Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I Have Had All These Weird Thoughts

1. When I was little, I used to run after flushing the toilet, because I thought if I didn't make it back to my bed in time before the water stopped running, something was going to "git me." Heart pounding, I always made it into bed just in time, so I never found out what that something was.
2. A while back I became convinced that I had an asymmetrical face, and the reason I could not noticed it in a mirror or photographs was because of the asymmetry of my eyes, which "corrected" the flaw and made it look normal from my viewpoint. Of course, everyone else noticed it and tried not to stare.
3. During a trip to see the Grateful Dead in Cincinnati at age 19, I believed that the burger I'd eaten had reformed inside my stomach and was causing me grief because it remembered its origins as a cow. Later, I saw a woman carrying a sack and decided that the sack was filled with stolen ankles.
4. When I sit on my front porch I cannot help but trace in my mind imaginary railings where railings ought to be were the porch appropriately child-proofed. I do this sort of thing with all railings and fences (absent the childproofing aspect) if I think they don't look "complete."
5. I can "try on" just about any stranger's face and know what they are feeling and who they are innately, but the faces of some close friends elude me.
6. Sometimes I think if I were just hit on the head with a brick or a falling piece of architecture I would become an artistic genius.
7. When swimming in the lap pool I have occasionally worried that the person swimming behind me is going to try to bite my feet.
8. I still have the delusion that I might wake up and this will all be a dream. I'll still be in kindergarten. But then I'll have to suffer through 9th grade again. But this time I will be extremely savvy and wise. I'll show those rotten buggers!
9. Does the manner in which we were conceived ever determine a part of our personality?
10. As a child I used to think that at the end of our lives we might be shown a video during which our most embarrassing secrets were revealed.
11. One time I was fairly convinced that the squirrels and the pigeons at Madison Square Park were mating and producing some very unpleasant looking squidgeons.
12. Rutabagas, turnips, and other unattractive vegetables can communicate with one another.
13. You can speak to cats and dogs by placing your hands atop your head like ears and moving them about.
14. If I think hard enough about you right now, you might get a little jolt to the duodenum or the medusa oblongata.

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