It has been revealed to me that I look like a tick. Apparently, when one is extremely pregnant and wears a very snug hat of a fetching blue color, along with a largish men's raincoat that does not button around the middle, a ticklike quality emerges.
It has also been revealed that when one is referred to as a "tick" when walking to the train, it is extremely likely that one will be in imminent danger of piddling oneself. (Ghastly, but true: Pregnant people have been known to piddle themselves, especially when egged on by cruel friends.) The more one attempts to refrain from piddling, the more the sharp-eyed character who noted the ticklike quality will repeat the observation. Soon a lively song incorporating the phrase "the piddling tick" will be employed.
Romance! Laughter! And all this before 8:29 a.m.
It has also been revealed to me that pregnant people become extremely stupid, especially in the third trimester. Here are three poignant examples.
1. Until yesterday, my children were not aware that the Easter Bunny was supposed to deliver treats on Easter morning. But boy, did they ever perk up when I artlessly revealed it during a car ride. ("Ooh, I did not know about DAT!") Next stop: CVS, to buy a buncha junk I don't need.
2. One of those items was a pack of pastel-colored Play-DOH, which (if my husband the anti-Playdite even allows it to be delivered by Msr. Bunny) will be ground into the carpet on the very day our home goes up for sale.
3. This morning, my four-year-old asked me about the birds 'n' bees and I completely missed it. I honestly thought that "Where did I come from?" was more of a spiritual question, along the lines of "Are our souls made of cosmic stardust?" So I answered cryptically: "No one truly knows. It is a mystery." This will make for a healthy sexual understanding in about ten years.
I would continue but I have lost my train of thought.