Wednesday, May 7, 2008

15 Surefire Ways to Sell Your Home

1. Dogs humping on front lawn, preferably when one dog is actually being raped/molested/touched inappropriately against its will
2. Pile of vomit on sidewalk before stoop
3. Missing child poster stapled to tree
4. Bleached skeleton emerging from chimney
5. Rodent carcasses (plural) on front lawn
6. Gun trained on home from neighbor's window
7. Frank Gehry "look" in home not designed by Frank Gehry
8. Drunken old slut soliciting business from a lawn chair in the front
9. Two posters of Mussolini: One in master bedroom and the other in the basement workroom [We viewed a house in which this was the case]
10. Pile of stained undershirts and panties slowly burning in the street
11. Large portrait of devil above fireplace
12. Rabid prairie dog colony in back yard
13. Clown paintings, framed psalms, and a gynecological table in the basement
14. That weird albino kid from Deliverance, stationed on the front porch
15. House slowly sinking into large pit

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Excellent list! A bit of a shock to see ol' Benito lookin' jut-jawed and swell in his prime . . . and hard not to imagine that dreadful picture of him hanging by his feet after the Italien opposition got a-holt of him.

As to the fist fight in your previous communique...only our own Pony could make a funny story out of that. Sheesh! I recommend a combination marlin spike and shark billy from Post Marine, so that when such outbreaks flare up you can excuse yourself briefly and go down the street and lay everyone low in jig time, returning to serve cupcakes to the prospective buyer. "Just a jolly spot of bother, and another day in quaint New Roc!" you could say...

Old NH