Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Netflix Presents: The Caged Orangutan

I've been watching The Crown on Netflix. Although the Queen is rather priggish and tweedy, the series has many merits. Among them are the chance to practice one's parade wave (it's really quite dismissive, without any sort of real effort—it's just a wiggle, without any jazz sauce thrown in) and one's accent ("Why, thenk ewe—best delivered after the children have inadvertently put the dishes in the actual dishwasher just because it was open and blocked their path to the sink.)

It has given me cause to think about what Netflix might produce next, and I do believe I have the answer, thenk eww. My series shall be entitled: The Caged Orangutan. It will cover the all-too-brief presidential reign of Donald J. Trump, and ooh, it'll be a goody.

Focusing on the truth rather than the facts, The Caged Orangutan will present a sympathetic story of a beast too noble for the chains and limitations of public office. The series will offer viewers a rare glimpse of behind-the-scenes triumph as the titular Orangutan handily escapes a fetid, burbling swamp of his enemies' making and, instead, rises to glory.

Herewith, I present Season One's list of episodes. All shall be directed with the utmost attention to historical and period detail, but may be altered as regards the facts, for facts are alternative. I await the day when we can hearken back to this timeless era! Oh, do I.

Episode One: "A Thrice-Married, Incoherent Fool, Say You?"
The Donald unites the nation with a soaring, eloquent inaugural address, which draws crowds larger than ever imagined by man or beast. The mall, fouled with many human footprints and empty fast-food wrappers, becomes a symbol of a nation soiled by too many liberal Democrats. Chuck and Nancy engage in a plot to kidnap orphans and sell their spleens to pay for Medicare.

Episode Two: "Alternative Facts"
Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway stuns and awes the populace with a newly-coined phrase. The Donald chastises Spicey over his poor wardrobe choices. Eric shoots a magnificent lion. Melania engages in fisticuffs with a rogue WH staff member, and upsets the tea service. Barron retires unto a closet where he still awaits for someone to come get him out.

Episode Three: "Rise, Frederick, Rise!"
The Donald invokes the spirit of long-dead Frederick Douglass, inspiring a nation of young African-American men and women to don MAGA hats and follow his Twitter feed with acclaim. Jared makes progress with the Kremlin, and Mitch McConnell's face grows 73% droopier. Paul Ryan gets an unexpected handjob.

Episode Four: "Your Ratings Are Rather Poor"
During a prayer breakfast, the Donald demonstrates his Christian values while he simultaneously savages the career of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nordstrom drops Ivanka's clothing line, leading to a massive boycott and an almost-complete shutdown of the economy and the train lines. Conway saves the day with a selfless ethics violation. Spicey renews investors' faith in Wrigley's gum products by gnawing 56 sticks in as many minutes.

Episode Five: "Tapp This!"
Notorious foreign-born black dude, Obama, is caught red-handed tapping Trump's phone lines, and is excluplutated to Mexico, homes of rapists and a few good folk. Donald Jr. wrassles a snake. Hillary is caught mangling multiple email accounts. Eric shoots a giraffe. Tiffany makes a surprise appearance. The economy comes to a halt due to Obama's prior machinations. As a result, we are now 1.4 trillion dollars more in debt! "Thank eww, Democrats, for doing nothink but badnesses in the name of poor and sadly uninformed and ill-dressed poeples," says Ivanka. "Thenks to the dreary democrats."

Episode Six: "The Mooch"
The Donald obstructs justice, but with jazz hands. James Comey perfects his ice-skating routine. Anthony Scaramucci delivers a searing and uplifting speech, and is subsequently fired for poor footwear. Ivanka tries on new shoes. Melania is fitted for a new outfit. Don Jr. and Eric work on their collusion strategy, and attempt a high-five, with poor results. Several national monuments become limited, due to their unfortunate life choices.

Episode Seven: "It's Mueller Time!"
The Donald visits storm-battered Puerto Rico, where he tosses cans of tuna, cartons of eggs, and rolls of napkins at the poor, to much acclaim and some head injuries. Mueller closes in and indicts Flynn, Manafort, and Papadopoulus. The latter is recognized as a "very brief little wee piddling underling and perhaps coffee boy in his Majesty's court." "He perhaps once brought us an herring," says Ivanka. "'Twas a very small herring."

Episode Eight:"Rocket Boy"
Regretting his early  months as being "soft," the Donald engages in a war of words with North Korea. "Little Rocket Man" responds by firing a payload of nuclear weapons at an unnamed place in the ocean. Eric bets on a horse. Don Jr. retains new attorneys. Melania purchases new real estate, banking on the planned tax bill to come. Obama windsurfs and sports new board shorts.

Episode Nine: "God Bless the United Schstateshsh"
After the Donald's dentures come unhinged during a speech, his dentist is brought in for a routine waterboarding. Melania researches vacation spots. The IRS continues their unjust audit of Trump's taxes. but promise to keep the audit going "as long as you are King, mine seigneur." Don Jr. and Eric shoot an infirm water buffalo. Melania adjusts Barron's bowtie. Kellyanne retains a new math tutor for brothers Eric and Don Jr.

So much is to come in Season Two, so stay tuned!

The all-star cast of The Caged Orangutan:
Douche-Schwister McFister as "Steve Bannon"
Gloriana "Jennie" Boobaster as "Kellyanne Conway'

Jonny Dirtdover as "The man with the face of the turtle"
Gen'l Dirk Fistfihéter as "Mike Flynn"

Wendy Smith as "the Swamp Rat"
Homer Gorphins as "Paul Ryan"

Judy Lovephin as the voice of "Jared Kushner"

Lyle and Erik Menendez as Eric and Don Jr.

(c) Bricklayers Union of America. 

Whoever she is. Dude, I would date her if she were not my daughter.

1 comment:

Andrew Leon said...

And the shiny crab from Moana as the post-Trump White House?
"I'm so shiny!"