Thursday, October 4, 2007

The Milk o' Human Loathing: Self-Help Course Level 1

I have decided to start a "self-help" course in self-expression for those of us filled with angry, bitter thoughts. My course is simple, and has one basic premise. Don't keep those feelings inside! Let 'em out. Let 'em free. Try one on your favorite fatass fellow commuter today! You have now accessed Level 1.

As you progress, write in for Level 2 of my course, "Mean Thoughts Can Set You Free as if on the Wings of a Virulent Pigeon," Level 3: "Fuck those fucking fucks", and Level 4: "Fuck 'em and the cunts they rode in on" [gracious thanks for course name due to husband. Please direct all shocked offense at the use of the "C" word to him. I take no responsibility.]

Here, a short list of phrases to "test" on the annoyees of the world.

Entree level. Try these phrases on a stranger who has peeved you past the point of endurance.

On a train! "What part of no ho-BAGs on the train seat do you not understand, Wrinkles?"
In a Deli! [to the tune of Mr. Sandman] "Mrs. Fatcakes, don't eat that roll...."
On the sidewalk! "Shut your pie-hole, cockmonkey."

Next, move on to the main course by verbally insulting family members, friends, and acquaintances. At this level it is best to be short, sweet, and to the point in order to insult as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time.

To an aunt! "Fat! Fat! Fat!"
To a neighbor! "Hey, pigfucker!"
To a cousin! "Assface."
To a former friend! "Prozac-addled whore!"

And, dessert. One's coworkers, clients, and supervisors. When dealing with this last category, however, it is wise to disguise one's rage in the form of art. The loss of one's livelihood will lead to further rage and invective hurling--which, while enjoyable, may start to taint even the sunnier portions of one's life. "The Milk o' Human Loathing: Self-Help Course Level 1" recommends these media: poetry, a dance using numchucks, an oil painting, or perhaps a thinly veiled autobiographical novel. Your choice!

To a supervisor: "I know you attend the Plushies convention in a stained Care Bear sex suit."
To a VP: "Fat tard! Flaccid mugwump!"
To a client: "You pear-shaped, unimaginative, Lumpen fool."
To a colleague: "Hey, etiquette tip, Piggie McGee. It might not be the best idea to chaw on celery and carrots with your maw WIDE OPEN during a conference call."

The test on this course is next week. Practice.

Meanly yours,
The self-help guru


Anonymous said...

Wow...that's lettin' em know where to head in! And you're sure this is the best way to ensure world peace, and reinvent diplomacy for the new century? At least you don't advocate slinking around--nope, right up in their grill, both barrels. How dare they be born and befoul the pristine planet?! Can it be true, as the wise man says, that he who fights beasts must become a monster himself?


Anonymous said...

My favorite insult to be directed at jocks and manly men of all kinds will always be cockbreathe.

I'm also fond of fucktard. this of course i pure laziness. fucking retard has too many syllables.

hairy cunt emerged this week as a new favorite for clients.

so many deserving insultees how can i possibly keep up this level of creativity?