Fair lovers of Valentine's Day! This year, I have promised and delivered the usual panoply of hideous hounds, sloths, apes, and bears gleaned from the local markets.
My key question is: If you purchase one of these dreadful beasts for your love, have you considered the ramifications? Adoption is forever, even during COVID-19.
If the creature comes home to live with you, I want you to consider how it might play out. It could be quite unpleasant. Be forewarned, purchaser!
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She will absolutely love this surprise! Because every woman LOVES a Valentine that hearkens to rotund farm animals. Every woman loves a Valentine that contains the word "hog." But the lower body of the hog is very slim and slender, okay? It has been STUFFED INTO A CUP. |
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My sweet, while we snuggle, we will gaze upon the "dogpile" of love that I bought for you at Walmart. It is not creepy in the slightest, my sweet! THEY ARE LAUGHING at life itself, and not at your delectable toes. Why do you wish to take so much Xanax, my sweet? |
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Don't look now, honey, but I bought you a romantic toucan! Its forlorn beak as is sad and flaccid as my penis! In fact, its beak has a good bit more strength and girth than my own penis. I think I might wish to exchange this gift. Too late! |
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While you try to make love I will watch you! Watch you with my glittering, glowing eyes! Just relax. Slide back into the pillows. There is nothing to worry about. I will watch you, and take notes. It shall be easy, for I have a tiny videocamera embedded in my skull. |
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My dear precious, to celebrate our union I ordered us a Cup O' Turd. |
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Why do you seem so frightened, Patricia? The gorilla loves you as much as I do. Perhaps more. He will stay here when I leave the home and keep careful watch over you. Do not fret so, Patricia! |
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I got you a three-legged fur thing. It is going to kill you in your sleep. Please drink the orange juice first, dear. It will make it less painful. |
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Get ready, Gertrude...to show my true devotion I airlifted a 50 DOLLAR STUFFED SLOTH FROM ABOVE TO DROP ON US! I love you, my sweet. I love you [unintelligible]. |
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Ooh honey I can barely see it! It's so cleverly camouflaged! WHERE IS IT?! Wait, what is that scent of algae and mold? |
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So this is our forever friend? Yes honey, it will live with us FOREVER. That's wonderful, Brad! [Cut to horrifying bloodbath scene.] |
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I love you a bunch, bitch. Why you gotta be with that jerk, Dudley? He doesn't have half a' what I got! I'm a-gonna fuck that dude up. |
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Dance with me, my love! That giant sloth signifies how SLOWWWWLY it will take me to become erect, which will happen next Tuesday. But it will happen so slowly and imperceptibly, you'll never notice! |
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Surprise, dear! This is how much I love you! But why do you weep and scream so? |
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I'm SOOOOO CRAY about you that I got you a RODENT INSIDE A COFFEE CUP! |
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Darling, I wish you had thought your Valentine's Day gift through more clearly. It clings to us most evilly, and has a foul and sticky effluvium that emanates from its nethers. I'm sorry, Megan. I suppose I fucked up again! |
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It is so unfortunate, Todd, but whenever I glance at that dog you gave me, I become painfully aware of your inadequacies. Well, I mean, TODD...look at its tongue! But yes, it is our "forever friend" and shall stay with us in OUR BED always [Laughs lightly.] |
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We used to be alone, Joshua. But now THAT THING IS HERE. And it's always watching us! But Melissa...it's CUTE. Joshua, it has YOUR SPLEEN in its teeth. |
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Oh Bettina, I have a wonderful surprise for you! You for sure won't divorce me now! |
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Chad! Melania! And Scumdog "Greasyhands" Greg, the friend that comes to couch surf for 2 days but ends up staying for 3 weeks and eats all your food, leaves an unflushed turd in multiple toilets, and wanders about in "I [heart] u" tighties making strange sounds out of his buttocks. Marvelous! This will end well. |
For past Valentine's Day fun on this blog, you might like:
22 Awesomely Terrible Valentine's Day Gifts
Terrifying and Dismal Valentine's Day Gifts
Subliminal Messages Behind Common Valentine's Day Gifts
All the Beautiful Ways to Say I Love You
Really, Really Bad Valentine's Day Gifts for 2019
1 comment:
I see you have a thing for sloths. How... weird.
And you didn't even mention the fact that that one guy is sucking the nose off of his... partner? Or maybe she's just someone he caught to suck her nose.
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