Since I live in a home worthy of the pages of Beautiful Home or Country Living or some other lovely rag that has no doubt gone out of print or is about to, I feel I am uniquely suited to dispense home decorating advice. If you have seen my home you know that my style and flair are unparalleled. Therefore it is my beholden duty to share my wisdom with you, the reader.
1. When in doubt, always tear off the back of the house. If you are ever standing around in your kitchen saying things like: "Hey, should I just burn this sucker down?" or "I'm gonna take a power saw to this mutha!" you should immediately start saving large quantities of money so that you can hire a wrecking ball to take care of the situation.
2. A home's beauty and value is deleteriously affected by the presence of any of the following: gun turret, live skunk on property, illegible grafitti on living room wall, angry ghost of grandmother, really creepy basement with biting spider(s), too many strange foil-wrapped mysteries in back of old rusting fridge.
3. That portrait of your mother's vagina above the glass-topped dining room table is really inappropriate.
4. If you tear out that original crown molding from your beautiful Victorian home, it is guaranteed that the future owners of the house are going to track down your ghost and beat the tar out of it.
5. Three phrases that should not go together in home décor: clowns, framed psalms, gynecological exam table.
6. Dead snakes and poo are not something you want on your nice wood floors. Remove them before guests come over and store them in a closet.
7. Lime green and teal wall-to-wall carpets are acceptable, but only if they are constantly in flames.
8. The foyer is the entry point to your home, and will present the first impression to visitors. Therefore, it is best to locate your wet bar and liquor cabinet in this area.
9. Bathrooms should feel like a zen-like retreat, riddled with all sorts of Feng Shui. Clumps of urine-soaked kitty litter granules, pressing into one's bare feet when one steps out of the shower, will ruin just about everything you have tried to achieve in your life thus far.
10. Shells should stay on the beach.