6 Horrifying Attacks on America! Unreported by Dishonest Fake News Mainstream Media!

Now revealed! Horrifying attacks on U.S. soil, unreported and disregarded by the dishonest and failing fake news mainstream media! We now honor these terrible tragedies and mourn the victims. May they remain forever in our hearts and minds.

Grizzly Vengeance (Every Classroom in America, 2003)

After their last remaining habitat was completely destroyed due to the construction of Trump Glacier National Park Casino and Trump Continental Divide Plaza, undocumented Grizzly bears poured into classrooms everywhere and snacked on lots of little children. Sad! #wearegrizzlyvengeance

If only the little mites had been armed, this senseless slaughter could have been averted.

Vulv-A-Lago (Palm Beach, Florida, 1980-2017)

Many innocent vaginas were indecently grabbed during this ongoing series of heinous attacks, conducted anywhere from airplanes to furniture stores. The perpetrator is still at large. Sales of skirts have fallen sharply since the attacks began. The ominous rattle of Tic-Tacs is usually the only sign that the attacker is approaching. #bevulvalagovigilant

Victims of the Vulv-A-Lago Attacks describe "stubby" and "grabby" hands that were nevertheless "surprisingly quick," "octopus-like," and "seemed to be coated in Cheeto dust."

The Haunting of the National Mall (January 20, 2017)

Hundreds of thousands of dead people, most of whom voted illegally, descended on the National Mall for the Inauguration of the 45th President. The spectres made many spooky noises such as "boo!" and "woooo!" in an attempt to scare the living daylights out of the sparse crowd of flesh-and-blood humans. The living, however, took little notice of them, given that they were fixated on the completely insane scary-ass bat-ass crazy carnage spewing from the new President's mouth. The massive crowd of dead folks—which amounted to the biggest audience to ever witness an inauguration in all of human history, period, end of story, shut your pie hole—went completely unreported by the dishonest and failing news media, who claimed they "couldn't see them."

I see dead people. SO MANY dead people. More dead people than YOU will ever summon, loser.

The "Holla 'Bout the Cost" (Walmart Store, Birmingham, AL, July 7, 2010)

Walmart shopper Wanda Chunks severely annoyed other patrons of the store when she decided to make a big ruckus over the price of an irreverent T-shirt, saying, "I'm not gonna pay eight dollars and fifty-eight cents for this piece of China-made crap!" Ms. Chunks continued to rant and holler about the cost of the T-shirt throughout the transaction, until she grumpily exited the store. Scarred patrons had to be consoled for hours. Despite the fact that the failing and dishonest media omitted the traumatic incident from their news coverage, an official Holla 'Bout the Cost Remembrance Day is now in the works. In a spirit of inclusiveness, Holla 'Bout the Cost Remembrance Day will honor basically anyone who has ever been annoyed while shopping, or irritated by anything at all.

Thanks to new trade tariffs, the price of this T-shirt is now $43.99.

The Fact-Butcher (Multiple Locations, 2016 and ongoing)

This bloodthirsty villain strikes quickly and decisively, mangling and butchering facts with a savagery only equalled by a too-hot flatiron and a dearth of hair conditioner. Distracting its victims with a plea to "look into its heart," the Fact-Butcher then dispatches them with a patently ridiculous statement. Do not engage with the Fact-Butcher. Do not look into its eyes. It will tear your entrails out and feed them to its army of wild pigs. You have been warned. 

I have the appearance of being sorta dead, at least on the inside, and I voted. So, you see, millions of other creepy half-dead and actually dead people must have voted as well. That's why we need an immediate investigation into massive voter fraud. Which must have taken place because my Dear Leader told me so. What do you mean there's "no evidence"? What about the evidence that's in my heart? 

The Man-Turtle Terror (Washington, D.C., February 7, 2017)

A terrifying half-man, half-turtle hybrid ponderously crawled from the sludge at the basin of Washington's newly-drained swamp and, without provocation, attacked a women who was trying to do her job. The creature then fled into the sewers. Any sightings should be reported to the Department of Homeland Security and the Environmental Protection Agency. The dishonest so-called "media" continues to claim that the Man-Turtle Terror is merely a Senator from Kentucky who happens to look remarkably like a turtle. So nasty! Terrible! #StopTheManTurtleTerror

A Bushmaster AR-15 Assault Rifle in Every Lunchbox, a Sig Sauer M400 in Every Pot

In the face of scalding criticism for their proposal to install an armed gunman at every school in America, the NRA today finally caved to pressure and announced their next initiative: "A Bushmaster AR-15 Assault Rifle in Every Lunchbox, a Sig Sauer M400 in Every Pot."

