Ten Predictions for the Coming Year
These things are gonna happen, people, so just gird your loins.
1. Per chaos theory, a violent tornado will arise as the result of an errant Argentinian butterfly flapping its wings. Picking up nails, screws, and long sheets of scrap metal as it travels, the tornado will whisk all my enemies into the ocean, where they will sink while being gnawed in a desultory fashion by a pod of sharks.
2. A cut lil' bunny rabbit that has been kept in a cage for all its natural life will turn feral, escape, and eat all the members of the household. It will then lead its dumb cousins in cages everywhere to mimic its actions in "copycat" fashion after they observe the story airing nightly on local Fox news stations. Earth will hereafter be known as The Bunny Planet.
3. Glenn Beck will be eaten by a bunny.
4. Sarah Palin will be eaten by a bunny, but only after she takes down a rabid army of bunnies Rambo-style. She survives for a time on their flesh, hiding out in a decrepit trailer in the Alaskan wilderness, before succumbing to a Great Raid by the bunny infantry.
5. The bunnies will finally be defeated by a pride of lions who decide that enough is enough of this bunny crap. They eat a bunch of people too, but then peace will be achieved by a group of vigilante vegans who convince the beasts that a macrobiotic diet will ensure longevity. The lions wait and bide their time, fretting that the humans are getting awfully lean and stringy.
6. In the last days of 2010, health care reform will finally be achieved. Uninsured citizens will be able to buy into an affordable plan starting in 2015, but anything related to hearts, lungs, skin, tummies, brains, and other sundry organs will not be included in the plan thanks to a last-minute clause inserted by the Republicans. Approximately 1,245,678 small children will be gnawed and devoured by bunnies in the intervening time, making their health care issues rather moot.
7. Cookie LaRue, the 35th mistress of Tiger Woods to come forward, will vastly underestimate the appetite of the American public for scandalous gossip when she uses the phrases "nine-iron" and "the pooper" in the same sentence. Fox News ratings go up again, and Accenture executives muse about bringing Tiger back as a spokesperson with a few fresh and amusing taglines.
8. Spencer Pratt, his bride, Britney's spawn, Bill O'Reilly, and Jon and Kate and all eight children all get eaten by bunnies in a most grisly spectacle known as "The Circus of the Rabbits." The lions finish off what the bunnies left behind.
9. Sacha Baron Cohen's new film, "Li-Li," shames a lot of people who are duped into thinking the actor is actually a maniacal 8-year-old Japanese girl who likes to wear party frocks made out of meat and wants to show you her detachable penis.
10. President Obama, in an effort to bring peace to the Middle East, hosts an all-day "Booze and fucking crazy-ass drugs summit" at the White House. Refreshments include fountains spurting liquid LSD, psychedelic mushroom canapes, and a roasted tofu-piggie stuffed with "chronic" marijuana and vomiting a constant stream of goofballs and pep pills via a perpetual motion machine invented by Al Gore. It all goes well until someone gets beheaded in the jello shot salon and a lot of fingers get pointed.