Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sex Toys of the American Presidents


Our famous "Presidential Treatment" is now available in 44 deluxe options! All designed for her pleasure, and loaded with historical goodies. Each model sells for only $9.99 plus shipping and a lot of excessive handling. Your package will be delivered in a tasteful brown wrapper covered with patriotic flags, stickers, and slogans.

Lyndon's Johnson. (A reconstruction of an older model, the Andrew's Johnson.)
Lincoln's Log. It will emancipate your vagina! Comes with a removable top hat.
The Warren G. Hard-On. Unfortunately, reviewers note that it lasts for only a minute and a half.
The "Tricky Dick." Get impeached tonight. Special half-off price on "Ike and Dick" when purchased together!
Teddy Roosevelt's Bull Moose. Sounds effects an additional $3.99.
The Grover Cleveland. He comes twice!
The James K. Polk "Poke."
Old Hickory. Always stays hard; includes knobs.
The Millard Fill-Me-More.
The William Howard Taft Shaft. Comes complete with muttonchop ticklers.
I Like Ike...up my wing-wang!
Tippecanoe and Fuck You Too!
Not pictured in this catalogue, but available for order:
The Harry S. Truman: Comes in both Fat Man and Little Boy sizes
The "Stay Out of My Bush" George W. Bush
The "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am" Obama
Take One for the Gipper
"Vice" President Gore
Cal's Cool Cucumber
The Garfield: Get Assassinated!
The Mount Rushmore

Coming Soon! The GOP hopefuls, including:
The Bachmann Turner Overdrive
The Rick Sant-OH!-rummm
Tim Pawlenty of Inches [Note: Withdrawal already announced.]

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Extremely hilarious material here. One thing re. LBJ..... Shouldn't it be: "Mess with Texas. Please?"

Anonymous said...

For someone who can never shut-up, you have done it. I am truly speechless....

HelenQP said...

That's it. I am definitely going lesbian.

(Hilarious.)

Anita Grace Howard said...

Muttonchop ticklers???

OHMYHOLYGOODNESS!! LOLOLOL!

Only you could pull this off. Er ... not sure that sounded right considering the content. You know what I mean!

I've missed you, my pony girl. Welcome back to your irreverent and unabashed sense of humor!

I'm SO GLAD you weren't eaten by bears!

#goatlove

Anna Banks said...

You are crazy. That is all. :)

Catherine Stine said...

Your vacation seems to have had a peculiar effect on you. Love these!

tori said...

WELCOME BACK!! YESSSS! i only wish i was well-versed enough in American history to appreciate the nuances of this post. but the sketches are too good to be true.

The Rake said...

OMG. Wiping tears as I laugh.

Jennifer said...

Oh how I have missed your humor! Welcome back. So freaking hilarious.

Bethany C. said...

HOLY, Mother of mercy! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I am so in love it's not even funny. (I'm also a little ascared, too, but mostly in love). You're my dream pony.

(I nearly blew green beans out of my nose when I read "muttonchop ticklers"...)

greenwoman said...

YOU are a genius. I'm dyin' here!

ALSO, I never realized Millard Filmore looks like Bill Murray. Or I guess, Bill Murray looks like Millard Filmore. Whatevs.

cherie said...

Oh.

My.

*dies laughing

traceyhansenwrites said...

Wow I've missed you! LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! I am sharing, tweeting, facebooking, google+ ing, smoke signaling this one out into the universe! People NEED to see it! lol
www.traceyhansenwrites.com

D. Ryan Leask said...

hmmmm, I may wait until there is a female president before returning to this site.

J. Lea Lopez said...

Wow. Hahaha where do you come up with these things???