Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Are you cool enough for my neighborhood?

Now that we are going to try to sell our house, I officially take back everything mean and ill-considered that I have said about my neighborhood. You see, all along I have actually been trying to DRIVE people away from our neighborhood because it is my precious, secret gem, and seeing it filled with yupsters and Beamers and the like would just be too grotesque. What would we do, indeed, if the Jif-E-Lube on the corner were to be replaced with a trendy boutique selling handbags? Handbags don't "lube" up one's car, do they?

I actually have never wanted you here. But now that you might like to buy our home, come on in!

I shall now extol the virtues of my neighborhood and shed the light of truth on the whole matter. When my neighbors come to me with acerbic commentary (yeah, thanks for the gentrification, beeatch!), I'll just send them down the street to drown their sorrows in what used to be a down-home working man's pub called "The Tilted Kilt" but is now called "Zero," "ö," "Antarktika," or some other über-trendy name, and has a bocce court in the back and pomegranate martinis.

Here are 10 of my favorite things--for real!
1. We can walk to the New Rochelle train station in 10 minutes. Count them: 10. I make it in closer to 15 now that I am fat.
2. There is a 24-hour CVS within walking distance.
3. All the homes have olde worlde charme buried somewhere beneath their exteriors. Our own home is 103 years old!
4. We have a front porch. We can sit there and shout expletives at speeding cars.
5. Steam Eat: Within walking distance.
6. New NYSC complete with TWO swimming pools: Within walking distance.
7. Five Islands Park: A 15-minute walk. Lovely water views, and birds.
8. Did you hear there may be a new Whole Foods? Yes, that will also be a 5-minute walk from MY house.
9. Big, fat, gorgeous chestnut trees that drop hundreds of chestnuts on the heads of our friendly neighbors every autumn.
10. The coolness that comes with knowing you are a pioneer.


Anonymous said...

Dear Der Pony (jah!),
...Umm...with some work I could be cool enough for your neighborhood! Honest! I yearn to have "chednuts" dumped on my noggin, and to score a sleep mask at CVS. But how could you leave out Post Marine, the rock climbing place, the liquor store, and that eat in/take out Mexican place with the top-shelf tequila?? Arriba! Undalay! Vamanos! And what of the nearby Playland in all its Art Deco fabulosity, never mind the odd death or two of unsuspecting patrons? All that being said, you have done a swell job enticing readers to your abode, and my offer on your house is in the mail. Is there a "Get to know you" portion of the sales agreement where you agree to act as my native guide in Darkest New Rochelle? Fashion and comportment tips? Tee many martoonies at the Radisson?

Old NH

Anonymous said...

Now that you're moving, I don't want to live there anymore.... :-(