Friday, January 1, 2010

The Same 10 Questions I Always Ask Myself, Part the Seventh

1. What are you wearing?
Under my clothes and underthings I am wearing nothing. I swear to god, naked! I know this is unseemly but I am a naughty girl.

2. What's the nature of today's hypochondria?
Inability to breathe properly might mean that the pasta I ate for lunch went down the wrong tube and wound up in my lungs. Really! It could happen, maybe? If certain foods go down the wrong tube it could seriously hamper one's breathing. Clams casino? Carrot sticks?

3. What was today's workout?
While the boys watched the bizarre and twisted Rankin Bass special "Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July," I hauled out the 10-pound velcro wraparound weight I used to use for knee exercises at age 11 and did the very same exercises. They involve lying on the floor on your back while hoisting the dismal weight up into the air with a straight leg. Lift 20 times and then repeat with the other leg. Repeat as needed. I hated these exercises as a child and now I did them voluntarily so as to get "lean thighs." It was about all I could muster after gurgling down quantities of Very Expensive Wines at our neighbors' last night for New Year's. Does anyone else experience that finer wines cause a more grevious hangover?

4. How do you do what you do and stay so sweet?
Baby Sunshine is all that stands between me and a dire bout of Bad Blood Pressure.

5. What's that burning smell?
My New Year's Resolutions beginning to sizzle at the seams. Oh forget it, they are already completely damaged and will have to be returned until 2011.

6. If you were an animal, what kind would you be?
A turkey, but not the whole bird. Maybe just a drumstick, or a thigh.

7. What are you drinking, and why?
The best cocktail ever invented, the dirty martini. Oh, I shall sing its praises in another dedicated blog entry! I am drinking it because it was poured for me, and because it is cold, and because it is good.

8. In what ways hast thou offended?
Today I gazed at the pile of projects on and near the children's art table and thought: "By god, I could just bundle it up and throw it all away. All of it! Without even picking through it to sort out the pieces of better quality." I didn't do it, however, and for that I am out of sorts. I also let the little mites watch 10+ hours of TV today because I felt kinda funny and when I bent over I got dizzy and stuff.

9. What's the next big thing?
Real estate prices are going to surge through the roof and make us all rich, rich, rich! My own home will triple in value in the next five months, I promise you. Also, in March of 2010, a small pet turtle in the American midwest will become sentient and begin to plot our demise.

10. Music selection?
Thanks to our good friend S, I have the tune to "Jingle Bell Rock" repeating endlessly in my brain. Christmas is over but the fun lingers on. Sometimes "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" will intrude on the merry "Jingle Bell Rock" tune but I shoo it aside; there is room for but one Christmas song in my head.

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