Saturday, March 8, 2008
I am in possession of some scientific evidence, which I think may soon point to the conclusion that someone I know well is related to, if not the actual, The Devil.
Observation 1: The person heretofore known as "The Devil" has hung a large portrait of a devil right smack dab in the middle of our living room. The devil in the painting is red, with horns, and seems to be gazing with melancholy ire at our neighbor's house. Like it might want to smite them. Its cloven hooves are not visible but are no doubt implied.
The Devil claims that this portrait was purchased because it is an original done by his favorite musician (also an artist). The fact remains that the portrait is, without question, Mephistopheles, aka Beezlebub, aka Satan. This, coupled with the fact that we are too lazy to hang Christmas lights during the winter season, has led the neighbors to refer to us sotto voce as “those Satan worshippers.” This has not raised our standing in the area.
Observation 2: When The Devil has had more than two martinis, he often says things like “I’m a devil! I’m a devil!” or occasionally “debbil, debbil, debbil,” and runs about the house.
Observation 3: The Devil does not enter churches, unless they are hosting some tag sales with Really Great Bargains.
Observation 4: As if to throw us off the scent, The Devil’s proclaimed favorite band is named The Church. Such a ploy is pitifully obvious. Who else do you know whose favorite, A #1, all-time band is actually The Church? Didn’t think so. As a side note, one of the band members of The Church is the painter of the devil painting (see Observation 1).
Observation 5: The Devil likes whiskey, fast cars, Victoria’s Secret commercials, and other clichéd “devilish” accoutrements.
Observation 6: The Devil gives off a strange, black effluvium that modern science has been unable to identify. One morning we discovered black marks on The Devil’s pillow, which could not be removed through diligent laundering. Was it black Devil Liquid oozing from his ears or pores? No one knows, but occasionally fresh black marks show up and cannot be removed. Is he wearing mascara and frequenting “those” kind of clubs without my knowledge? Or—the more likely explanation—is he The Devil? You draw the obvious conclusion.