Blammo! You is dead!

"Kids just love guns!" said Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association (NRA). "So why not arm the bloodthirsty little savages and let them defend themselves, by God, against...other people who have turned out to be bloodthirsty savages."

"So true," concurred Sadie Dewgrit, mother of five near a town where numerous school shootings have taken place. "If my lil' monkeys had been packing heat at those schools, the gunmen would've be deader 'en a doornail. My kids are a fine shot with them Nerf pistols 'en shit, and they'd do even better with real guns."

"We can buy 'em at the local Walmart and it's real easy," added Dewgrit. "My kids keep asking and I say, 'Yore birthday is coming up, don't be a greedy little thing!'"

The initiative proposes that, by Kindergarten, children will be taught to assemble, oil, and load an AK-47 and take down some poor motherfucking deer with gimpy legs. This will prep them, claims the NRA, for a future in on-site law enforcement during "Circle Time" and "Snack Break."

Common Core State Standards will be re-aligned to included the following strands: Lock and Load 101, Grooming Your Gun Collection for Maximum Shininess and Death-Dealing Power, and The Coming Apocalypse of Rabid Animals, Zombie Mutants, and Government Operatives.

Teachers, also, will be able to order their own guns along with other school supplies such as pencils, paper, and crayons. Teachers are often forced to spend their own dollars on supplies for the classroom, and the guns will be no exception; however, the NRA will give any teacher who purchases a gun and fills out a rebate form a special "smiley face" sticker with the NRA logo.

Guns Are Not Toys

"Children need to understand at a very young age," said LaPierre, "that guns are not toys. Guns are real! And we want to put them in the hands of children so that they understand that. It's all about education."

The NRA has faced much backlash in recent weeks for their "misguided" and "clown-assed" response to the tragic events in Newtown, CT, during which 28 people died including the gunman and his mother. Their "A Bushmaster AR-15 Assault Rifle in Every Lunchbox, a Sig Sauer M400 in Every Pot" proposal is intended to mitigate the unpleasant response from people with a modicum of reason and to ensure a safe, viable solution to the problem of gun violence.

"As we have all said about 9, 895,789 times, guns do not kill people," said LaPierre. "But little children armed with guns? They'll kill people, all right! Have you ever tried to slow a child down or put one in a time out? Naw, they get really excited. They're not gonna stop shooting until all the bad guys are dead! Especially when you give them a lotta sugar."

Having every single child in a school armed would prevent any instance in which an armed guard were, for example, visiting the restroom during a violent attack.

"It's like backup times 22," said LaPierre. "Except for the schools that have to teach like 40-plus kids per class because they have no resources. Whoo-ee, that's better!"

Guns for You, Too

The second half of the initiative proposes that every household be required to own at least one gun.

"Mah wife's cookin' a pot a stew," said Bub Keewak, a gun owner. "Say some bad guy comes to the door. I like to know that when she is occupied, the children can go grab the guns to defend our home against the government. Because the government is clearly made up of zombie mutants born in foreign soils."

Guns, say the NRA, should be left unlocked for easy access.

"It's kinda like a girl's dress in high school," said Jesse Goons, NRA member. "If you gotta fumble with all sorts of clips you're gonna miss your objective. Get in, get 'er primed, shoot that sucker!"

Debbie Goons, 28, concurred while trying to nurse an infant and balance a Sig Sauer M400 on her lap so she could caress it and oil it.

Walmart, which also sells things like baby formula, dolls, and diapers, is offering a special coupon on their Colt LE 6920 rifle, which will blow a squirrel and its entire family of 485 squirrel-lings off your trees in the space it takes to say "motherfuckin' squirrels." If you want to give the squirrels a chance, you can also  purchase Walmart's "Lil' Boy Scout Slingshot" (not on sale).

The NRA suggests that families buy their guns now, even stocking up for next Christmas.

"If our initiative gains hold, every kids in America is gonna be wanting that shiny new gun come Christmas morning. The government is coming to clear the shelves. Stock up! Stock up!" said LaPierre. "Do you want your child to be the only child on the block without a gun when 'Billy Lardass' the local bully comes sauntering up with his new Smith & Wesson 811030?"

We asked: What if one of the children decided to "go naughty" and use his or her gun as a "Bad Guy"?

"Well," said LaPierre. "The other lil' mites would just have to take that fucker down. That's what guns are made for."