I have to go in for surgery tomorrow to fix two little bitty hernias and I'm sure I shall die during the surgery. There! I've said it! I recently heard about someone who died during surgery for something minor like this and of course I will suffer the same fate. I've really been panicking all day because if I had really had one day to live I wouldn't spend it:
1. ruminating about death
2. cleaning out the front hall coat closet
3. sending a few work emails
4. walking around aimlessly biting at my lower lip
I tried to figure out the source of my distress and then I hit upon it! It was surely the arrival of a bunny-repelling product from Critter Repellant. That, and the presence of a plastic horned owl with glittering, orange eyes perched just outside my kitchen. The owl must be filled with rocks to prevent it from tipping over in a light wind, but it is fearsome indeed. I sometimes see it in my dreams, descending with claws outstretched.
This morning, the Shake-Away (aka Shake Away Your Composure) product arrived via a visibly-disturbed UPS man and was unveiled within my home. It stank of Fear.
The product is basically made up of the urine of very bad and feral animals who wish to bite bunnies. Upon smelling it, I became alarmed and ran about the house in mad, wild-eyed panic. The Scent of Fear is supposed to hit these creatures where they live and scare the living bejeezus out of them:
We have all these animals on our property! Well, not any more. I would suggest that they are ruminating in their little dens right now, wondering why they never wrote that novel nor pursued their dream career. They are lousy with FEAR!
Honestly, I just wanted to save my punkins. Now I have the Scent of Fear in my backyard! Some have suggested that the Scent of Fear is really Paco Rabanne cologne. I had once thought it to be the Stuffed Scrod at the work cafeteria.
Obviously, I won't die during surgery tomorrow because this post would be a really stupid and lame epitaph to an otherwise dazzling career.