water!

As for the book, I fear that none of these methods will make an impact. But at least I'll know what keys I'm playing when I launch into "Jingle Bells"!

A second playdate has not yet been arranged. When it is, I will be packing several Sharpies.