Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A La Cart!

As a longtime observer of shopping carts in the wild, I was intrigued to discover an influx of foreign carts into our neighborhood. Suspecting that these carts were here not to mix and mingle and learn English, but were bent on bad business, I faithfully recorded their secretive plans and movements and had their comments translated (at considerable personal expense). The startling results reveal rich cultural differences between American and foreign carts. No plots were revealed.

Oh, vous délicieux phallique jaune objet. Je suis violant vous maintenant ! Oui, me violer vous pensez-vous ? Je suis un panier d'achat et suis très amoureux. Va-va-va-voom ! N'est-ce pas?

(Oh, you delicious phallic yellow object. I am raping you now! Yes, do you feel me raping you? I am a shopping cart, and am very amorous. Va-va-va-voom! N'est-ce pas?)
Ich bin Vizened und alt, und Sie werden nicht löschen Sie mich aus diesem Pol. Nein! Nehmen Sie die Hände weg meine Gestricken Kleider! Ich habe Stiefeln im Innern von Mein selbst, und Wille verwenden es, um Ze Sheeet von Ihnen!

(I am vizened and old, and you will not remove me from this pole. Nein! Take hands off my crocheted garments! I have jackboot in interior of mein self, and will use it to kick ze sheeet out of you!)

Gehen Sie weg!

(Go avay!)
Soy un tonto baile. Voy a Remolino y Molinete y mostrar mi tren de aterrizaje a los chicos, y voy a vestir un tutú rosado. Me deja en el Salón de baile!

(I am a fool for the dance. I am to whirl, and twirl, and show my undercarriage to the boys, and I will wear a pink tutu. Show me into the hall where the dancing takes place!)

Yo, man. Pass me een rook. Een rook. Ja. Ik had veel te veel Miller Lites. Fuck. Ik ga te kotsen.

(Yo, man. Pass me a smoke. A smoke. Yeah. I had way too many Miller Lites. Fuck. I'm going to puke.)


Jennifer said...

hahahaha those carts are crazy....make sure to take care before approaching especially that last one!

Angela V. Cook said...

Oh my! I don't know what's more intriguing, that you somehow wrote captions in four (or was it five?) different languages, or that people randomly discard shopping carts in a cute and quaint little town like that, lol. I mean, if it was in my neighborhood, I could totally see it (I live a hop, skip, and a jump from Detroit). Seeing discarded shopping carts in [a town that looks like] Mayberry is just so bizarre! lol!

Once again, well done, my friend :o)

Marewolf said...

I love shopping carts in the wild. This is my favorite thing. There are tons of these wild creatures around my work, and every time I see them I think of Jenny Phresh Face McGee and I smile :)

Anonymous said...

They say there is a fine line between genius and insanity, and you weave back and forth across it with side-splitting results. I will wub you forever, Pony girl!

Anonymous said...


This just brought back memories of my childhood where my sister and I roamed the apartment complex and freed the cats from the cat traps the Chinese boys made--all out of left-over shopping carts.

Wonder what they were gonna do with the cats...?

Wonder how the carts felt about their use...?

cherie said...

How come I never see these rascally carts hip-hop-hoppity in my neighborhood? I so envy you. That crocheted one may or may not be a Twilight fan--just look at that drawing attached to it (hints of rosy patches on cheeks tho so maybe not vampiric at all).

And boy, hats off to you for translating their foreign blabbity-blah.

*genius, pure genius*
*and the shopping cart saga continues...with subtitles*


Catherine Stine said...

Lov'n the German commentary. The crocheted one is my fave.

Anita Grace Howard said...

Hahah! LOVE the grocery cart posts. I had no idea those foreign ones were so ... easily aroused. Heh

Andrew Leon said...

The only shopping carts in the wild around here are the ones that have suicided into the creek. It's always the creek. Once, there was even a bike.
I guess we just don't have happy carts around here.