Saturday, February 2, 2019

Really, Really Bad Valentine's Day Gifts for 2019

First of all, I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day. It's a Hallmark holiday designed to psychically wound the single, the lovelorn, the dumped, and all the depressed losers who are clearly unworthy of love.

But it's really much more dreadful if you are actually in a relationship, and your dumbass sweetie decides to purchase a last-minute Valentine's Day gift for you at the local drugstore. Because then you know your significant other is a psychopathic asshole.

An amputated Valentine sloth in a cup. His expression pretty much affirms that your loved one is a cheating bag o' dicks.
Here is this year's crop of creepy, unromantic, and soul-crushing gifts that will make you question JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING about that cheap-ass bum who used his CVS "ExtraCare" bucks to buy you a deflated, phallic stuffie that was made in a factory by weeping orphans.

I think this thing is intended to be a sex toy of some kind, with nubby stubs for "her pleasure." Honestly, you should not want to feel it even touching your neck, let alone your vulva. Plus, it has been manhandled by every germy-handed kid that came into the store, and probably gnawed on by a teething baby. 
This puppy's heartbreaking sadness speaks volumes about the person who gave this gift to you.  The flowery quote on the back reads: "Not even the noblest of poets has measured what the human heart can bear. I, too, have sought in vain for my soulmate, my love, my other self, only to end weeping on the shores of life's bitter mysteries. I have felt pain. I have felt sorrow. I have loved more magnificently than one will ever fathom. By the way, this huge box of chocolates will make your ass even fatter than it currently is. Which is a difficult thought to endure."
Nuff said.
Let me say this once, and once only. THERE IS NOTHING SEXY ABOUT THIS. Nor does the giraffe look "wild." He looks like he needs to redirect the Viagra from the neck to the nethers. And that bow-tie? Break up with whomever gave this to you ASAP. You do not want to grow old with that motherfucker. 
There something vaguely penile about this. Maybe it's just me. 
Seriously, this is even better than Mr. Romance of a few years past, because this dildo is EDIBLE. Did I say that out loud? No, I typed it! However, one has to wonder who gives this gift. If it's a decrepit old auntie, you might forgive her. But if your lover gives you this gift, he has an offshore bank account and is likely screwing the neighbor's cockapoodle.
Yes, if "love" means sitting on the toilet for a few hours after the 'Love Bandit" has made its way through your colon.

Seriously, WHY would you ever think this is a good idea? What he really means is "If you try to leave me I will KILL YOU and feed you to my pet hogs." The man who gives you this is secretly into German Scheisse Videos. 
Speaking of Scheisse. Maybe this is supposed to be a Hershey's Kiss, but it looks an awful lot like a shiny, space-age turd. Like that emoji turd, maybe, but with a twist and a dollop of extra turd on the top? But it LUVS you.
Woodstock, drunk in the gutter and consumed with existential angst. If I got this I would cry for about 5 days over the cruel, cruel nature of this terrible world. Then I would call my attorney.
When I visited Walgreen's, I noticed a store employee arranging the terrible panoply of stuffed horrors on the shelves. He did not seem to notice the casual way in which he flung this spank-ass Mickey Mouse into the shelf, but I did. Titillating! Inviting, even!

For more Valentine's Day fun on this blog, you might like:

22 Awesomely Terrible Valentine's Day Gifts
Terrifying and Dismal Valentine's Day Gifts

Subliminal Messages Behind Common Valentine's Day Gifts

All the Beautiful Ways to Say I Love You

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I cannot express my gratitude too strongly for your prescient posting! Thank you, Party Pony, for your remarkable insight and singular analysis! This is just great. Yrs, SAS